You're Not That Fat, Actually I'm obese

[theotherfossilsister]

Does anyone else who needs to lose weight get this from well meaning friends/acquaintances. I am obese, just, by BMI and as I'm not an athlete or in any way muscular I think it's a fairly good measure for me (know it can be wrong and outdated for some people.)

I also have RA and am going to be having IVF in September. Both consultants have (nicely) flagged weight as an issue. Rheumy said that although I am 35 I am looking at needing joints replaced if I don't shift it, which really scared me then made me kickstart a sensible eating plan (not a diet, just cutting down and exercising more.)

Now you can meet friends for coffee and a cake if often feel the pressure is on to just have one brownie because I'm really 'not that big.'

But I am obese.

On another weight loss thread but wondering if anyone else has this?

Yes definitely. I was not quite obese but very close to it and I’ve had people tell me I didn’t need to lose weight.

I have lost 11kg and some people have told me I’ve lost too much, look too skinny etc. I’m still bloody overweight! My BMI is 25.9 so while I have lost a decent amount I am nowhere near skinny.

Thanks marmalade, it's weird isn't it? Well done on how much you lost

I think this is something people say for a few reasons -

They feel uncomfortable confirming your statement/that you're overweight as it feels rude

OR

You confronting your weight makes them feel like they should be addressing their own. They also need to be 'good'.

OR

They prefer you on the larger side, as they prefer being the thinner person.

I have been smaller and larger, and have experienced all three and, to my shame, also done some of these.

@theotherfossilsister and good luck on your weight loss journey! It's a challenge and worth it.

@MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat congratulations

Thank you @absolutehush

I know people are trying to be nice but nice doesn't help me and doesn't equate with kind in this situation. Kind would be taking weight seriously.

Yup, had this just the other day. Me saying that my probs are just down to being fat (as i had just received blood test results etc and nothing wrong) and friends chorus of ‘you’re not fat!’.... well, I am, I wear it well and am muscular - but I am also fat. Not healthy to be 16 stone unless you’re a tall muscly man!

@theotherfossilsister Absolutely! It's a weird way of undermining someone. I think sometimes people are so wary of saying the wrong thing. I suppose the best response it's 'if that's something you want, and you'll be healthier and happier, then fantastic. Shall we meet for a walk next week instead of coffee?'

(Not discounting that we're all sick of walks)

Ugh. People are often a nightmare around weight and eating.

If you're suggesting a meet up, don't refer to cake. Just coffee.

If they refer to cake, ignore the reference and at the meeting just refuse the cake. It's easier to say you're not hungry/on medication/just about to meet relative for a meal rather than to refuse because you are trying to lose weight. The minute you say that, the saboteurs/well-meaning mates will be onto you.

If you have any friends who keep pushing the issue, could you perhaps meet them at lunch time? Then you can realistically have something to eat, but it need not be cake and then they don't feel they're the only ones eating.

Good luck with the weight loss.

I'm the opposite when I gained baby weight i got the comments oh you will get your figure back soon ect when I hadn't even mentioned a diet .even had a friend send me slimming World info .

It doesn’t help that whenever there’s a piece about obesity on tv or in the papers they always use those headless stock images of really, morbidly obese people. I’m obese and I don’t look anything like that. To people who don’t know their BMI I can see why the image of what an obese person looks like is completely different to what the reality can be.

My Mum lost over four stone a couple of years ago, taking her BMI down from obese to overweight and very quickly after she started to lose, people began telling her not to lose any more. By the time she was nearing her goal weight, people she barely knew were almost begging her to stop.

Considering she’s in her late 60’s and carried a lot of weight around her middle, it was really infuriating for people to try and convince her to remain obese. Since losing, she finds it so much easier to get around and a healthier diet gives her significantly more energy. She definitely doesn’t look thin either, just a healthy size 12-14.

I had this. I had a BMI over 30 which put me in the obese range. Have lost a stone since Christmas but I’m still in the high 20s BMI wise. Already getting comments that I’ve “lost enough now”... er no, I’m still overweight. And determined to keep going until I reach a healthier weight. Why do other people feel it’s their right to pass judgement or make comments? It’s not helpful or pleasant.

It's very British to immediately say "oh no you look lovely" to try and make someone feel better and stop awkwardness, even though it's wrong. It's a very knee-jerk response. I bite my lip to stop myself doing it!

I know people are trying to be nice but nice doesn't help me and doesn't equate with kind in this situation. Kind would be taking weight seriously.

The trouble is, it's impossible for people to know whether the overweight person they are talking to is someone who would appreciate honesty and consider it a kindness to take their weight seriously, or someone who would be deeply upset and offended by it. So tbh it's a bit unreasonable to expect people to get it right.

What I really don't get is people actively sabotaging it with offering treats, convincing you youve done enough (often they are also a bit overweight).

Ugh, its all a minefield - i second the tip above, just make up an alternative. 'No thanks, im more of a savoury person/not hungry' 'aw, i dont really like anything on this menu' etc etc. You cant argue with simple preference.

I had a bmi of just over 30 this time last year and now it’s 23.7. Ideally, I would like to lose another stone to bring it down to under 22, which is more to the middle of the healthy range and where I was before having children. I haven’t had any comments that I shouldn’t lose any more yet, but I expect I may do as I get nearer to my goal.

I think people genuinely fear saying the wrong thing and are so keen to make others feel good about themselves that they sometimes go too far the other way.