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A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Original poster

Don't know what to do about overweight DP

19 replies

cocopidge · 14/03/2021 18:22

My partner is very overweight (over 30 stone). He is tall (6'7) but his BMI last we calculated is very high, about 45 if I recall.

DP keeps saying how he wants to lose weight because none of his clothes fit properly but never really makes any effort. I've tried cooking him the same meals I am (I'm calorie counting and have lost two stone myself in three months by doing this) but he will just keep ordering takeaways, snacking, eating family packs of crisps and chocolate daily.

I'm worried about him but I don't want to be an arsehole for pushing him to lose weight. I just want him to not get out of breath walking from the Living room across the hall to our bedroom.

How can I encourage DP to lose weight without being a controlling partner?

OP posts:
Alternista · 14/03/2021 18:27

I don’t think you can really- if he doesn’t really want to do it, it won’t work.

Has he had a health MOT at all? I had a health scare last year and it was the kick up the bum I needed to lose the three stone I needed to- surely at this weight he must be starting to see it in his health?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/03/2021 18:28

To get to 30stone is really an eating disorder.

He needs to look for therapy to deal with why he eats to that extreme.

Original poster
cocopidge · 14/03/2021 18:50

He hasn't had a health MOT or been to the doctors for about five years. I'm worried about him developing diabetes or having cholesterol problems. But you're right. I guess I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 19:43

I have to ask. What is he sitting on and how is your bathtub. Because 30 stone iss 190kg and that's pretty demanding on furniture and supports. I wasn't that high and I had issues.

What hit me personally and stayed with me was that at certain weight you can't have standard cremation. It's super harah, but it was just eye opening.

As pls said. You can't force him though. But you should have a polite, but very frank discussion about all this and how you worry. Partners should be able to discuss these things even if it's not particularly comfortable. Has he seen picture of himself? The brain can be such a smart bitch when it comes to denial🙄 You honestly wouldn't believe but I had no ide how fat I was. I knew I was fat, but not HOW fat because my brain just refused to compute. Many brains do, that's why you hear so many stories about "I saw picture of myself and was horrified".

Easterbunnygettingready · 14/03/2021 19:47

Me and dh need to lose a few stone. I have mentioned our sex life depends on it! Not able to feel sexy or manage many variations like we are!!
He agreed...

Original poster
cocopidge · 14/03/2021 20:10

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I have to ask. What is he sitting on and how is your bathtub. Because 30 stone iss 190kg and that's pretty demanding on furniture and supports. I wasn't that high and I had issues.

What hit me personally and stayed with me was that at certain weight you can't have standard cremation. It's super harah, but it was just eye opening.

As pls said. You can't force him though. But you should have a polite, but very frank discussion about all this and how you worry. Partners should be able to discuss these things even if it's not particularly comfortable. Has he seen picture of himself? The brain can be such a smart bitch when it comes to denial🙄 You honestly wouldn't believe but I had no ide how fat I was. I knew I was fat, but not HOW fat because my brain just refused to compute. Many brains do, that's why you hear so many stories about "I saw picture of myself and was horrified".

This is embarrassing but our sofa has broken on the end where he sits. I'm concerned about the shower too. We are moving into a new house with just a bath in a month or so and it dawned on us both he might not be able to fit.

I think that's accurate though. He has always been big, from his early twenties (he's 37 now). He acknowledges that his stomach is big and that his clothes don't fit him properly, but I don't think he KNOWS how big he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocopidge · 14/03/2021 20:11

@Easterbunnygettingready

Me and dh need to lose a few stone. I have mentioned our sex life depends on it! Not able to feel sexy or manage many variations like we are!! He agreed...
Sadly our sex life depends on it too. He just doesn't have the energy really and gets out of breath, especially in the last year.

I think for him where he knows he needs to lose so much, he doesn't know where to start.

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 14/03/2021 20:15

Nobody gets to that size through greed - he has an eating disorder, and it might well kill him. He needs specialist support - can you afford therapy? Or does his work have a health plan?

I'm sorry, for you and for him. People with eating disorders can be incredibly difficult to live with, manipulative and sneaky (I was anorexic, but the behaviours are the same from either angle).

He and/or you could contact this charity for support:

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Original poster
cocopidge · 14/03/2021 20:24

[quote HavelockVetinari]Nobody gets to that size through greed - he has an eating disorder, and it might well kill him. He needs specialist support - can you afford therapy? Or does his work have a health plan?

I'm sorry, for you and for him. People with eating disorders can be incredibly difficult to live with, manipulative and sneaky (I was anorexic, but the behaviours are the same from either angle).

He and/or you could contact this charity for support:

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/[/quote]
Thank you.Flowers

I never considered he might have an eating disorder. Now I feel awful. Unfortunately no health plan through work as we are both self employed. I'll check out the beat website too!

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/03/2021 20:25

I have to sadly disagree. I got to BMI 51 just by... Not a disorder. It's just. Eating... Feeling stupid now, honestly.
It can very well be disorder in his case and it's worth to look into it, it may not be.

@cocopidge ugh. I know. Don't be embarrassed. My sofa got creaky too and we had to strenghten one jointBlush It was actually one my furniture which, errrrm, let me know what it thinks about me... Not about DH though. So the penny dropped.

I now took out large mirror (I hid🤦 not hid hid, just moved, you know... Hid) and it's in a hallway. Cannot miss it. It's harsh, bit it's reminding me that my brain is a work of a devil and I am indeed not size 12 like I see if I look down at myself...

He may genuinely just not know how bad it is. Like you know it somewhere deep inside, but every time the thought starts resurfacing, the "oh it's not that bad fgs, we have no health issues. Look down. Size 12, mate" brain beats it back to submission.

He needs to have the "Oh" moment. No matter what is causing the weight, without "oh" moment, he will not seek help.

missbridgerton · 14/03/2021 20:34

I'm overweight, and the times that DH has mentioned my weight (as in "I'm worried about your health" sort of conversation, not "oi fatty") I've been really really pissed off and wanted to shout that I can see and have a mirror. It was being diagnosed with T2 diabetes that was my turning point and even now, I still struggle.

This really can only come from him. And I bet he already feels pretty shit about it. It's pretty awful though to have to stand back and watch someone destroy themselves slowly and surely Flowers

fallfallfall · 14/03/2021 23:20

he may need to see a dr. and get medical help to get going on this. there are new medications to curb appetite then the concept of healthy eating and increased activity can actually be more effective.

Original poster
cocopidge · 15/03/2021 12:25

Thanks for your advice, all.

We had a difficult conversation last night about it. Dp said he wanted to start calorie counting, so he set himself up with a My Fitness Pal. His daily intake yesterday was 5000 calories. His limit set by the app each day is 2800. Hopefully this will work out for him.Smile

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 15/03/2021 14:28

It will be difficult, he’ll need a lot of protein to stay satiated.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/03/2021 14:33

Kudos to him for giving it a go. Honestly. It takes a lot. And kudos to you for managing to have a solid conversation about it

Love51 · 15/03/2021 14:33

I agree with fall fall fall.
Low / medium carb is probably the way to go. Everything else I've tried has me reaching for the biscuits within a fortnight, and whatever he does, he will need to keep it up for years.

Original poster
cocopidge · 15/03/2021 18:07

Yeah, low carb seems a good shout from what I've read. He loves salmon, eggs, chicken, (all meat really!) and things like avocado's, vegetables. Luckily he's not fussy.

I think we just need to take it step by step. I've also encouraged him to register with a GP to get a health MOT (and also means he might get his covid vaccine sooner??) which he is apprehensive to do but hopefully he will get sorted.

I really appreciate the advice ❤️

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/03/2021 18:09

If he were registered he would have probably already had tthe vaccine

NuclearDH · 15/03/2021 18:10

He needs to see his GP for help as well. Though it sounds good he’s set up calorie counting through MFP. However if he’s struggling with hunger/cravings he could ask the GP about Saxenda which I believe has now had NICE approval for anyone with a BMI above 35.

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