Why am I overeating- some self-reflection and accountability

[Yumyumdindins]

Having just eaten an entire packet of chocolate biscuits by nine o’clock despite my saying that I was going to stick to healthy eating, I feel I need to sit down and really look hard at why I seem unable to kick these bad habits

1- I always feel like I deserve a ‘treat’
I do have disordered eating and an unhealthy relationship with food, particularly sweet things. This stems from my teenage years where my mother thought I was fat, which lead to an enforced diet and the withholding of certain foods. This is rather a simplistic summation of my teenage years (in reality there were all sorts of issues centering around my mother’s need for control and emotional abuse but this is not the place to go into that) but as a result I have never quite been able to shake the feeling that if I don’t have this cake or treat, then I will be depriving myself like in my teens (which then turns into having a cake or treat or biscuit every day, sometimes twice a day!)

2- Boredom
I think every is in the same boat at the moment aren’t they? Being a SAHM to an 18 month old in lockdown has meant more sitting around, more screen time, more boredom and more eating!

3- I feel diets don’t work so I give up
At the start of Feb we did three weeks of dieting, no booze, no take always, no sweet things, healthy meals from scratch. I was walking 3-4 miles a day and running 3 times a week. DH lost half a stone, I put on two pounds. So I gave up. I’ve been trying to loose the remaining baby weight for 18 months and I just can’t seem to do it, it all seems so pointless that I get to about two/three weeks in with no progress so I just stop.

4- I drink too much
Nothing much to say here, other than I know it’s bad for us, we drink too much and during lockdown it’s crept up to appalling levels (probably share a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week)

5- DD is going through teething and sleep regression
I am so tired at the moment, I have seriously reduced will power when sleep deprived and I use sugary/carby things to get me through the day

I used to be better at this, in my 20s/early 30s I used to be very disciplined when it came to food and exercise but I can’t seem to recapture that steely determination. I know where I’m going wrong, but i can’t see how to fix it. I’ve tried WW, and even bought a Slim fast starter pack but couldn’t get through more than 3 days. I have MFP but find it really tricky to log everything when you are cooking from scratch (how do people do it, do you literally weigh everything individually like the onions and garlic etc and add that to MVP to make a completed meal? Seems a bit daunting and sort of a faff when trying to make a meal- see, I’m already making excuses!)

I’m not sure what I wanted from this thread, maybe just to see it all written down? I’m two stone over weight and I just look like a fat, frumpy mum. None of my clothes fit but I don’t want to buy anything new ‘in case I lose weight’ but it’s been 18 months now and I need to sort myself out!

Is anyone else in the same boat? Can anyone offer any advice?

Hi OP, I'm no expert so not sure I can offer you any useful advice except perhaps to stop being so down on yourself, calling yourself 'fat', 'frumpy' etc is not that helpful, it's great to reflect and identify things you can do to improve your life and hold yourself to account to do them, but spiralling into self-criticism and negativity isn't particularly! It sounds like actually you're doing great getting through lockdown with an 18 month old with sleep regression so do look at the positives as well!

If you did want to try MFP I do a combination, so for things I cook all the time I use the create a recipe function, and then it's there ready to input into my food diary, I don't weigh absolutely everything, for things like the veg I just input '1 onion, 1 handful spinach, 1 stock cube' or whatever as it hardly matters if it's slightly smaller or larger one day than the next, and then you can easily do '500g mince', '100ml yoghurt' or whatever just using the packets the ingredients come from. For things where I don't have a recipe created or e.g. eating out or at someone else's house (remember those days? ) I just guesstimate, usually a bit on the cautious side, so if for e.g. you just search 'homemade beef lasagna' on MFP it will bring up several options of other people's homemade lasagna or readymade options, I go for one on the higher side of reasonable. Yes I'm sure this means some days I'm overestimating my cals and other days under, but it's about what works in reality and I for one don't have the time or energy to be weighing and precisely counting every single thing that passes my lips and I don't think that's a particularly mentally/emotionally healthy way to live either.

And to be honest while I do keep a food diary as an accountability/checking tool (I find it does make me think twice about that extra biscuit or opening a new packet of crisps, doesn't always stop me from having it but does make me think a bit rather than mindlessly stuffing my gob!), what works for me is actually intermittent fasting rather than 'pure' calorie counting which I find too restrictive anyway. I do the 16:8 most days combined with a once or twice a week fast day (500 cals) so a sort of modified 5:2, there's loads of info on the relevant boards here if you are interested but the reason I bring it up is I found this way of eating really helpful to establish sustainable healthy eating habits which can become 'rules for life' rather than something I just do as part of a 'diet'/to lose weight, if you see what I mean? Things I have started doing include:

• Never eating breakfast (this is a controversial one I know, some people do need their breakfast but I def don't, if I start eating in the morning, even something healthy but particularly if I have anything carby or sweet, I don't stop all day whereas if I wait until lunchtime I regulate much better)

-Never snacking, only proper planned, nutritious meals (with treats/sweet things included if I want them, but only as part of the meal). If I want a treat I am 'allowed' it, except on a fast day, but quite often when I get the urge I tell myself I'll have it later/tomorrow, that delayed gratification thing seems to work because quite often when later/tomorrow comes around, I don't want the cake/ice cream/biscuit quite as much as I thought I did. This system seems to (largely, not always) eliminate the mindless/emotional snacking I used to do on junky things I didn't really even enjoy, sometimes I would be stuffing my face so fast I wasn't even tasting the food, this way yes I have a cake or whatever but I make sure it's something I've thought about and take the time to actually enjoy so 'worth' the calories...

-Alcohol only at the weekend unless a special occasion

-Never eating past 9pm at night

-Drinking plenty of water during the day, especially if I feel hungry

I wonder if you could start yourself off gently by picking just one thing you want to change and easing yourself into it? It's great that you managed 3 weeks of complete overhaul but as you've found it's not really sustainable to 'bootcamp' yourself in this way and whilst doing this in your 20s when you are really active and your metabolism is super strong means you might drop loads of weight quickly, sadly in middle age weight loss tends to need to be a marathon not a sprint. E.g. if alcohol is a big concern, maybe start by reducing it to 3 nights a week to start or maybe try alternating your glasses of wine with something else, e.g. make yourself drink a big glass of water or squash in between wines, or swap out one of your bottles of wine for a nice non alcohol drink like elderflower presse or something?

I keep recommending this book on here - 'Why we eat (too much)' by Dr Andrew Jenkinson. This helped me to understand why I was eating too much and to let go of some guilt. I've made a lot of changes to my diet and have lost 7lb so far. Another 2st 7 lb to go so it's early days. It's not a 'diet book' but it explains what sort of foods are better to eat if you have a tendency to overeat and/or gain weight. It really has helped me.

@maxelly thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply, certainly some food for thought there.

@LApprentiSorcier thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll definitely have a look at that. Well done on your 7lbs loss!

Op,
Perhaps you can start small steps. So as another poster suggested try only drinking a few nights a week.
Gradually reduce the sweet treats or just don’t buy them at all. You can’t eat what you don’t have.
Continue with the walking

I am a great advocate of intermittent fasting. I know it’s the new buzz phrase, but it does work if done properly
Check the fasting threads on Mn
Best of luck Op

Thank you @Lampzade I’m going to look into fasting and that new one, the Fast 800 I think it’s called?

Also going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and sit down and write a proper plan out to try and tackle thisn

@Yumyumdindins I feel you. Being tired, for me, is the most ruinous thing for appetite and food control. I try to fill the gap with tea and coffee if I feel I really need a pick me up.
As PP have said, keeping up with your water intake helps enormously.
My problem is consistency. I've given up booze for lent and gone back to running and strength training but before lent I was living the high life eating and drinking whatever a d whenever I wanted.

This might seem unrelated and odd, but I'm training my dog's recall skills at the moment. My trainer keeps reiterating the fact I am building new neural pathways forging new behaviours and habits in my dog. That is with constant repetition

Pressed send by mistake, was actually going to delete this last paragraph! 🙄

So, anyway, with every good choice I make for myself I picture new (better) pathways made in my brain. The feeling of making it through the day having done ok is good too.

I'm going to seek out that book recommended here as well.

Good luck!

I found that helpful Madeley, thank you. I must keep motivated for the marathon- a sprint is so much easier to keep the enthusiasm for!

Op, I can relate to the bit about the controlling Mother. I developed a habit of treating myself (food and clothes) because I think I was trying to 'love myself' happy.

I now try to schedule treats into my eating plan, so for example, I have a pudding after every meal but account for it with my savoury calories. There is something too vague about 'eating healthily' that has me diving for the biscuit tin!!!

I wonder if something like a book on emotional / binge eating might help- especially as linked into your experiences growing up. There are some CBT books around

It sounds a bit all or nothing, as a PP mentions maybe start with small steps and things will be easier.

A book I read on the above said it is best to try and eat well, so three meals a day and healthy snacks, focus off weight to start with to help with any kind of binge / treat / emotional eating. Then you aren't hungry which helps

So maybe planning meals and less diet type foods / plans to start with...and then see if it helps

(it said that any restricting behaviour can leads to bingeing as well)

I'm with you OP especially on Tue need for a treat! Struggling to lose anything at the moment and still have the baby weight almost 2.5yrs on.

Not sure what else to say!

Tue = the!

Thank you for all the messages. Definitely some things to think about- thank you though for all the positives and advice.

Today I have taken some responsibility and had a decent breakfast- I stepped away from the sugary cereals that I usually have and had two rounds of whole meal seeded bread with peanut butter and a coffee. It’s also a lovely day here today so I might take the little one out in our new bike trailer for some fresh air and exercise (she slept better last night so I’m feeling a bit more human today!)

@Littlefiendsusan I love that analogy of training the dog! Maybe I should get myself a clicker and use it whenever I make a good/better decision round food!

I think fasting is a really good idea. For me, any weight loss method that relies on a couple of simple rules and doesn't require outright banning of any foods or food groups is a winner. My new plan is to eat literally whatever I like at lunch and dinner, but nothing whatsoever outside of those times (including booze, or even milk in tea).

I'm loving the feeling of no guilt or worrying what I'm eating at meal times and enjoying my big lunch and dinner, but I'm sure I'm eating significantly less overall with no breakfast and no snacks.

I think the opposite- fasting / restricting would probably lead to binging

I find that once I've done a couple of days without breakfast, I don't miss it at all. What makes me want to binge is depriving myself of foods I really want. The more I try not to eat chocolate, biscuits etc the more I crave them, and eventually I give in and eat loads, or I keep sneaking just a bit here and there until it adds up to loads! Whereas I'm finding that if I can say to myself "I can eat chocolate biscuits as long as they are part of my lunch/dinner", it takes away the forbidden desire element and I'm much more likely to have only one or maybe none if I'm full after my main course.

Yes that is mentioned in the books mentioned. I have heard one called Brain over Binge being good. Haven't read it though. I read one called Stuffed which was useful.

I don't think there is a one-size-fits all approach to losing weight. You have to find a method that works for you, or possibly a combination of different elements from different methods.

For me it has been tiredness and overwork and no time to think about what I should eat or shopping for what would be the best option. Instead my OH makes dinner and it's something that he likes (eg steak and chips) and I will finish work hungry, see he's made a meal and it shouldn't go to waste, and eat it knowing that one of the many things that is a big factor in my weight gain is red meat and high fat carbs. I don't even like red meat that much and I don't have a weakness for chips (I have a sweet tooth) but there I am taking up 1000 of my daily calorie allowance on this meal. I have really had to push myself to risk offending him by turning down his meal, or making a salad and only taking a quarter of the steak.

The other thing that has changed is being aware holistically of my metabolism. I am a big drinker and I never realised how much it slows down your metabolism when you drink a lot. Some days even if I was keeping within my calorie goals (even while drinking alcohol) I would still gain weight because I would be slowing down my metabolism by drinking and not exercising.

I've also noticed that HIIT has a big effect on my weight loss as opposed to other forms of exercise.

Actually @amixedbag I’m similar, if my husband suggests a take away or a high calorie meal, I pretty much always say yes, because I don’t want to be seen as the boring one. I think that comes from being a parent of a small child and lockdown- we don’t go anywhere or do anything so life does have a certain monotony to it and food/drink can be a balm to that. I need to start saying no more often (especially as he moans about his weight as well, but finds it so easy to loose weight, the bastard)

I had a small win today. I bought a packet of individually wrapped biscuit bars and allowed myself two with an afternoon coffee. I thought about eating another but I knew that would lead to demolishing the whole lot so stopped by this thread again to read some of the support- so I put the biscuits away and actually felt pleased with myself! It’s such a small thing that for so many people would be normal- only two biscuit bars with a coffee- but for me it’s a small win in re-setting my mindset

Do you wear a Fitbit? I am slim and have always been - but I do eat a whole lot of crap when I feel like it, feel zero guilt and have never been on a diet (neither was my mum, ever, on a diet). My body sort of self regulates so if I eat a lot one day (e.g huge curry at 9pm) then I am just not that hungry the next. And I definitely sometimes drink too much for extended periods but I do then also find that my liver craves a break. I think for some people self regulation does not work as well. I have also noticed that I eat more unhealthy food when I am not sleeping well or enough. I would say, ditch the guilt, wear a fit bit and aim for minimum 12000-14000 steps a day (walking is fine, even moving around the house etc) and have lots of healthy snacks around and very easy to access like nuts, hummus and carrots, apple and peanut butter, that kind of thing, edamame beans so if you feel hungry eat that first and then maybe 1-2 biscuits at the end. There is no point feeling guilty, every day is a new day.

@Yumyumdindins

Actually *@amixedbag* I’m similar, if my husband suggests a take away or a high calorie meal, I pretty much always say yes, because I don’t want to be seen as the boring one. I think that comes from being a parent of a small child and lockdown- we don’t go anywhere or do anything so life does have a certain monotony to it and food/drink can be a balm to that. I need to start saying no more often (especially as he moans about his weight as well, but finds it so easy to loose weight, the bastard)

I had a small win today. I bought a packet of individually wrapped biscuit bars and allowed myself two with an afternoon coffee. I thought about eating another but I knew that would lead to demolishing the whole lot so stopped by this thread again to read some of the support- so I put the biscuits away and actually felt pleased with myself! It’s such a small thing that for so many people would be normal- only two biscuit bars with a coffee- but for me it’s a small win in re-setting my mindset

That's a big win actually. Literally ANY small change is a big win. It then leads to another and another and then the "booom" penny hitting of "actually how many I eat now is absolutely enough" realisation which then makes you relax much more and enjoy the whole process. I am not sure this makes sense.