I don’t know how to stop eating.

[Squiffy01]

I’ve just weighed myself and I am the fattest I have ever been in my life, including when I was 9 months pregnant.
I can’t seem to stop shoving food in my mouth. I’ve gained 18kg since December last year I’m so disgusting and so ashamed yet I still keep putting crap in my mouth. I had a good month before lockdown joined Weight Watchers and lost 3.8kg but as soon as lockdown hit and I couldn’t go to weigh in anymore I’ve gained it back plus more.
I hate it so much so why can’t I stop.
My meals are healthy, my portions sizes for meals are generally fine. It’s the non stop crap I eat between meals. Mainly chocolate.

I know what to do. Don’t eat it. I don’t buy any in my weekly shop. But then when I need to pop to the shop I get a lot or if my husband pops to the shop he will get me some. So even if I go half a week without any I then binge on it for days. I’m am so disgusted.
I need to stop. I need to lose it all as none of my clothes fit which means I don’t go anywhere apart from a walk with toddler in the woods which doesn’t help my head space.

I know exactly how to eat healthy. I just can’t seem to manage it long term.
Anyone want to attempt a slow and steady put the chocolate down plan?

Slow and steady won't work if this is what you're doing!

You and your husband need to take responsibility for this and stop buying the stuff. No-one is forcing you to put it into your mouth.

You have two options:

a) carry on like this and keep gaining weight
or
b) stop doing it and lose the weight

At the moment, you're choosing option a.

While all of that sounds harsh, I do understand that emotional eating is a very, very difficult thing to overcome. So you need to ask yourself why are you choosing an option which is clearly hurting you?

In your post you talk about lack of headspace, so this is something you should work on - you need time for you as well as giving time to your husband, toddler and (presumably) your home.

What do you do to make yourself feel better? It could be anything - a walk on your own, time off to go and read/watch tv/have a bath, time to do some online studying - etc etc.

and good luck - it's not easy.

@BIWI I wish a harsh reply would be all it took to stop me.

I need to keep in my head no one is forcing me to put it in my mouth. This is true.

I don't do a lot for myself, I watch a tv in the evening for some time to myself but it is less of a treat and relaxation more its the only way I can get out of my head and not think about things too much.

It is so bad that I find myself wishing it was 15 years ago when I was the opposite, where I can eat very little for days. I've just gone from one end to the other, and this fat mess I have become is so much harder to be.
At the beginning of the year I was blaming it on the steroids I needed, but that was just an excuse cause I have finished treatment for months now and I'm still just stuffing my face.

I started putting everything I eat into the nutracheck calorie counter which was a massive eye opener.

Can I ask how old you are and whether you might be peri-menopausal/ menopausal? This happened to me at this time and in the end I got a diabetic level blood sugar reading that shocked me into losing some weight though have been struggling to keep it off ever since. It may be that you have metabolic syndrome as I have which combined with menopause can throw your whole system out. You may need to look at your whole lifestyle - relaxation, exercise, vitamins as well as diet - that and HRT if you are menopausal. Good luck!

@ariel333 I'm 33. I had chemo earlier in the year which could put me into early menopause but I have no other symptoms so don't think that is it to be honest.

I do think it has been emtoional eating getting out of control. I have always been an emotional eater (or restrictor) but have always always been able to reign it in which I'm finding impossible at the moment.

I'm trying to stop snacking too OP, when I want something to eat I'm trying to make a coffee instead or a cold drink.

Hello @Squiffy01 I absolutely understand how you are feeling now. The loathsome internal dialogue is awful. The good news is that you can do it!
I have been where you are (a couple of times at least, I always swear I won’t go back but I do). I am now back to a healthy weight with a bit more to go.
Non-performance can tell you how to do it but I can tell you my way of it helps. I wrote myself a set of rules: no eating standing up, this stops me attacking the cupboards, no bread or pastry because then this vastly reduces my intake of cheese and butter, no snacking- not ever, we don’t need food between meals, a bit of hunger is not dangerous! I have a couple of others but won’t bore you!
In essence, you sound like you know yourself sufficiently to write your own rules and create your own method of accountability. Do get your hubby on board to help, I am sure he will engage.
Please message me if you want to chat, you can do this but you need to change the internal dialogue!
You are not alone and you deserve to sort your eating out.

@Gordonsgrin thank you so much for your response. It does help to know it's not just me. Rules sound like a very good idea.

OP I can really sympathise because I have binge eating disorder and find it so hard to curb overeating generally. I put on 20 kilos over a couple of years and felt disgusting, yet I couldn’t stop eating. At my highest, I was 14 and a half stone. I looked really big and I was out of breath climbing the stairs.

The only way I could do it was to sit down and work out how many calories I ate, how many I burned and how many I needed to eat to lose the weight. I then worked out a suitable calorie amount for me, which was 1750 cals. I cut out no food groups and tried to eat a balanced diet. I also forced myself to walk every day, no matter what the weather or my mood. I did yoga too and I honestly couldn’t have done it without exercising. It just puts you in a different headspace plus my walking and yoga would burn 500 cals a day.

I have now lost 18 kilos. I still struggle and have just had a difficult week with lots of overeating. I’m back on the wagon though and determined never to let my weight get that high again.

@RealityNotEssentialism
Thanks for that. Can I ask how you work out how many calories you need to have.