Why can't I do this?!

[Gemi33]

I just have no idea what is wrong with me. I am huge and so miserable. I look terrible. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I haven't to wear and look awful. So why can't I just get my head in the right place and lose weight??? I feel like I have failed so many times, tried so many approaches and just can't do it. My job is incredibly busy and stressful which doesn't help but it isn't going to change any time soon so I need something that's convenient, that I can stick to.

I just want to look and feel better and feel like myself again. I just seem to have zero motivation or willpower despite having so many reasons I want to do it. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did you ever manage to do it?

xx

I did it.
First question is, why are you overweight? What do you eat in a typical day, and what are your activity levels like?

I have pretty much always had issues with my weight (I have a thyroid issue and some other medical issues which make it harder but I have managed to lose weight in the past), but I have never been this big before. I have a stressful job (in front of a computer for long hours) and I live on my own, I am constantly exhausted which makes exercise difficult and also increases the tendency to make unhealthy choices. I can be an emotional eater and I think the combination of stress, being alone and generally feeling down means that I just feel stuck in a rut and because I have tried to lose weight so many times I don't really believe I can do it anymore.

When I have been successful at losing weight in the past I have felt really positive about it and focused and I just can't get my head into that place now. I don't particularly enjoy exercising but in the past have exercised with a friend but she doesn't want to do it any more and I just don't enjoy walking or going to the gym on my own, plus I have very little time currently due to work.

xx

Ok - I don't think you're going to like this response, but all I've read in your post is excuses.
You're tired.
You work at a computer.
You work in a stressful job with long hours.
Your friend won't exercise with you.
You have very little time.

In the gentlest possible way, do you realise that applies to the majority of people? If you hop over to the exercise board, you'll see the people running and cycling 50+ miles a week are all juggling stressful jobs and children. It's really hard but it's about priorities.

You can do this. You can make a change. But first of all you have to accept that your circumstances aren't exceptional. That it will be hard at first. And that it'll take a long time to make permanent lifestyle changes stick.

Small steps, OP. A walk every morning at 6am could soon be a run every morning at 6am. But first you have to tell yourself you can do it

OP give this a watch: m.youtube.com/watch?v=jn0Ygp7pMbA

Tl;dr you're better off focusing on healthy habits than the number on the scale.

Sounds like before you start on a “diet” addressing your relationship with food would be a good idea.

Exercise obviously has loads of mental and physical health benefits but for losing weight it doesn’t make THAT much of a difference.

Kind of like fellrunner said, stressful job and being tired are easy to overcome but it just takes a bit of organisation and preparing food.

I can really, really recommend making yourself your own ready meals for a freezer. I couldn't be arsed to cook every day something nice for myself so i ended up eating easy options which don't satisfy properly.

Now I have different curries, chili, various roasted chicken parts, always have fish fillets, some nice far east meals etc and portions of rice in a freezer. If I can't be arsed to cook, I defrost one of these. I know what's in them, they are convenient AND they do satisfy me well.

Re the workouts. Just do some home. Find some good short ones, so you have no "no time" excuse. Which btw IS just an excuse (as i found too) unless you work 20 hours a day.

Exercise obviously has loads of mental and physical health benefits but for losing weight it doesn’t make THAT much of a difference.

It actually makes THAT much difference exacly because it has loads of benefits for mental and physical health😁 If you feel better, it's easier to make better choices.

Obviously you can't outrun your fork though.

DietDoctor. Look it up. It'll sort you out good and proper. I'm on it now. I have a lot of weight to lose. I've lost 8 pounds this week by doing the opposite of what we think we're supposed to do.

It actually makes THAT much difference exacly because it has loads of benefits for mental and physical health

Exactly this. When I was overweight I'd feel crap about myself, then eat and drink too much, then feel rubbish the next day, and the cycle would repeat.

Now I'm fit, I don't drink alcohol at all anymore, because I found it affected my running. I got out of the habit, and now it's easy not to drink at all. I also don't eat crap food such as greasy takeaways because I know it'll make me feel appalling if I run the next day.

I feel better, so I look better, which in turn makes me feel better..and it's altogether a more positive cycle. It's also nice to be able to have a slice of cake in the knowledge I'll probably burn off the equivalent of a whole cake in my long runs

Exercise makes a huge difference! My exercise increases my TDEE by 500 calories a day and it’s mainly walking!
Research in people who are able to maintain weight loss (which I assume most people want to) shows that the vast majority who were successful exercised for an hour a day (again, mainly walking). People who say you don’t need exercise are confusing the fact that you can’t lose weight JUST through exercise. But if you stay very sedentary when dieting, it’s unlikely to be very effective. Also, I think some people don’t see walking as exercise and/or they don’t realise how sedentary some people actually are because they have a naturally active lifestyle or job and don’t think they exercise. Before I started losing weight and walking 10-12000 steps a day, I was doing fewer than 1000 steps some days. I reckon there’s a fair few overweight people who are the same. To lose weight while almost totally sedentary requires a super low calories intake that is almost impossible to maintain.

To OP: start small with just being healthy and getting through that day and doing your steps and eating well. Consistency is so important. If you’re healthy every day for a month, I promise you will see a difference on the scales and can then take it from there.

Research in people who are able to maintain weight loss (which I assume most people want to) shows that the vast majority who were successful exercised for an hour a day (again, mainly walking)

Fuck😂

Research in people who are able to maintain weight loss (which I assume most people want to) shows that the vast majority who were successful exercised for an hour a day

This mirrors my experience too. I did fad diet after fad diet, but it was only when I started running that I lost the weight and kept it off. I exercise for quite a bit more than an hour a day, on average. I went from a 12/14 to a size 8 and have so far kept it off for almost 5 years.

@fellrunner85 that’s amazing keeping it off for that long. I think it’s a reality. I do mainly brisk walking and a bit of jogging but I know i have to keep it up. If I go back to being sedentary I can only eat about 1750 calories which is very easy to exceed and I will gain weight again. I love walking though so that helps!

@Gemi33 I also struggle with time and a sedentary job. For the last 3 weeks I've made myself get up at 545 3 week day mornings and go for an hour's walk, it's tough but I know I have to do it. I also walk every day but do 3 early mornings. I've lost 10lbs in 3 weeks but also been golden with eating

I've been there OP, at my heaviest I was 18st3lb and morbidly obese. I was able to get down to Obese a few years ago and then stalled and gave up. Now I'm back on the weight loss, here's what's helping me.

I have a very clear vision in my mind about emptying my whole wardrobe into bin bags and taking it all to the charity shop. I will get there!

I use myfitnesspal to log all food and drink, I aim for 12-1400 calories but know I could go to 1700 and still lose. This allows me to have some empty calories when I feel I need them.

I've reduced but not cut out carbs so don't feel like im missing out on anything. I've increased green veg, protein and good fats, no low-fat alternatives, so full fat Greek yoghurt, real butter, olive oil... all of which is much more filling than the low fat versions so I don't spend all day hungry.

I've also signed up on the Our Parks website and am doing the couch to fitness programme. It's 3 x 30 minute workouts a week for 9 weeks. Starts easier with a warm up, 20 seconds of exercise, 40 seconds of 'active rest' where you just walk on the spot or similar, then a cool down. As the weeks go on the exercise time increases and the rest decreases. In the 3 x workouts you cover cardio, core and Glutes. It's all done in your house, no equipment except a mat or cushion for your knees.

It's really easy to fit the exercise in, as just need 30 minutes, no prep or travel before or after, so I don't have to get up early or go out late. I usually squeeze it in at lunch (WFH) and then continue about my day.

If I have a day where I go over calories. I just log it and move on to the next day where I aim to do better. No self-flagellation or guilt, just a new day and a new chance.

Since beginning of August I've lost 23lb, I'm now 210lb, I can very nearly saw I'm not obese, just 13 more pounds and I'll be 'Overweight' for the first time since I was 11 years old.

Sit down and think about what you want to be, how you want to feel, what your goals are. Use those to spur you on. You can do this, you really can!

Sorry I disappeared - the last week got extremely busy! Thanks for all the really helpful replies!

xx

OP, I feel for you because it sounds like you are the end product of years of hearing how losing weight is just a question of will power. If you have the willpower then you will achieve.

I actually don't think this is true. I think willpower is finite and waivering. Relying on a method of weight loss that requires suffering, in any form, is risking "failure" because one day your willpower will not be enough. Which is fine. And normal.

Instead of willpower I found greater success with commitment. It sounds like semantics, but I think of the two as different.

Commitment makes me go to work every day, walk the dog every day, brush my teeth everyday. None of those are activites that I consider to be optional. None really require motivation or willpower, they are just accepted parts of my day. I do whatever I can to make them more enjoyable. I might buy a fancy toothbrush or walk in beautiful locations, listen to podcasts, buy nice office clothes (in days when offices were a thing!). But I do them, day in, day out, regardless.

My commitment to myself was that of health. Not weight loss. Real, holistic health.

For you, OP. I hear that you are stressed in your job. Stress has all sorts of impacts on impulse control and metabolism. If you try to lose weight while you are stressed you are already fighting an uphill battle.

If you are focussing on heath, then stress reduction has to be a priority. How you reduce stress will be personal to you, but ideas might include:

• meditation (don't dismiss as hippy, even 10 mins peace in which you lower your heart rate through focussed medetation can help you cope with stress the rest of the day).
• exercise, especially of the variety you enjoy rather than make yourself do. Give yourself permission to do it as lazily or slowly as you need to enjoy it. I run, but my running pace is not very differet to my walking pace. I have lon since given up thinking I have to run fast. What I have to do is enjoy running - and I most enjoy running when I plod
• changing your job, even just tweaks (appreciate not always practical)
• changing the way you approach your job; lots of people find writing down 2-3 specific daily goals when they first get into work that they commit to getting done ach day, helps
• making a commitment to better sleep, such as set bedtimes you stick to

I'm sure there are loads more, but you get the idea.

Fix your stress levels first. Then, when you feel like your stress coping mechanisms are now habits, look at the next thing that you can change that will benefit your health.

The next thing might be the food you eat. But it might not. It might instead be something like the way you talk to, and about, yourself. You have talked about yourself in a way that, if you spoke to a friend like that, they would not logner be your friend. The way we think about ourselves can be linked to simple muscle memory - if we always think negative things it becomes easier and easier to think them. The next thing you tackle might be attempting to change that muscle memory.

I suspect I've babbled on tpo long, but you asked if anyone ever managed to change their life from what you describe.

I did. Nothing worked for me until I was able to let go of thinking of a scale number as any kind of measurement of success or self-worth. Only when I tackled my health - ALL of my health - did the weight become an easy fix.