How to motivate obese brother

[Chocolatefreak]

My brother is extremely obese. He has been overweight for years but I have just seen him for the first time since before lockdown, and he's put on about another 20-30 kilos. He's now around 140 kg, and is 5'10. He struggles with walking even short distances, can't sit straight at the table, and feels faint and unwell when it's hot or after any exertion. He is aware of his weight but continues to consume high calorie things constantly. He will not drink just water for example, but sugary drinks or beer. He cannot refuse any food or drink that's visible. He has been working hard over lockdown and is stressed about work and he is trying hard to bring his partner over from the states to live with him; and I know he is anxious about the visa process. But this weight gain has continued over the last ten years and is not unique to this issue. My sister, mother and I are very worried about him and have tried to make positive suggestions - we simply can't ignore the fact that his condition is life-limiting, uncomfortable and very unhealthy. Our observations that he needs to do something have not helped - this time he said he was not in a good place mentally and so was not in a position to work on his weight - he wants to get other things sorted out first. But I am sure his weight is contributing to his levels of stress about life in general. What can I do to help? Practical suggestions such as recording weight gain and loss, joining Slimming World, keeping a food diary etc have not worked. My sister has in the past written him a meal plan. Ignoring weight gain, commenting on weight gain, over the years, none of this has worked. We can't just let him destroy himself. My stepfather (his father) is also very overweight and has multiple health issues - we are all so scared he will end up with the same debilitating problems. Any suggestions?

I am not sure he wants to change enough For anything you do to help. He needs to really want it so there isn’t much you can do apart from offering to help when he is ready. Losing a lot of weight takes a long time and is a massive commitment.

To be honest I think his current goal should be weight maintenance and halting the weight gain. Perhaps ask him what his plan is (for when he is ready) and see if there are any a changes he could make now that would slow the gain.

He needs to find the thing that shifting the weight will ‘give’ him (so a positive rather than a negative).

So it could be looking better, being able to run for the bus or climb the stairs without being out of puff, be free of joint pains, be able to play football, get into swimming trunks on the beach... motivation is the hardest part.

Maybe an app like MyFitnessPal (tracks food intake and activity) might encourage him? Try to incorporate activity into the day (even if it’s a 20 min walk around the block before dinner) and address the food he is eating and what he could have instead as that also want sound healthy.

If he feels that mentally he isn’t in a good place - then taking control of his weight/diet/exercise will give him back some feelings of control and achievement.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like he wants to change and take responsibility. Quite possibly he is aware that it will be a long haul and mentally he just can't face it. My brother is obese and 2 years ago told me he was diabetic. He had been warned he was pre-diabetic but even that didn't make him change his habits. The way he told me was just with a shrug and 'oh well more tablets to take'. I'm no doctor but I'm not sure that many people are aware how dangerous it is to be that overweight.

I would just reach out to him and tell him you are worried and that you there when he wants your support.

That’s so sad :( it must be really hard watching him get more and more debilitated. I have to agree with the first reply though, you can’t make him change.

Personally I found focusing purely on strength and fitness helped me begin to lose weight, it was much more positive finding things that I could do that I couldn’t do before, compared to hoping the numbers reduced on the scales.

But again if he isn’t ready to focus on that there is unfortunately nothing you can do. Even though I wasn’t thinking about weight specifically, it still took a lot of mental work to even think about fitness and exercise, and I wasn’t in that place for a long time.

There is nothing that you can do. Mentioning it kindly, from a place of love and concern, is fine. But you have done that. It is up to him.

The only angle that may not yet have been covered by the family is whether his partner is going to be shocked when they come over from the States and discover how much weight he has gained. But the typical answer to that sort of comment is "they should love me as I am" so you may not get anywhere.

He needs to want to change... not you or his mum or sister. Him. He says he isn’t in the right place for it- what does he say would need to change for him to be in the right place? Would he do a pro and cons list of losing weight- what does he stand to lose or gain (other than weight?). Maybe just tell him you love him and you’re worried and that you’d be there to support him when he does want to change.

It's very upsetting to watch someone slowly killing themselves, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can be honest with him if it comes up in conversation, or if he's moaning about how awful things are, that his obesity is the main reason for his problems, but you would also have to accept that he might get angry with you. Personally, I would be honest. Other than that, it's out of your hands.

It’s difficult.

I like mfp and calorie counting and I’m very committed and strict but DH on the other hand isn’t, even though he needs to lose weight and knows this.

My sister hates calorie counting and meal planning so has slim fast with snacks and a random meal that’s not weighed or calorie counted.

It’s frustrating but if people don’t want to lose weight or put the effort in they won’t, no matter how much their life is limited.

@Spodge this is another worry! We are so happy that he's happy with his new partner and want things to work out - we are also concerned that he might be a bit taken aback when he sees the huge weight gain. Haven't mentioned this to him though as thought it might be too hurtful. I'm sure he's thought of it, but I also sometimes get the feeling (from his comments and my stepfather's) that they think they're not really that overweight! I feel like a professional (ie a doctor) needs to spell out the problems ahead.

@Lucked I know he has to want to change himself, but it's awful to feel that he's going to become diabetic or get heart disease and feel like perhaps there was something we could have said or done to make him want to address it.

Of course he knows he’s overweight.

Do things together that don’t revolve around food. Don’t eat when you meet. Don’t use food as a prize or celebration. Don’t talk about what you ate, talk about what you did. Do more.