Weight loss when you used to have an Eating Disorder

[MadamMooch]

So my BMI is stable at 24 but I’m the wrong side of 30 and my joints could probably use a bit less weight on them. I look healthy but well-padded.
I have been recovered from my ED for a long time and have a pretty much guilt-free relationship with food now.

However, whenever I restrict calories I have an overwhelmingly strong binge urge and obsessive thoughts about food. As I understand it, this is a survival mechanism, made stronger in my case by years of disordered eating. As much as I would like to start 16:8 or any of the other diets that work for people, I can’t touch that mindset again, not without therapy.

Has anybody managed to help their body to a healthier size without deliberate calorie restriction, or do I just need to accept that this is it?

I have been reading Intuitive Eating this week and it doesn’t sound as simple as I’d imagined.
I’m definitely a shoveller (young kids and little time) and sometimes I snack to zone out. Because of these habits I think my resting weight is a little higher than it should be.
I am very physically active already and couldn’t do more without making myself exhausted.
Any book suggestions, especially about accepting yourself/ honouring your hunger/mindful eating would be gratefully received.

Sounds like I’m in a very similar situation to you, high healthy BMI, previous ED and young kids and honestly I’ve been trying to work this out for years and I’ve yet to find anything that doesn’t send me back into old habits.

Anything calorie counting, 5:2, carb counting. I want to binge. I used to be anorexic and I don’t think I could go back there but I can see slipping back to bulimia or binge eating would be quite easy. Now I have kids I’m especially wary of anything that might send me that way. It’s a miserable existence with ED isn’t it and I have worked so hard to get to where I am now with food.

What’s helped me most is weight lifting. I’ve been doing it for a few years now and although I’m still higher BMI that I want to be it helps that it’s fairly toned! I’m a much nicer shape than when I was this BMI and just did stupid amounts of cardio. You don’t say what kind of activity that you do, but if it’s not weights could you incorporate some of that and rather than trying to lose weight?

If you’re fit anyway I’m sure you already look great, we’re our own worse critics!

@Nosleeptilteenagers It’s difficult, because I know I’m healthy and fine as I am and, like you say, don’t want to risk going there again.

Do you lift at home or gym it (in non-corona times)?
The strength stuff I do is just yoga and working on pull-ups, but I would like to try proper strength training. I know I feel healthy when I’m stronger too.

My gym turned into a crossfit one not long after my eldest was born so I just kinda went along with it. Honestly, the best thing I’ve ever done fitness wise. I was running tens of miles every week before just to burn calories and it just gave me a new perspective on things because I really enjoyed the weights and wanted to be strong. My body changed for the better although my weight didn’t - although it’s a bit wobblier now thanks to lockdown!

I’ve suffered from anorexia and bulimia on and off for about 10 years. I too really struggled with dieting as I had exactly the same issue.
I gained a lot of weight a few years back by binge eating on night shifts to the point where I was way beyond my heaviest and felt very very uncomfortable in my own skin.

I’ve lost almost 2.5 stone over the course of the last year and a half. It’s been very slow as I had the same issues/concerns. First I just focused on making ‘better choices’ and I found I would generally have a good couple of weeks and drop about 5lb then maintain there for a couple of months then repeat. I got a bit more serious during lockdown especially with exercising. Eventually this has evolved into calorie counting as I got fed up and just want it done now but I’m not finding it triggering now. Maybe because I took it so slow to start? I also kind of had to break the mindset- I’ve told myself for years that I couldn’t diet as I would binge and in the end that kind of became a self fulfilling prophecy. Once I realised that, I was able to restrict to a healthy level and as long as I don’t let myself go ‘under’ my calories too many days in a row (then I start feeling guilty about eating to my allowance), I’ve found I’m coping well.

I also definitely wouldn’t say I’m THAT far from the edge. I struggled a lot with my mental health during lockdown and did have a few b/p episodes and a few days of heavy restriction but I’ve managed to keep it at bay.

HOWEVER, that all said and done; whilst I feel MUCH better in myself and more confident - I was only slightly overweight to start so didn’t have physical issues - I am now approaching my goal. I’m fitting into size 10 jeans which is my happy size but still quite far from my goal weight so exercise has massively changed my body so I don’t think I need to lose as much as I thought I did, but I am still looking in the mirror and seeing a non flat tummy and too big thighs. So I think at some stage soon, I need to start looking at improving my body image instead. So losing weight hasn’t fixed it all.

Sorry for the epically long, rambly post. This is a subject close to my heart as food issues have plagued my life and frankly the main reason I wanted to lose weight was so I could stop feeling guilty about eating what I want.

What's your diet like generally? If it's poor, you might see some changes just by altering it.

I began by cutting calories quite drastically to around 1200 a day, often slipping to 1000 - but over time realised I was heading into eating disorder territory too and began to worry.

I stopped being quite so strict and started eating whenever I felt hungry instead - but I'm still slowly losing weight and feeling better because I'm eating healthier food.

I cut out all sugar, sweets, processed foods, extra salt and focused on eating vegetables, eggs and fish, and thinjs like cucumber for snacks, treating them mentally like a medical treatment I just had to take.

Is there any chance something like this would help you (so, healthier eating rather than less eating?)

I suffered from disordered eating in my teens although no diagnosed eating disorder at any point. I have had the same issues with wanting to drop a bit of weight for health reasons and wanting to exercise for the same (also because I enjoy it!) but never quite knowing how to find that balance without slipping back.

Like Foreverlexicon I have been focussing on just making better choices for now (and it's really helpful to know this worked, thanks for sharing!). So I haven't restricted any food groups or calories and I'm working really really hard at not seeing anything as bad food. But I try to take a moment to pause and work out what my body is actually asking for before reaching for food, and I have the same attitude to food every day no matter how active I've been or what exercise I have planned.

I'm still in the midst of figuring this out, but you're not alone... One thing I have started, and you'll know whether this could be triggering for you or not, is a food diary. It categorically does not state how much of things but what I've done is write what I eat and how I feel at the end of the day. Not "bad" or "guilty" type stuff but "bloated/sick/great/tired" etc. It's had some interesting insights!

@Nosleeptilteenagers Have always fancied CrossFit!
@ForeverLexicon thanks for sharing that. I know just what you mean about not beingthat far from the edge. It’s such a fine balance. I feel that for me, any foray into counting isn’t something I can cope with. I’m at the stage where I don’t feel emotionally attached to a ‘better’ smaller version of myself and want to lose a bit for ease of movement/joint health (plus vanity😄) but it’s amazing how restriction can bring all those old feelings back.
Good luck for the future!

@Oxyiz My diet composition is actually good, I’m pretty sure I just eat too much of it😄 When I had the kids I wanted to make sure we had a healthy family diet from the outset. It’s closest to the Mediterranean diet I suppose. I find mealtimes quite stressful for myself, because I like to have quiet when I’m eating so I can try savour my food. Obv not possible with several children making food noises and asking for various things. I often find myself shovelling it down to get it over with. Also do a lot of snacking on nuts(!) and necking cups of tea to zone out from the madness, so I definitely need another coping technique, or at least a plateful of crudités for mindless snacking until then.

@flipperdoda The food diary is one thing that’s suggested in the Intuitive Eating Workbook I’ve started this last week! Glad to know it’s working for you. You’re right, I was worried it could be triggering as I used to calorie count in a notebook when I was ill, but I’m going to give it a go. I think it’ll help me face up to when I want to mindlessly snack and which foods make me feel better/worse.
Thank you everybody. X

Totally get it - I struggled with the fact that I needed to reduce my intake to lose any weight, but I knew that using my fitness Pal would end badly (that's how I used to track!) and I was wary of any sort of calorie awareness let alone tracking really! Hard to lose weight when you don't know and don't want to know how many calories you're eating

The diary has definitely made me face up to what I'm eating when and why! Like I say though - I'm focussed on better choices. So the other day was crap work-wise and I ate a whole bag of crisps with dip BUT what I wanted to do was that and eat chocolate so it was still a "better" choice and it was the best I could make on that day. Learning not to beat myself up about it but keep trying! Best of luck.

This is helpful, I have a similar background and am struggling with this all or nothing mentality. I have gained slightly too much weight and am focusing on losing a bit, very much to feel better and not focusing on the being smaller. I just can’t seem to find the happy medium, I’m either logging on MyFitnessPal to ‘stay in control’ which always ends up to binges, or if I don’t keep track somehow, I eat too much. How do you find the balance! I also appear to have no metabolism whatsoever and shifting a pound is next to impossible!

Would you feel the same if you made your portions smaller rather than actual counting?
If you normally have for example 5 spoons of mashed potato with something, make it 3.5.

Thanks @flipperdoda, same to you!

I hadn’t realised how primitive the binge-urge was until I went through a stressful time last year and missed meals. Weight was the last thing on my mind, but I realised a couple of weeks in that I kept thinking about buying doughnuts (which I never eat as I don’t like them, but were a food I fixated on when ill) My body knew it was losing weight, even if I wasn’t focusing on it.

@Ashmarie It’s so hard isn’t it☹️

@SchrodingersImmigrant alas no. I just slap everyone’s food on a plate and hope for the best. Ideally I’d like to eat in a relaxed enough manner to stop when I start to feel satisfied, but mealtimes are anything but relaxing and often taken standing up whilst feeding the baby.