Trying to lose weight when VERY stressed

[Pegs11]

Hello,

I am hoping someone can help me with this one. I have been getting gradually heavier over the past few years, when my life suddenly became very stressful. I’m now about two stone overweight.

I have suffered from a lot of grief, anger and stress/anxiety in the last few years, as well as developing CFS which has severely limited the amount of exercise I can do... none of this has helped my waistline.

I have had times, often several weeks at a time, when the stress has temporarily abated, and during those times I have found it much easier to eat sensibly, control my intake of calories, and to lose weight (I lost a stone last year during a “good period”).

But as soon as the stress starts up again, I find it pretty much impossible to maintain a healthy diet... I tend to comfort eat, and trying to watch what I eat and limit my intake of comforting food has just felt like too much to manage on top of everything else that’s going on. And it just makes me unhappy, having to forego pleasures at a time when there is so little pleasure in my life as it is.

I have been trying to manage the anxiety and depression, but the meds I’ve been put on don’t help with weight loss as they massively increase my appetite!

My family are kind of “fat shamers” who don’t seem to understand why I can’t “just” lose weight. They think I’m just lazy and greedy and that I have an aversion to exercise.

But it’s not laziness or greed that stops me losing weight, it’s simply not having the tools to do it when my emotional and physical resilience Is so low.

I have always taken responsibility for my weight... that doesn’t make controlling it any easier.

I tried Weightwatchers but it made me very ill. Plus I found it incredibly tedious and kind of depressing.

Losing weight is easy when I’m NOT stressed and not trying to juggle a million things at once. But I’m stressed and trying to maintain a juggling act probably 80% of the time.

I just wondered how others have managed/are managing, when they have a really stressful life. How do you manage to stay on top of everything? Are there any tools you have found helpful in managing to stick to a routine, and to be able to say “no” when the cakes are offered around?

I’d like to add two things to the above: my day always starts off well, I eat a healthy breakfast (porridge). But as the day progresses it gets worse. Dinner is the killer...

The other thing is, my diet isn’t actually THAT bad. A typical day will be: porridge for breakfast, sandwich or something with rice or an omelette for lunch, and then something like homemade curry with rice for dinner. I only occasionally have fast food, takeaways etc.

My vice is chocolate, I probably have 2 chocolate bars a day. I just fucking love chocolate and it makes me feel happy and contented.

(...Albeit temporarily)

Sorry to hear about all the things which have happened to you . To be honest for someone coping with that kind of stress, being a bit overweight/eating a bit too much chocolate is hardly the worst coping mechanism you could have. It sounds a lot like you've answered your own question, you are perfectly capable of eating well and losing weight, it's all the other things going on in your life that are preventing that from happening. It's not that you lack the knowledge of how to eat healthily or the skills to cook or are just lazy or anything, so whilst I and others on here could share all sorts of weight loss advice/tips/plans, it doesn't sound like that's what you really need right now. For me I would say you need to cut yourself some slack on your weight/eating which is really not that bad in any case, and dedicate what time and mental energy you can to sorting out the underlying causes?

I know things like grief, anger and CFS don't have quick or easy solutions at all, but perhaps you could look into counselling and/or addressing some of the other causes of stress/anxiety in your life (of which it seems like your family with their unhelpful shaming is one!)?

I certainly have found that it's been super important for me to accept which sources of stress in my life (sick or mentally unwell relatives for instance) I can't 'fix' no matter how hard I try, and to develop other sources of comfort and stress relief aside from eating. Also to develop healthy habits and exercise which I can fit into my life and even enjoy without them being an additional source of stress or a chore I have to fit in alongside everything else - so for me things like a daily walk with headphones plugged in listening to my favourite podcast is a pleasure rather than something done on sufferance. Getting a weekly delivery of delicious seasonal fruit keeps me away from the cake and chocolate to some extent. A relaxing hot bath in the evening stops me constantly diving into the biscuit tin etc etc. I am not particularly crafty but I know a lot of people find something like crotchet which occupys the hands very helpful, equally I am not a big meditation/mindfulness/journal-ling person but that's another thing I know can help. But I think whatever works for you, the main thing is to make changes in order to look after and be kind to yourself, rather than because society expects you to look a certain way or because you feel ashamed of yourself if you don't, because down the latter route a vicious circle of failure, shame, failure, shame spirals,if you see what I mean?

Finally, I find the Angry Chef blog really helpful in re framing my thinking about obesity. He writes in a really accessible way about the science and politics of food and exposes what absolute nonsense a lot of the world and the media in particular thinks and says about food -some of his older work exposing 'clean eating' for the junk science it is is enlightening and very funny for instance!

Good luck!

Sorry you've been struggling so much!

Is it worth investigating some mental health support? I've recently had some proper treatment for anxiety and it's made so much difference to my eating habits. It's honestly like my tastes have changed and now I want to eat healthy foods.

The mind is a powerful thing.

Thank you both for your replies. I do really want to lose weight, and I don’t want my current life issues to be a barrier to that, because my life isn’t going to get any easier,... I have tried, but it’s just the way my life is. I’m just struggling so much with:

1. my appetite (it’s huge) - I think partly due to the meds I’m on

1. my inability to not comfort-eat chocolate. The minute my mind lands on it, I crave it desperately and I don’t seem to be strong enough to resist.

There have been two occasions in the last three years when I’ve been able to maintain a healthy diet for any length of time. The first time, I paid for a few sessions with a nutritionist, and that encouraged me to start eating more healthily and showed me how to do it. I kept it up for a couple of months, lost about quarter of a stone, then it slipped. I can’t afford to see the nutritionist again.

The second time was last summer. I can’t remember what prompted me to start eating healthily, but it happened pretty much overnight and I just started eating less and eating way more healthily, and I lost almost a stone. I felt good, my energy levels were more stable etc... But I honestly can’t recall why this happened, what “clicked” into place for me that made me do that. The only thing I can think of is that at the time, I was building up to a big holiday (holiday of a lifetime), and having something amazing to look forward to cheered me up quite a lot and made me feel more happy and positive on a day-to-day level... anyway, that period of healthy eating lasted about 3 months, then I went on holiday, then I came home to a load of stress, and it all went to pot.

I don’t have much to look forward to now. Every day is the same, I can’t really make any plans due to Covid, my home life isn’t the most peaceful, there is low-level stress all the time (and often it becomes high level).

I do exercise - I manage a 30 minute dog-walk most days, and I do a fair bit of gardening and housework, maybe 30-90 minutes a day. So that’s not the issue. I think I’ve just sort of given up. I can’t find any compelling reason to sacrifice my small pleasures. I’m not depressed or anything, just kind of glum and listless. Feel like I’m not going anywhere...

My clothes also reflect my current state of being. I don’t have anything nice to wear, I’m just wearing old, badly-fitting charity shop clothes with holes in, etc.I can’t be bothered to even put makeup on or do my hair. I don’t see the point in buying nice clothes (even if I could afford it) as I’m too fat to look good in anything. I’ve just given up on myself.

Sorry to hear how stressful it is OP. I can empathise as I suffer from depression and anxiety on and off. Also, I found that when I was on ADs (fluoxetine) it was almost impossible to lose the weight. It made my appetite huge and it felt impossible to shift. I don’t take them anymore and even though I feel shit at times, I sort of prefer that to being on them. Appreciate that it’s not an option for all.

For me, lockdown reduced the stress at work a little for me and it has also been the first time in ages that I have been able to lose weight. I was three stone overweight at the beginning of it and have lost just over two stone now. I forced myself to eat at a calorie deficit (although it wasn’t a drastic one). Not having to go out and socialise helped me stay in control. I also forced myself to do 10,000 steps a day and got a Fitbit. Other than that, my rule was that I wouldn’t have any cheat days or binges. For some reason it worked and after a few weeks I no longer felt the urge to binge.

I also forced myself to confront some truths about my eating. I have little ability to regulate my intake instinctively and will overeat if I can. Therefore I have made peace with the fact that I will have to keep an eye on my weight and eating for life. Because my diet is not too restrictive, that seems doable.

I have also tried to learn to view food as fuel rather than something emotional. It’s not going to solve my problems and it just works to numb me rather than forcing me to confront stuff. I have had to learn to feel uncomfortable and even wretched and not reach for ice cream. It’s easier said than done and it’s still early days for me although I am almost four months in now. About six months ago I felt like you though and like there was no end in sight and I have managed to turn things around so there is hope that it can be done.

@Shedtheload thank you so much for your reply and congratulations on your achievement, that’s incredible!

“I have had to learn to feel uncomfortable and even wretched and not reach for ice cream.“

HOW did you learn this? Please tell me your secret 😂

At the moment, as desperate as I am to shed the pounds, I don’t feel I can do anything as I’m on meds for 3 weeks that make me tired and kind of depressed and my appetite is huge... my resilience is particularly low right now!

In the meantime, I have been trying to make sure I’m doing lots of exercise instead... but exercise makes me more tired and that just makes me want to eat more!

I feel so ashamed and so guilty for “letting myself” get so fat; at the same time I feel like it’s NOT my fault, I’ve had SO many factors working against me, it’s like trying to hold back the tide. But it’s getting me down so much now.

It’s like everything I’ve been through in the last few years is reflected in my physical appearance. And when people judge me on my looks, it feels like they have no appreciation for the physical and emotional traumas I’ve experienced. I’m carrying a lot of stuff around with me ... not just my weight.

I am going to see a psychologist, maybe that will help. I’ve had so much therapy already, but I think it was the wrong kind as it hasn’t helped one bit. Maybe this time will be different. Fingers crossed...

I could have written your post OP. I’m in the same boat. Not taking Covid into consideration, it’s been a horrible few years of stress culminating in the last 9 months with multiple bereavements and all sorts. I don’t have time for counselling which I think is badly needed. I just don’t have the bandwidth for eating healthy. It’s one of the plates I have stopped spinning. I just use food to give me some ‘me’ time.

I have no answer. But would love to get some advice too if you don’t mind me posting here. I too am fed up of being a big fat mess. I feel I’m wearing my stress publicly.

Hi OP. The thing is that there is no secret. I just realised that I was tired of feeling miserable about how I looked and I could see that the food I was eating to comfort me wasn’t comforting me at all and was actually making my life worse. I wanted to feel in control and food was making me lose control. I think it’s like giving up any addiction in that you will have numerous attempts before you finally do it. And as they say, success is never final and failure is never fatal. Part of my problem in the past was that if I slipped up on my diet even a tiny bit I would think it was ruined and would have an enormous binge. I need to realise that making a mistake isn’t the end of the world. There will probably be times in the future when I will slip up but I need to believe that food is something in my control, not something I am controlled by.

I think it’s so much more difficult when you’re on medication though. Could you speak to your doctor and see if there are any alternative meds that don’t have weight gain as a side effect? I tried counselling too but as it was through work I didn’t get a choice of counsellor. The one I had wasn’t professional and had huge issues with food herself and was extremely overweight. She ended up making me feel bad for letting my weight bother me. But if you could find someone who specialises in binge eating disorders I reckon that could help.

Hello op
You are not alone.
I am reading a lot around this subject
One book (recommended in here somewhere) called "delay don't deny" and another one about following thorough on things (I am a brilliant project starter/all or nothing type of person: not very good at consistency) which has had me thinking about sitting with the feeling of hunger/sadness for 10 minutes and getting used to it.

I like doing things in streaks: I get an app which rewards me for not breaking the chain: I had a massive Diet Coke habit and have not had any since 2019
I just don't drink it any more
Chocolate I accept is harder
I used to buy low cal hot choc sachets for the sweet choc fix but now I would rather have a small amount of decent choc

I am
Trying to eat more "mindfully" paying attention to each mouthful but combo of boarding school upbringing and twin babies mean I scarf food when it's hot quickly! Not as mindful to whether I am full or not.

In terms of stress, I too have little to look forward and my dh (main breadwinner) was made redundant so mine is medium level but constant since March 😢

Yes I was also going to say talk to doc about medication.

I'm so sorry you're struggling :( it really is hard to change your reaction to stress, I agree with a PP that it sounds like you could do with some mental health help and coping skills?

For me (I lost 6 stone a decade ago and kept it off) I decided I didn't want to be the fat one anymore and gave myself zero excuses. I have a pretty horrific past and I used this as a 'poor me' to let myself eat my sadness and stress away.

I learned about nutrition and started cooking from scratch, I now love food and I actually eat more now than I did when I was obese!

The biggest help you can give yourself is not to have chocolate in the house. Don't buy the crap food! And learn a new way of dealing with stress - I took up running and yoga.

You deserve to be happier and healthier, you can do it. :)