Hate myself!

[QueenOfOversharing]

I'm really low at the moment & my weight is the biggest influence in this (although I do have MH issues). I start changing my eating then give up. And I honestly hate myself right now. I just don't think I'll ever be a healthy weight again. I'm even too scared to weigh as last time I did I was horrified & I've definitely put on since then.

A couple of weeks ago, I started keto & felt like I was losing a bit of weight (though I realise water initially), then I just started to be more lax.

Today I feel really bloated & fat. What's ridiculous is that I know what I need to do, but I just bloody give up. I am not good doing food tracking / calorie counting as I get so stressed with it.

I don't know why I'm posting. I know nobody can do it for me. Maybe I just need a vent or something. Right now I feel like crying.

Today's food -

Coffee with cream
Dark chocolate

Boursin & crackers

Dolcelatte & crackers

Homemade beef stew w couscous.

I do not know your situation nor do I know factors that may be influencing your weight or motivations to be losing weight (beyond just looking nice in your opinion), but if you really find it unmanageable, I would speak to a doctor or therapist about it.

There is no shame in trying to get professional assistance, but please don't forget that you do not need to be paper thin to be beautiful. There are different reasons for weight fluctuations, bloating, etc. that may be completely out of your control. The best thing to do is just try and stay consistent with your eating habits and stay hydrated.

I hope your day improves and I am truly sorry you feel so bad.

Thank you @KarsOfficial I just feel like I should be able to do this. It's not rocket science, but I feel such a failure. Thank you for replying.

Please be kind to yourself. I am not saying it to be fluffy and nice but because I think it is the key to being healthy.
My advice to you is to ditch extreme diets completely and concentrate on seeing food as something that supports your body getting stronger. Don’t think about subtraction but make sure you are ADDING portions of fresh veg and fruit wherever you can. That’s just to support the real change which should be to move more. Again don’t think of doing anything extreme (this is hard because we all want immediate results to keep us motivated) but just move a bit more each day (well done for doing it NOT for seeing results on a scale). Each day MORE healthy food and more exercise. Eventually you will find yourself reaching for unhealthy food less because you don’t need it to boost your mood any more. Very very gradually you will lose weight. As you do consider always upping or changing the exercise so you might start doing a class or follow a work out online.
This is a very long term plan but it’s also totally sustainable and eventually actually fun. It will help your mental health too (to an extent - not a substitute for professional help) as the endorphins from working out can be wonderful once you get past the hating every second of it part. The key is avoiding being any kind of extreme.

@Hauskat thank you for your reply. I think that's key - it's the frustration with not getting quick results. I just feel really out of control. And so confused with what to eat, what's best and then I just go "fuck it"!

I think I need to sort my mood a bit but I guess I hope sorting my weight would do that. Oh ffs, I'm confusing myself just tying it.

There is so much baffling information out there it is really confusing. And lots of people are making lots of money out of that. It’s so hard to make good choices when you are hating your body. I really feel for you. It’s so easy to say ‘love your body for everything it does for you’ but that is so so hard to do. If you can start to see it as helpful to you and positive it will be easier but how you do that is a bit of a mystery. If you start with a bit of movement then that can give you some positive feed back, so rather than a number on the scale you can notice that you walked a bit further or congratulate yourself for taking the stairs when you had a choice. Try to shut out any thoughts that are saying you have failed!! They are the enemy. Consciously replace them with all the things you can do. And recognise that there will be bad days and weeks. Don’t look at the scale for at least the first month. And try to think of it as changing your attitude towards your body so that you don’t have to keep going on diets. It’s really really hard. Xxx

@Hauskat thanks again for such kind words. It's such a catch 22 with my mental health & my weight that this is what happens. Today is a new day, so I'm going to try the things you have suggested & try to ignore this negative self talk. Thank you. X

Of course Hauskat is right . BUT there are good positive ways of eating that encourage acceptance of your body and rely on changing habits NOT calorie counting or weighing of food etc etc.

I used Paul Mackenna 's I can Make You Thin Books CDs DVDs apps and they really work. (I hate the title though,I wanted to be slim not thin) and Iam !! also you can go off and on it , it's soooo easy! btw I'm not selling anything.

Sorry you are feeling low, agree that mh issues make everything worse. My Sister has just started on the Our Path plan and really likes it cause a lot of it is about mindset rather than just sticking to an eating plan. Do you do any exercise at all. Even walking can help a lot with mental health (I know the weather is crap at the moment), I really notice if I haven't been doing enough walking, not in terms of weight cause unfortunately my body is used to it, but certainly in terms of wellbeing. Try and be nice to yourself in whatever way works for you, everyone has different ideas about what they see as nurturing. I know it sounds superficial and I'm not suggesting that this is the key (that would be ridiculous), but I really believe that a new lipstick can work wonders.Take care

Thank you for your replies. I had a long chat yesterday & again today with a close friend. Not to drip feed, but didn't think it was worth mentioning - I'm 10 years sober, but food has become my crutch. I've definitely got an eating disorder, and I've tried OA. I just get myself into a state about my body, or other stresses then I hit this "fuck it button" and undo any healthy stuff I've done.

I'm going to try applying 12 step approach & just "keeping it in the day" - so tonight I'm in bed & I ate ok today. I gave away the "trigger foods" I'd bought so I didn't have them in the house. It's so weird feeling so out of control around food, and thinking back to when I first stopped drinking. It's making me so angry at myself, but you are all right - I need some good, positive, healthy stuff.

I actually bought new lipstick recently, but haven't worn it yet! It's a very bold shade.

Thank you everyone for your posts! It really helps to read more measured views.

It's great to get into the mindset of taking it every day. The thing is with Paul Mack. it gives you a crutch that isn't unhealthy!!! Just check it out. It's a form of hypnosis I suppose it's like giving up any addiction.

We do what suits us but it's worth getting positive assistance.

@ppeatfruit I will definitely give that a try. I have heard good things about his smoking books too. Thank you!

Great Don't hesitate to ask for support if you need it .

@ppeatfruit thank you so much!

Now I'm wondering what that deleted message was...

Mmmmnn !! Me too!!! Maybe it was someone trying to sell something. I didn't see it either [fgin]

Oh you're very welcome

I just noticed my fgrin] emoji was not used because I put GIN !!! Not the best thing for weight loss!!!!

Oh fgs !!!!!!!! My brain's foggy this morning !!!!!

@ppeatfruit hahaha! I never drank gin - smells like perfume, no idea how ppl enjoy it! (not jealous).

No me too, I haven't ever really drunk alc. I got a terrifying hangover once when I was in my teens and vowed it wasn't worth it and that's been it!!!! Dh has real problems with his weight and he just has a glass of wine every night, it doesn't help!!!!!!

I gave up 10.5 years ago. Hoped I'd lose a ton of weight. I didn't lol.

Oh annoying maybe you sort of made up for it with food !! Or you drank lots of fizzy caffienated drinks instead? which of course are high in the nasties! Even the 'diet' ones, are worse (I saw a programme on telly) it said that our bodies don't recognise the chemical sweeteners as food, so make us hungrier !!

I don't drink any fizzy drinks. It's all food. Especially CAKE

I'm a very emotional eater. Things are stressful & I reach for sugar in some form. I didn't do too badly today (very stressful!!!!) but didn't eat cake / chocolate!!

Congrats [fflowers] on that Queen I make my own healthy (low sugar) brownies and sometimes indulge in one. We try not to buy the normal ones. It's better than totally banning something because , of course, all that happens is that craving occurs!!!

How are you getting on with Paul Mack.?

Ah I understand exactly how you feel . I hit an all time low last May and I decided once and for all to rejoin for the hundred time a slimming class . I chose SW and to this day I have not looked back . It’s not easy by any means but everyday I eat lovely delicious meals and still have a treat . I know lots don’t agree with clubs but I have found this plan great. It’s all about the mindset though no matter what way you chose to go . I am a huge emotional eater so i do battle at times . I have lost over 2 stone and another stone to go . My sister has lost 2 also with another 3 to go . The leaders are very supportive and lovely .