Had enough

[FedUpFat]

I've name changed for this. This is almost certainly going to be a long self indulgent rant. I'm not really expecting anyone to read it or respond but I just need to get this out as its going round and round my head and driving me mad.
I'm 43 and currently weigh 13 stone. I'm a size 14-16. I feel fat and disgusting. None of my clothes fit properly. Its really hard to look or feel nice in anything. I have yoyo dieted the whole of my adult life. I have weighed as little as 9 stone and been a size 10, and as heavy as 14 stone as a size 18. I have tried every diet under the sun, including Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Rosemary Conley, Atkins, MyFitnessPal, Low carb, low fat, SlimFast, and the NoS diet. Every time I have lost weight successfully and then self sabotaged and put it back on. I weighed 11 1/2 stone last Easter and over the Summer have stuffed my face and am now back at 13 stone.
I feel ashamed of myself. Everyone always comments on how good you look when you lose weight, kindly meant I know, but when I inevitably put it back on again it just makes me feel crap.
I just feel like I can't do this anymore. Maybe I am destined to be fat. Maybe I should just give up caring and trying. Nothing ever works long term because there's something in my head that stops me from maintaining a sensible diet in the long term.
I am surrounded by friends and family who love and care about me (no matter what my size), I have a job I enjoy, a nice life, no real health issues (amazingly) and yet this one thing I cannot crack.
Its so simple for people to say 'eat less move more' or just follow this diet, but I'm saying that I cannot crack this. I'm so sick of being obsessed with food and constantly thinking about what I should and shouldn't eat. I just wish there was a way to end this madness.
I don't think there are any answers and I'm not expecting any, but its helped a little to write it down.

I'm so sick of being obsessed with food and constantly thinking about what I should and shouldn't eat. I just wish there was a way to end this madness.

Being obsessed is never a good thing.

But worth bearing in mind that most slim people do constantly thinking about what I should and shouldn't eat. They do "work at" staying slim. While it often becomes subconscious after a time, it's still always going to be necessary to be mindful over what is healthy to eat and what isn't - in what sort of amounts.

It sounds like you need a mindset change, rather than "a diet to follow".

How about thinking in terms of being healthy, rather than losing weight?

It then becomes a long term change rather than a short term fix - because surely you will always want to be healthy? So you could start with just making healthy choices in what you eat (and what the whole family eats, if you have children).

It doesn't matter what the scales say if you know you are eating only healthy food, in healthy portions, and no sugary, processed crap that us unhealthy.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really wasn't expecting anyone to bother as my post was an outpouring of self pity and also desperation. You make some very good points and I am going to consider this approach. Maybe I could just be a healthier version of myself and that would be OK. Every morning this week I have got up feeling disgusted with myself I would like to change that mindset.

Obviously namechange fail there but never mind.

I weighed 11 1/2 stone last Easter and over the Summer have stuffed my face and am now back at 13 stone. I feel ashamed of myself

See, 1 1/2 stone is nothing to me. It would take me 6-8 weeks of diligently healthy eating to lose 21lb

That said, I weighed 17 1/2 stone at Christmas and never felt ashamed of myself. I just liked chocolate, biscuits and doing nothing as much as possible I would certainly never use the word "disgusting" about myself. So it is a mindset thing. And maybe a self-confidence issue?

For what it's worth, I've just reached a 7 stone loss from 1st January and am now 10 1/2 stone. So it's certainly possible if you put your mind it it.

I don't follow any commercial diet. My aim on January was to "become healthy in 2018". That involves eating healthy food, in healthy amounts, which leads to weight loss. I also exercise (run) daily. 7 days a week I run. I don't do that to lose weight, I do it as part of my pledge to be healthy and being healthy means regular exercise as part of your daily routine.

Running in the fresh air, with the solitude and silence to let my mind wander, is slso great for my mental health - which also forms part of my pledge to get healthy.

Oh, and I'm taking the family with me on this journey. DH has lost 6 stone, mist of which came from just being carried by the change in food we were buying and eating. And we have 4 children (13, 12, 8 and 3) who all eat much more whole food and far, far less processed crap. And they are loving the types of food we eat now.

So do it!!

Start with a pledge to do a 45 minute walk every day (great if you have a dog, or can borrow one) and to no longer buy surgery sweet crap food. Just don't have it in the house.

I really love your mindset. I have lots of issues around food, self esteem, self confidence, and with the added fun of mild anxiety due to peri menopause. None of this helps because when I feel down I want to eat crap. Then I feel crap. On and on it goes. And none of it is necessary, as I said in my OP I have so much to be grateful for, yet this one thing gets to me.
Funnily enough I have been thinking about couch to 5k, even have the app on my phone, have I got my arse out of the door? Nope. I am my own worst enemy.
I would love to know more about how you've made such positive changes to your diet and lifestyle, if you don't mind sharing. I do really appreciate your advice and support.

The only explanation I can give is that I'm an "all or nothing" kind of person.

It's why I got so morbidly obese. I genuinely wasn't concerned by my size so if I wanted to eat all the chocolate, cakes or whatever and wallow in the luxury of doing absolutely nothing as much as possible - then that's exactly what I did with no thought of limiting myself.

But the same mentality has helped with getting healthy. I'm fully committed in every way. So this is no half-assed attempt, I don't eat "pretend" diet version of unhealthy food. I just don't eat the unhealthy stuff. I don't buy it, so it's not there, so I won't eat it.

I cook from scratch., don't buy anything processed. Eat 7-10 veg portions a day, 1-2 pulses portions (good for filling protein) and no more than 2 fruit portions (due to high sugar). I have low fat dairy and meats. I haven't cut out carbs but only eat wholegrain carbs (oats, rice, couscous etc) rather than anything processed (no pasta or bread) and in limited amounts unless I am exercising heavily.

I'm mindful of not wanting to brag or be smug here, that isn't my intention. But I've attached my progress up to the end of August.

I try to make every calorie "count". So carb calories as fuel for my running, or protein calories for muscle recovery. If I'm hungry I will aim to eat something as filling as possible for as few calories as possible.

Throughout this journey I've kept Sunday Dinner the same as always. My mum home makes us a proper pudding and it would be rude to refuse it. So we have pudding on a Sunday and all really savour it. Likewise Sunday dinner wouldn't be Sunday dinner without roast potatoes and Yorkshire pudding. So this is the only meal to include these in the week. But as a family, we all really enjoy and savour our Sunday roast as a result.

I'm not sure eat your add. Aside from get your trainers on and get out there! Week 1 of C25K involved 8 lots of running for only 60 seconds. You can do that! There's a support thread on the exercise board for people doing C25K. Nice and supportive place.

"I'm not sure what to add.." (that should have said. Autocorrect)

Thank you so much @FATEdestiny. Far from being smug, your posts have been most informative and helpful. I admire your determination and focus, I am just not sure I have that in me. I've done it in the past, at one point I lost almost 5 stone through diet and exercise, but I feel that I am rebelling against it right now.