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I am at my heaviest ever after coming off antidepressants, what to do...

StyleRookie · 07/01/2017 18:52

I'm 33, 5'3.

A brief history - I come from an overweight family, I was the fat girl at school. I was 10 stone before I was 10 years old, I was definitely over 13 stone when I was 13.

When I was 8 ish, I barely ate for a few months (I don't remember getting thin, or much else really). When I was 15 ish, I developed an eating disorder - I binged and purged a lot, and I think was about 9 and a half stone, by no means underweight or anything, but I was obviously not doing myself any favours.

I had treatment for a bit and was officially declared no longer bulimic after I packed some weight back on. Truth was I was still binge eating and still sometimes purging all through my late teens.

When I was a student, I kind of got into a different pattern - I ate more healthily than I did with my family (though still a good deal of student-style eating!) and I discovered nightclub dancing so I was actually a bit fitter for a while. I still binged and purged occasionally, but not as intense. Not sure what I weighed, but I was around a size 12-14 ish.

In my mid 20s, I got a bit bigger again - I tried Weight Watchers online a couple of times and lost a bit, but lost track after a month or so. I then joined a WW group and it was brilliant - for about 4 months I went and had steady losses and went from about 12.5 to 11.5 stone IIRC. Then, they changed the plan from calories and fat to ProPoints - it didn't work for me, I was sticking to it rigidly but still packing on weight. I was really confused and distressed, and my WW leader was saying I must be telling fibs about what I was eating if I wasn't losing on the new plan - at this stage I realised why people with eating disorders are advised to not join slimming clubs with unqualified people leading the show...

So I left WW - for a couple of years, I was hovering around 12.5 stone, size 14ish - some generous 12s fit me, some skimpy 14s didn't. I had clothes in sizes 14-16, and my size was pretty stable.

When I was 28, I found exercise that I loved. After a few months, I wanted to be better at it, and I was fed up of being overweight so I joined MFP - suddenly everything fell into place. I was tracking daily, losing steadily, I wasn't obsessed about it - I was the most relaxed about food I have ever been, I was enjoying it more than ever, yet I was still getting towards a healthier weight. I felt much more confident, I looked better, I was enjoying clothes, I didn't even think about binge eating or making myself sick... In this period, I went from 12st 7 to 10st 10 in around 6 months - I still had a few pounds until I was no longer "overweight" according to BMI, but I was on track. I was comfortably wearing size 12 clothes at this point, and had some in size 10 - my size 14s were baggy.

Then, about 3 years ago, something fairly bad in my life came to a head, and some other things were happening that also contributed to stress. Gradually, I put on a bit more weight - I stopped using MFP and stopped weighing myself. I was wearing 14s ish around this time. I tried to restart MFP a number of times but just couldn't stick to it.

Things got worse in life and then I was diagnosed with depression in December 2015 and I was put on sertraline. The GP saw my records about my eating disorder in my teens (which in reality had continued and covered half my life, but was never discussed), and she weighed me - I can't remember what I was though - 12 stone something maybe.

So for most of 2016 I was on antidepressants - I really wanted to get better so I focused on that more than my body - I tried to not worry too much about weight. I was eating reasonably ok, but still fairly frequent overeating. It was the first calendar year since 1998 (!) that I hadn't made myself sick, which I suppose is a plus. The upshot is I kept putting on weight, and by the summer none of my clothes would fit. I was now wearing size 16s and 18s (the latter are loose but were bought in desperation because I couldn't bear to look at anything fitted).

The one good thing is I have still been exercising several times a week while all this has been going on, so my legs are quite muscular if nothing else.

I got sick of being on medication (it gave me other unpleasant side effects) and I was beginning to feel a bit more stable, so I came off antidepressants around September. I also came off the pill around the same time, and haven't had a period since November...

I wanted to get back on track and look after my body again, so after a few false starts, I rejoined MFP last week. I didn't have any scales so was taking photos and stuff to keep track until I got round to buying some. I have managed a week of eating sensibly.

I finally bought some scales today - I weighed myself and they say I'm just over 15 stone. This has floored me, I feel all sorts of ashamed and upset and confused about it. I still have some clothes from a few years ago that I fit into, and I weighed about 12.5 stone then - I just don't understand how I'm 2.5 stone heavier. I knew I had gained, I would have guessed I was between 12.5 and 13, which I was mentally prepared for as that was roughly my starting point when I successfully lost weight a few years ago. But 15 just feels like such a massive mountain to climb - I have twice as much to lose and it's really stressed me out. Also I'm only 5'3, so 15 stone is a huge amount. When 13 years old and over 13 stone, and didn't do any exercise, I was huge. I didn't think I was that big now but now I feel like I have been a deluded idiot. I'm trying to not get upset about it but it's hard.

When I got down to under 11 stone I was weighing myself daily - I wasn't upset if I gained, I was very rational and knew that fluctuations were normal. I just felt more in tune with my body and seeing gradual change really motivated me.

I'm not sure what my question is... just putting it all out there so I can focus and maybe work it out! If anyone else has had a similar experience I'd love to know

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SSYMONDS · 09/01/2017 22:08

I don't have similar experience, but I wanted to say that you've managed your weight sensibly before and you can do it again. Mfp and weighing everyday seems the best combination for me too- and if you know what works, you're one step on the road.

Good luck - you sound great

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