It's raining in November, and I want to be slim

[rainyinnovember]

Please, please, PLEASE do not be negative or critical of me or my methods

Here we are.

I am not-quite 14 stone. I am also short. I need to lose 4 stone and this will put me in a healthy BMI (just! but it will do.)

I think like a lot of people my problems started young. I have always been a massive disappointment to my mum (she died when I was a teenager.) I had an older sister I never knew who died as a toddler and my parents had me and it was obvious I was a replacement (gave me the same name.) When I was very little it was quite nice because everyone made a fuss of me but as I grew older it became more contentious.

My mum was a very 'little' woman: petite build and very proud of the fact. I was always sturdier but not fat. But because everyone at home called me fat (all the time!) I couldn't escape from it. I learned to laugh and everyone saw me as this lovely happy girl with a great sense of fun and humour and actually I could and frequently do laugh at myself but sometimes it went beyond funny and was just nasty, you know? I still can't listen to that Oompa Loompa song from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory as my mum and brother used to sing it to me over and over.

Then my mum died and weirdly I did get very thin for a brief period because no one was breathing down my neck and also I wasn't eating meals. I was snacking but not eating properly. I met my now husband very young and I was actually still at school, he hates it when I mention that, but he was quite fit and active and so i was too.

I think I got fat after my baby and have out weight on and lost it and in that pattern because I get bored and eat, also I feel really genuinely deprived, like I am missing out on something great (!) when I don't eat. It actually makes me sad! I also feel like when I'm dieting all the time I'm not normal in some weird way.

I want to tell you all I want to be healthy but actually I don't care and I just want nice photographs of me and the children