Feeling useless

[eddiestobartsfart]

I've never posted before but I'm just sitting here feeling so rubbish I thought I'd give it a try and write down how I feel. I'm going to be completely honest....

I think I weigh about 21 stone. There, I said it, out loud (ish). I'm scared to get on the scales because then it will become real. I know I need to do something and all I think about is how I would feel so much better if I lost weight but I am just in a depressing circle of feeling rubbish so I just eat more. And more.

I wake up in the morning and my back hurts, I get in the shower and try and shave my legs but my back is so sore that I cant bend down far enough. I have no nice clothes to wear and just end up wearing my horrible black jeggings with a baggy top and then I go to work and feel like such a disgusting ugly frump.

My husband is really supportive, never makes any comments but just says he wants me to be happy. I know he worries about me and my health and that also makes me feel guilty. He's really into cooking and cooks lovely meals every night which are Slimmin World recipes. Its just me, I cant help but eat the wrong things as it makes me feel better - for about a minute and then I feel guilty and horrible and then I eat more.

My son is 5 and very challenging, he is autistic but basically he is very argumentative and cannot respond to demands. If I ask him to do something he will get very defensive and refuse so I have to make everything into a game - lets see who can clean their teeth the quickest etc. I love him so much but sometimes I feel like such a failure as a parent. He spits, hits and kicks me when he doesnt get his own way and nothing I / we seem to do will calm him down. We went to a childrens party yesterday and the disapproving looks from other parents made me feel like the most useless weak mother in the world.

I feel so out of control and so fed up with everything the only thing that I have control over is what I eat and I tend to do it in secret. Dh and ds go for a bath and I then tidy up but what I am really doing is stealing my sons chocolate buttons from the fridge and stuffing them down my face as quick as I can so I dont get caught. How dysfunctional is that!

I know I can do it, I've done it before and I know exactly what I need to do but I just feel so useless and rubbish and I'm just sitting here crying and feeling like I'm the worst mother / wife in the world. Theres a whole load of other stuff going on but I just feel like I need to be able to get some control over my body and then I'll feel better about myself and be able to deal with things in a less destructive way.

Maybe writing things down will help, reading it through again will help me to understand how destructive and self sabotaging I'm being.

Didn't want to read & run. A lot of us will recognise the feelings that you describe and certainly recognise the secret eating.

You know you have it in you, you just have to find that trigger that gets you started again.

One of my triggers is not being able to run around the indoor play centres or fit through the obstacles with my kids.

You can take charge, we're all here to cheer you on.

Oh, sweetheart. The first thing to know is that you are absolutely not alone. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and so sorry that things are so difficult for you at the moment. It sounds like you have a lovely DH to support you, but other things in your life are getting on top of you and making you feel rubbish

Two months ago I posted on here in absolutely despair. I had reached 22st13lb and was completely bereft of any motivation or positivity. A lot of what you have written is very resonant for me: the secret eating, the guilt, the feeling of control/loss of control. Since I reached rock bottom I've managed to lost 2st12 and am feeling much more motivated and positive.

For me what has worked is a VLCD, but this isn't for everyone. I am also now having some counselling - is this something you could access? I actually think the main things that have helped me are my very supportive GP (what is yours like? Do they offer any obesity services at your surgery?) and coming on here regularly to post and get support.

The fact that you have posted and are trying to get a handle on things is such a big step and you should be really proud of yourself. You sound like a fantastic mum with a lot on her plate - no wonder you have let yourself slip to the bottom of your priority list. Anyone giving you dirty looks is a small-minded person not worth a second thought.

Do you feel able to talk a bit more about how you got here? I am here to listen, if you would like :)

Hi Eddie, just wanted to say I understand how you feel. You're not alone in how you feel, I'm the same. I've gotten to my heaviest of nearly 18 stone. 3 years ago I had lost 4 stone and was fitter and happier than ever. Then I lost it all.

I've gotten to the point where now I know my weight is affecting my health. My knees hurt at times, and after working on my feet all day my ankles just ache under all the excess weight. I have to heave myself off the settee and its not a nice feeling

I'm going to start MFP again and do it really slowly, otherwise I'll burn out and stuff my face again.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're not alone and that it CAN be done!

Didthistomyself I remember your original thread and reading your updates on your losses, it was really inspirational! I'm glad that you're doing so well, please hand some of your motivation my way?

Eddie
I came onto this thread to tell you to find didthis as she is the person will understand you better than any of the rest of us.
She's here.
Read here thread and take heart.

Hi there, my DS is 4 and has dyspraxia and some similarly difficult behavioural issues to yours as he can't self-regulate emotions. It is very, very hard and I find it absolutely the hardest when he displays this behaviour in front of other parents. I'm just posting this to say you're not alone. I have had tendencies to use food to make myself feel better/because I feel I deserve it/because life is shit and I don't care what I do to my body etc, etc. I've recently given up sugar with the Sarah Wilson IQS plan and honestly it's been revelatory. You start off slowly so it's not cold turkey or anything, you just give it a go little by little and see how you feel. I haven't felt deprived because you eat high fat and you can also have wine. You don't necessarily lose weight straight away but it gives you much more control over your eating as you stop craving sugar. Whilst doing this, I've also realised that each time I put food in my mouth it's a simple choice, nothing more, nothing less. Not eating sweets, cakes and chocolate is not depriving myself, I'm not being good or bad, it's simply a choice about whether I want to be overweight or not. What is more important to me? This attitude, coupled with not eating sugar, seems to be working. I'm on holiday at the moment and had a couple of biscuits and a slice of cake in the first two days as I equated holiday with treats but then decided that actually I'm not going to make that choice as not being overweight is more important to me.

You mention in your post that gaining control is important to you - i have found that I feel much more in control not eating sugar, and that includes diet fizzy drinks (i was drinking gallons of diet coke before). I don't know if any of this helps and of course we are all different but just wanted to share my own experience.