The last few days have been horrible, on a personal level, for me. I went to the GP on Monday to have my implant changed and, as is the norm, had my vitals checked. All looked good, BP perfect, pulse rate acceptable....until I stood on the scales. This has been a battle of mine for many years and there is a bit of background into how I got in this state, so please indulge me in giving this background as it serves for therapy
Background: At 16 I met my now exBF. I was in care, in a massively vulnerable state and, looking back, he preyed on me. He was older, closer to 20, and what I deemed to be quite 'exciting' (he was a club DJ). When I met him I was a sports fanatic, played county level netball, recently qualified as a football ref and refereed for men's Sunday league, played tennis (only as a hobby of an evening). Because of my active lifestyle I was very slim, a size 8-10, and healthy. This all changed after just a few short months 
My ExBF became controlling and EA over the course of about 2 years, it was a very gradual process. He wasn't a fan of anything sporty and, in my need to make him love me, gave up everything to spend time with him. As you can imagine I was miserable and he made things worse with his behaviour. For example: we had been together about a year and we arranged to go out. He was playing in a club, he invited me along. I was so excited, I bought a new dress, spent hours getting myself looking lovely (the dress really was a luxury as I was an apprentice at the time). When it came to 6pm, the time he was due to pick me up, he didn't show. I phoned, he never answered, I paged (that's how long ago it was lol!) he never replied. I waited and waited, knowing his set started at 11pm. At 10pm he finally phoned, I asked where he was and he said he was setting up. I asked if he was going to come and get me he said no, he didn't really want me there. I was devastated and mortified. This was a regular event in the 1st couple of years, god only knows why I stayed with him for 11 years.
Well done for getting this far....
So, my new, inactive, lifestyle and new found love for comfort eating every time I was let down by my ex started to take it's toll on my body and, over the course of 2 years, I piled on 5 stone. My ex never let this lie, always made comments about how I was stunning when he met me, would buy me clothes in a size 12 to 'encourage' me to lose weight so I would fit in my lovely new clothes, for one birthday he bought me a slendertone. I was mortified.
When I broke free, 6 years ago, I managed to lose 3 stone. I felt happier in myself. I know, deep down, I've been aware it's been creeping back on but I have struggled to face up to it.
Monday I weighed in at 95kg 
possibly the heaviest I have EVER been. I am full of self loathing. I can't look at myself from the neck down, I can't remember the last time I bought clothes because I can't bear the thought of having to try the clothes on. I am disgusting, there's no 2 ways about it, I'm repulsive. My OH is the opposite of my ex, always tells me how beautiful I am and how much he fancies me but I simply don't believe him, how can he possibly find me attractive?? He would be shocked at the level of my self loathing, he really thinks I don't care about 'looks'.
So I need to change......but don't know where to start. I have become incredibly lazy, the idea of exercise is almost impossible. And I have taught myself to cook, however I cook good 'hearty' meals and I'm evil when I'm hungry so the idea of a diet scares me. I need to change, I just don't know how
There are details I have left out but not because I have something to hide, more because this could easily turn into a novel if I put it all in there so, if anyone cares, feel free to ask....I will answer anything honestly.