I just seem to let myself down

[Octopus37]

Hi, looking for a bit of advice or just looking to sound off. Know I need to get a grip and so much is dependent on my mood. I am a stone heavier than this time last year, although my weight then wasn't normal (grief). I am 5ft5 and 9st, know that doesn't sound that bad, but I am a small build and have a chubby bum, hips and tummy. Some of you are probably sick of me on here, have tried and failed lo carb twice and Paul McKenna which ended up making me eat more. I have just joined a gym (partly for mental health reasons), but what is the point if I cannot control my eating properly. Trying to eat more sensibly and will do ok (not well) for a couple of days but today have just wanted to eat and eat and eat. Feeling a bit fragile emotionally (in process of coming off AD's) and started off ok today. Ate the following:

Muesli (prob a bit more than three tablespoons but not loads)
Went to the gym this morning and also had work to do, horribly time strapped, late lunch was v hungry, so had (was actually only option didn't even have time to sit down and eat.
A steak and cheese roll from Greggs and an apple a bit later
Late on came home and ate a small Easter egg (I mean a proper egg not one chocolate)
Singapore Noodles for tea
4 Celebrations
Have just eaten the equivalent of another small Easter egg and a cupcake left from yesterday

Feel disgusted with myself and know I have underdone any good work I have done this week. I know I will get a flaming on here for my diet. I know I need to start measuring portion sizes when things are not pre-packed and what I have done today is partly self-sabotage. I am also trying to eat more healthily, soups, more salad (which I have actually enjoyed in the warmer weather), a less sugary breakfast as this makes a difference, but today I have well and truly fucked up. I don't understand why it is so hard to lose about 10 pounds. Also have put on weight quite quickly, was 8st 3 after lo carbing in October, went up to 8st8, was 8st12 after Christmas and it just seems to be getting worse . I can not allow my weight to go up anymore, which is why I don't get why I binge on sugar. Also I am one of these people who sees food as fun, wants to enjoy my food and not be starving all the time, sees food as a treat etc. Find it very hard not to overeat when I feel this emotional, reason for coming off AD's (I am doing this very gradually) is because I am wondering if these are contributing to my weight. Well done if you have got this far. Ii know tomorrow is a new day, wondering if Slimming World might be a good idea. Just really need to get a grip, have more control in other areas of my life honestly. Terrified that I am going to turn into a middle aged, fat, grumpy hormonal woman. Daren't even look up my TDE for calories as I know it will be really low. Any advice would be welcome. I will really aim to improve what I have eaten today as I am so embarrased seeing it written down what I have eaten.

Have you tried 5:2 ?
I do know how you feel, I lost lots of weight then put it all back over the last couple of years and ignored it for too long .. I originally lost the weight on 5:2 , and am now back on it as I know it works ..
5:2 thread here.. lots of friendly help and advice. Ive just rejoined to get back to what i was .. so why not come and lose with me! ( its no good beating yourself up about how you are now)

Unfortunately that is yet another diet I failed at. Thanks for the suggestion though. I know beating myself up isn't the answer, guess I need to take this one day at a time

Perhaps its just the doing it with someone else that helps sometimes.. ina group youre not allowed to beat yourself up .

There are low-carbing threads here also ..

What ever diet you choose its YOU that does it and you that makes the difference.. (of course you know that!! ) , but if you suceeded once on low carb then , my advice is not to chop and change if you know something works

..Slimming clubs have a bit of a reason to NOT help you to lose weight..(thats how their business model works) , But things like low carb and 5:2 are more about changing lifestyle, which ultimately is what works.

Why not try reading [[http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=escape+the+diet+trap&tag=mh0a9-21&index=stripbooks&hvadid=2978595351&hvqmt=p&hvbmt=bp&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_22g5pqlae7_p Escape the Diet Trap , by Dr John Briffa, (It was a revalation to me!)

sorry, heres a proper link Escape the Diet Trap

Stop Dieting. Dieting is causing you to overeat and binge because you feel bad when you eat something that you consider to be "bad".

Hmmmm.

Sounds to me like it's not the diet or the food that's tripping you up.
Sounds like it's your head sabotaging you.

Without getting all deep and meaningful, why do you not think that you deserve to be happier and healthier? What is it about that [thinner] person that makes you feel afraid?

Back again.

I was reading this, this morning (different context of letting myself down).
Does it ring any bells?

what LaiLoo said ^^.

You aren't failing, diets are - just like they do for the vast majority of people and the longer you spend trying the less effective they become. I'd also suggest that your body is pretty determined to be it's healthy weight (which may not be what you think it is). Focus on treating it well, eating great food (not processed carb and sugar filled crap like the food you list for today) and exercise - rather than trying to force it to fit an arbitrary number on the scales. If you do that then you will quickly look and feel much better.

Thank you for your nice replies and for not judging me. I think it is true about my head being the problem (did have an ed 20 years ago which I kow has left its legacy). I think that trying to eat well rather than dieting might be the answer, I know I have a fondness for junk, but I have recently been making some (not yesterday obviously) healthier choices) and cooking more myself. Luckily I dont mind exercise and I am not totally unfit, despite not being the weight I want to be. I will look up the links and I am generally focusing on trying to look and feel better, skin, clothes etc. Thanks again for not judging me.

HilarysMantelpiece, just watched your link, it is very interesting and does make sense. Will be looking at there website as well. Thanks again.

Glad you found it useful.
I like Marie Forleo, I found her while googling how to handle a repeatedly late client at work.
Good luck.

Octopus why not take a look at the Eating better thread, where the emphasis is on being kind to yourself and making small sustainable changes with food, no diets, no banning food, emphasis on health and feeling good, rather than restricting and losing weight (though this is happening just as a side effect for some posters).

I am now going to totally embarrass myself by saying that I started that thread in the first place, feel a bit too embarrassed to come back especially as I am now bigger but may brave it. Have eaten better today:

2 pieces of toast with almond butter
Eat humus and falafal salad
A Twirl bar
1 piece of toast with almond butter
Pot of Tesco Finest Chicken Soup