Day 1

[hydeparkhottie]

I do this all the time. I start a diet and by noon, I eat something I shouldn't and give up until 'tomorrow'.

I've done day 1 for the last 6 years. Today, I've made it to 4:05pm. I want the strength to continue.

I have a party tonight, where I will be the fattest woman by a factor of x2 to everyone. It'll be a glamorous party where I will be the token fat jolly friend with a 'pretty face'.

I want to be the beautiful woman I once was, who doesn't have to make jokes about herself to be liked. I want to be liked because of who I am, not what I am.

I am fat for a few reasons. Emotionally, I gave up being me when I realised I wasn't going to live the life I thought I was destined for. I thought if I worked hard, and played by the rules, life was going to be amazing for me. Instead, I realised that life owes no one anything.

... I owe it to myself to be happy. And so today, I want to end day 1 and go on to day 2. This is something I have never done before.

Your post in itself is inspiring. You absolutely can do it. It is hard when dreams don't come true....I could do with some of your new philosophy on life!

Hyde you CAN do it! I'm on week 3 and have had a fair few hiccups along the way but I've done it before and I know I'll do it again!

I think the real trick of leading a healthier lifestyle is to be in the right frame of mind. For years I just wanted to be "skinny" but didn't really want to work for it. It was like a switch like flicked on, a lightbulb moment when I decided that I was going to do it. I lost four stone over a year and for the first time I was confident and happy with myself. I didn't feel like "the fat one" and healthy eating and exercising just seemed to make sense.

Since then I've had DD and gained 3 and a half stone of the weight I lost

I've lost 8lbs so far because even though I've had days where I've binged and messed up, I've forgiven myself and remembered that one meal didn't make me fat, so why stop and sabotage myself when I can get past it instead? It is hard though, some days I just want to buy a tube of Pringles, dip and a big chocolate bar and sit and gorge but I'm trying to remember that that will only make me feel good while I'm doing it. After I'm going to be bigger and even more miserable.

I hope the rest of your day has gone great and that you're having a fabulous time at the party

PS - at least you have the pretty face, I don't even have that! (That's self deprecating humour right there, I find it easier to make fun of myself so that it doesn't hurt so much when others do it )

Hi Ladies! Thanks for the encouragement! It's super difficult.

I went to the glamorous evening event. I stood out like a sore thumb. I wanted to wear this beautiful blue sparkly dress, but felt too self conscious so wore black instead. I wore my hair big to compensate for my double chin. It's a habit I've nailed down lately.

I went with a friend, there was champagne, canapés, diamonds and a few unsavoury people who were trying to throw around their fancy lifestyles to mean they had clout. It made me realise that I turned to food for a few things. 1. It never lets me down. 2. I can predict the taste.

Acceptance and predictability must feature quite heavily in my psyche if that's why eating is my favourite go to habit. I must learn to navigate unpredictable situations in a more constructive manner.

I wonder how I'll manage this? Does anyone have any coping mechanisms?

jumblebee

the idea that we have had to make fun of ourselves before someone else does it--it's just so sad to me. It makes me want to dig into a cheesecake and cry a little bit.

Let's put it this way--pretty maybe the wrong word. I was fuck-able at least once.

I'm sure you're a total babe. xx

It's day two! It's day two!

I'm really excited about my morning coffee or tea. Haven't decided which to have. It's the little things.

I've realised since last night that I seem to have quite a few issues to resolve.

So, I know I mentioned the event last nightbut I haven't been honest about it. The event last night was significant because it was an event I found out about and attended that wasn't being pushed by any friend or my own family/husband. I ventured out on my own initiative to give it a go. I didn't go alone, I still went with friends and my sisterbut going to something like that was something I would never do normally. (despite wanting to).

I want to socialise more on my own (with friends along) but more directed by myself for myself. I want to do this because I want to expand my social circle and truly be me.

Before I turned into current me, I was a very social person. Admittedly, I was child free and had more time...but I still have a good amount of time that I can dedicate to myself. I didn't really have a hobby besides being out and hanging out doing random stuff with people. I may even venture out and go to the gym today.

It makes me sad that you didn't wear the blue dress, I bet you look stunning in it!

That reminds me of a time in high school, my mum bought me a black skirt from Dorothy Perkins which I loved. I never normally got clothes from there and thought it was such a trendy shop that all the cooler people shopped in. I put it on in the morning before school so many times but never had the confidence to actually wear it. Then one day I finally thought 'sod it I'm going to wear it!'

In one of my lessons we had to do role play in front of the entire class. Afterwards, a boy came up to me (he was a weedy little nerd, not exactly mr popular!) and said "you should never wear a skirt again". I was just and then It still upsets me now just thinking about it, how he must have been sniggering with his friends at how hideous I looked and obviously everyone must have thought so! Now though it makes me angry. If I was the person I am now I would have told him to sod off but instead I just stood there and said nothing. And I never wore the skirt again

I am the WORST person at making fun of myself. I know it's tiring for other people to hear, but sometimes I just can't help it. It's a coping mechanism, to show the people who are mean about me that I don't care. In fact I care a lot, it's quite sad

But on a happier note, you're on day 2! And day 2 will be good I completely understand what you mean about going out and socialising! I've never been a social butterfly but I don't initiate any social events, I'm always roped into them unwillingly. When I was slimmer I used to like getting dressed up and going out. Now the thought of getting dressed up (and still looking hideous!) makes me want to stay in and sit on the sofa all night watching tv instead!

jumblebee

I'm sorry you didn't wear that skirt more too! The blue dress is tucked back away in my closet. My husband picked it out for me to wear a week ago to my daughters 1st birthday. I ended up wearing a black and gold number instead. (last week). This week though, I'm swathed back in head to toe black. I despise wearing all black. I feel constantly depressed about it.

It's horrible how soo many people out there think that we're oblivious to the way we look...if it bothers them soo much to look at me, think of how shitty I feel for looking like this...

and yet, when I take a bite of something delicious I get to forget how I look, and focus on what I taste and that often gets me through those periods of daily torment.

I'm still on day two, and I look forward to venture to day three. You're a shining star of a motivator Jumble