When did I become a secret eater??

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

Not quite sure what to do with myself at the moment - burst into tears.....grab a black sack and throw out all the food....scream, shout and swear at myself??!

I have just sat and ate a whole easter egg to myself. I waited until DH had been in bed for about 5 minutes before getting it out of the kitchen. This isn't the first time I have done something like this. I had MacDonalds for dinner last friday when DH was out for the night - I told DH I had a sandwich. When I was shopping the other day I ate a treat size bag of peanut m&m's while walking along. I ate chocolate brazil nuts in the car on the way to and from work Friday and Saturday. I have been having tea and biscuits for breakfast this week.

Any advice? I really hate myself right now. I don't want my DH to touch me. I just want to curl up in the corner and never leave the house.............................................

Is it a recent thing? Was the secret MacDonalds the first time you lied about your secret eating? If so, what has changed in your life recently - are there new work or relationship stresses? What are you comforting yourself for? Is it anything to do with your husband?

I've eaten secretly since I was ten or so, and if it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel. I'm now on a VLCD and see a counsellor weekly, and while the diet is grim and monotonous, there are no corners for secret eating, which is a relief...

Life is stressful at the moment. I started a new job a few months ago. I now work evenings, so opposite hours to DH. I don't see much of him these days. Our weekends pass in a blur, especially now that we are trying to move house. I'm not home for dinner 4 nights a week and I no longer have any type of eating pattern.....I just seem to live on sugar!

I'm not sure why I didn't tell husband I got the MacDonalds on the way home. It was the first time I had out right lied (but not first time I have bought chocolate etc and eaten it in secret). I just didn't want him to think I was a greedy pig. Not that he has ever said anything about my size, or what I eat etc.....I suppose its the way I feel about myself, and I don't want there to be any chance of anyone else thinking that.

I suppose I feel completely overwhelmed by life at the moment. Work, trying to do lots to sell the house, feeling guilty for not playing with DD more......food is something that makes me feel better that is cheap and easy to fit into a busy life (in an ideal world I'd at least have a long soak in the bath every time I'd had a rough time, and a spa day every couple of months).

I need someone to take over a part of my life for me, preferably the food part. To plan and make my meals so that I don't even have to think about it - just sit down at the table. Can't afford anything like Diet Chef though. If he had more time I would ask DH to take control for a while, but he works 8-12hr days, then comes home and has DD while I am at work....

I'm getting out some black sacks tomorrow. All crappy food is being given to DH - I don't care if he takes it to work, or throws it all in the bin. I just need all chocolate etc in the house to be gone. I need to teach myself to eat properly again

Be kind to yourself, ColdFeet. Your life sounds enormously stressful, and you're self-medicating with food, whereas others might do it with drink. It sounds as if (along with general stress) it's the evening shifts at the new job, and not being home for dinner, that are spurring on the secret unhealthy eating. Are you letting yourself get too hungry at work and then bingeing? Can you get a meal at work, or at least bring something filling and protein-y with you, so you don't end up necking chocolate and fast food? In a more general way, are there other ways you can treat yourself that don't involve food? Can you plan the weekends better to have some time for a bath and the cinema, or seeing your husband?

coldfeet I know how you feel. And alpaca too; I tend to be in control or not in control, and food is the obvious one. I posted on here a week or so ago about waking up to myself and trying to put these habits behind me, and it was a comfort to know that I'm not alone.

coldfeet it sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment. Don't beat yourself up about what you have done already - better to focus on trying to kick the habit. I'm trying to do exactly what you said and teach myself to eat properly again. The last couple of weeks, I've done our food shopping online, so I'm not picking up unhealthy things on the way round. Would that help? Perhaps you also need to think about what you eat at certain times of the day - do you need a bigger but healthier lunch or evening meal to get you through the evening at work? Can you keep some healthier snacks in the car? I've also been conscious of the times that I have almost given in, but instead of buying the cakes, biscuits, etc I have put the equivalent money in a jar to spend on me. It doesn't add up to a fortune, but it is a good visual cue to keep up the better habits. Plus it is more visible than the weight loss, which is nice.

I think I've eaten in secret on and off since adolescence, but the thing that really resonated with me in the OP was the idea that you lie to your DH about eating and feel bad about that. I think I have been there. At points in life where I have felt powerless, I have used secret eating to exert power - in an 'I am doing this and nobody knows and nobody can stop me' sort of way. The trouble is, doing it makes me feel like I've lost control, rather than gained it. If you're feeling totally overwhelmed, perhaps you need friends and family to help you feel more in control of life and find some time (hard, I know) for you and DH.

I don't think its just missing the evening meals. I have ended up not having ANY proper meals most of the week - just grabbing food here and there. I'm not sure entirely why. I still make my DD breakfast and lunch before I go to work. But I don't eat with her. I don't want to eat first thing in the morning, so I end up just having tea. Sometimes I eat lunch with her, sometimes she eats lunch on her own while I do housework etc.

I cannot eat a meal at work. Work 5 hours so no breaks - no chance to even heat soup up in the microwave. We are allowed to eat at desks, but I can't eat anything more complex than a sandwich/cereal bar as I am trying to type away at the same time. I find myself having vending machine hot chocolates far too often. About 3 a shift, and 70 calories per cup.....

Trying to give myself a bit of a break this morning. I have woken up with a huge headache though. Had a lay in (thank you DD!). And apart from making a couple of phonecalls to estate agents, I have done nothing but play with DD.

I did have a small bowl of rice crispies this morning when DD ate her breakfast. I don't feel too hungry right now, but will try and eat a healthy lunch before I leave for work in 2 hours.

I'm sure half the time that I eat these days I am not actually hungry!!! I am either eating out of habit, or because I want the sugar to keep me going!!!

I guess I don't want DH to know exactly how bad my eating has got lately, because I don't want to admit to him that I am not coping. I don't like it - I should be able to handle everything.