Somebody please help me!!!

[kelper]

I need a bloody big kick up the arse, or something like it!!
This time 2 years ago i weighed 11st and looked quite good. I now weigh 14st and look bloody awful.
I exercise. I cycle quite a bit, and for quite long distances. I've started training for a 5k. I don't eat loads of crap, there is some crap involved though. And wine.
And the irritating thing is i know I'm sabotaging myself. I know i should be doing more and eating less. But i just have no motivation, and no willpower.
I'm on anti-ds; i had loads of blood tests done a couple of years ago but they all came back clear (mainly checking for hypothyroidism)
I hate myself; i hate how i look, how i can't fit into any of my clothes, but nothing is helping me motivate myself. I bought the paul mackenna book and cd the other week, and already I've stopped listening to it. I just can't keep myself going with anything. This includes housework, going out, the lot. My house isn't dirty but its bloody untidy, and i just can't bring myself to do anything.
Has anyone got any words of wisdom for me?
Should i go back to the doctors? I'm on 100mg of sirtraline at the moment, have been for about 2 years.

Umm, you sound depressed. And you are taking AD's. So something isn't working as it should. Yes, go back to GP and talk about changing what you are on now, but also about a longer term plan to get off AD's altogether. They can be amazing as a short term measure but (IMHO) for so many people they can become a problem when taken over years.

Thank you for your reply. Isn't it strange how many ways depression manifests itself? I think I'll ring the doctors in the morning.

- come back and tell is how you get on.

Or 'us' even!

Lol thank you, I shall :)

I once lost 3 stone. I did it my eating like a normal person, which mainly involved not hating myself every time I ate a cake - normal people eat cakes but don't punish themselves by eating another six

Hi OP. The Paul McKenna CDs are brilliant but you have to keep listening to them and following the four rules of eating.

Eat when you are truly hungry ( its amazing how good food tastes when you are genuinely hungry)
Eat whatever you truly want
Eat mindfully, in the moment and chew slowly and savour
Stop as soon as you are satisfied (not full)

How old are you?

fortyplus does that mean I'm not normal then? ;)

millydots ill be 35 in 10 days. My mum was really slim when i was a child, so around the age i am now, she is now rather overweight in her early 60s, following a hysterectomy at 45. I'm terrified of hitting the menopause and gaining loads of weight, but it still doesn't stop me self sabotaging.
I guess its changing habits built up over a lifetime: not being able to leave food on a plate probably being the main one.
I actually think I'm more worried about getting to 35 than i thought i was; i didn't mind turning 30, but 35 just bothers me.

What message were you given about your weight and your eating when you were a child?

And....turning 35 is lovely. You hopefully have many many years ahead of you....not turning 35 would be awful. I'm 53 and getting older gets better and better. There is the confidence in yourself for one thing and knowing who you are and accepting yourself.

thank you millydots :)
Oh food was an issue when i was younger, you weren't allowed to leave the table until you had cleared your plate (i have a very strong memory of sitting at the table for 3 hours refusing to eat liver. My mum swears it didn't happen) There wqasnt a lot of variety and i don't remember enjoying meals iyswim?
I went to see the doctor today, and wrote a list before i went. The little list turned into a 2 A4 page essay almost, but the doctor was really pleased I had done it; she said she would have never got all the info out of me otherwise.
So she's changed my anti-ds to fluxatine (?) but i have to start with the lowest dose (i was on the highest dose of sertraline before)
I'm having blood tests next week for thyroid issues, PCOS, diabetes and something else, and she's referred me for an ultrasound to check for fibroids etc.
She also wants to see me in a week to discuss other things on the list, but she says my issues aren't who i am, they're my depression talking.
She was really lovely, and writing things down really helped.
she's also going to refer me for counselling. Do i need shooting yet? :)

Sounds like you have a great GP there, well done for going with the list

kelper depends on your attitude to food - 'normal' people eat when they're hungry - food is fuel - every now and then they binge but don't give a hoot.
Problems arise for those of us who use food (especially sugar) as reward or comfort but then also punish ourselves by stuffing ourselves - we're bad people who doesn't deserve to be slim and attractive. Ring any bells?

kelper if the 'self sabotage'/emotional eating continues after the change in AD's and counselling then you will find loads of support here

Your weight is not the problem here, your depression is.

Depression is an illness that unless you tackle it head on, will spiral out of control.