Torn between embracing as I am or dieting.....

[Fattymcbatty]

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Although I am 5ft 2, 12st 7 and size 16 I sometimes don't dislike my body enough to get motivated to lose the three ish stone I need to to get into a healthy BMI range. I have moments where I think it's good to be comfortable in your own skin, to embrace your body and to not constantly strive for something else (a new body) and feel good about myself, and I have an equal number of moments where I want to diet, diet, diet to become a size 12. I have started exercising and try to make healthy choices so I'm not advocating being 'fat' (I believe fit and healthy comes in all shapes and sizes, as does being unhealthy).

The way I see it our bodies are just vehicles for us and so if I lose weight I'm not changing me, l'm just a healthier me.
yes there are unhealthy people with normal bmi eg smokers or people with terrible diets. However, factually having excess fat around your organs is doing you no good and you would be better off without it.
I will have to be ds's carer for life and so I need to be healthy.
I think overweight people can be just as beautiful, attractive etc as normal weight people and we should love ourselves. Doesn't mean you won't live longer without that fat.
I have recently lost weight and have now got a normal bmi. My face looks older, my clothes fit better, I am still bored with my job and ds is hard work... so not life changing, but hopefully I am healthier with less chance of obesity related illness.

I'm exactly the same and feel so torn. it's hard isn't it?
I'd really like to just accept myself as I am without constantly working toward's some ideal I don't really believe in..but then I get so tangled up in it all and feel uncomfy and flabby and the cycle starts again and the reality is I never get to my goal because I'm stuck moving backwards and forwards between these 2 ideas. I'm not even technically overweight which is stupid but because I can't really exercise Im flabby and untoned..I'm 5.2 and 9.4..I've managed to lose 3 pounds in the last month but I feel like I've had to work really hard for that and it feels a bit silly really.
I like the healthy choices and exercise idea but I'm a bit all or nothing about it I spose.

Hi, I was a big 16 for ages and weighed more than you do and I was happy with it but I ended up having to diet on doctors orders. I used my fitness pal and lost about 3 stone in 6 months but didn't feel any different or better about myself and hated dieting. I stopped and just decided to see what would happen and managed not to put any weight on for quite some time (am now pg but that's besides the point!) anyway, in theory I was supposed to lose more to get to a healthy bmi. I stopped at a bmi of about 27 which on me is an m and s 12. That feels like my natural size anything less would be too difficult to maintain. I'm just slightly taller than you.

I'd only diet for medical reasons or if I was really unhappy with myself and had an unhealthy lifestyle. It's hard to help you decide on that though.

You could look at it another way, being just a little bit over and not in the morbidly obese category was almost like a happy medium for me.

I have been wondering at what point in my life I just stop and eat what I like when I like. I've recently lost 2 stone and although I look better and get a shallow thrill from being a size 12 rather than a size 16, it's been a huge effort (I'm mid 40s) and I wonder when do I stop. Will I be dieting when I'm 50?

If you start making healthy choices, really tuning in to your body, eating mindfully (responding to hunger, recognising what foods work best for your body - and what doesn't) and also exercising, you shouldn't need to diet to lose weight and improve your health. We follow this philosophy on the Eating Better thread in Food section, come and take a look-it works!

I agree with feeling better when eating more healthily and weighing a sensible amount, but accept that if I want to be a stone lighter, I will have to eat less of my favourite foods, or much smaller (smaller than average) portions. I am a real foodie - not prepared to do this! Though I am in the healthy weight range.

I really understand where you're all coming from here. I'm only about 10lbs over my ideal weight. I'm in my mid 50s and am told I don't look bad for my age. But those 10 lbs are just the difference that makes one dress size a little bit on the tight size, and in some sops pushes me up into the next size. I know they're only numbers and sizes vary from shop to shop, but psychologically, to me it matters!
Some days I look at myself and think "You are fine as you are!" and others "You look dreadful".
We're all very hard on ourselves. OP is right, fit and healthy can come in many shapes and sizes. I think our "celebrity culture" has a lot to answer for. We don't need to be perfect. We are all lovely!

That was my problem with dieting! I know it didn't take long but it felt like an eternity at the time an i went a bit extreme to speed it up an at one point I remember thinking my life is going to be rubbish if I can never eat a sandwich again. I also went to a party had cake, pudding and champagne and spent all evening on the crosstrainer trying to get rid of the calories. That's not a good way to live. But 73kg is a lot better than 96 so that's what I shall try and stick at but I don't want to be dieting for the rest of my life.

lazurda it's interesting what you say about sometimes liking what you see in the mirror and other times not. Often it's actually something else making us feel unhappy/grouchy/uncomfortable rather than it really being about our reflection, it can be interesting to stop and consider if that is the case .

Interesting thread. I always seem to mentally striving for the ideal weight and steeling myself for the next attack on it and berating myself for not having the willpower.

It would be such a relief to just accept. I've lost a lot of weight in the past but it was exhausting to have to keep on and on with it and it drained a lot of joy from life. Yes I looked thinner but I was thinking about it all the time.

I suppose I have put it all back on but I just got sick of the relentless quest; I wonder if I'm just meant to be a bit heavier. No one recoils in horror at me, but the culture in which we live chips away at you with that nagging background voice that insists you should be Doing Something About It when your to do list is already overflowing in other areas.

It is a relentless quest to keep depriving and punishing your body to try and make it some arbitrary weight you have decided is the 'right' number. And dieting only makes it harder to reach and maintain the number because your body has it's own idea of a healthy weight and will fight your brain every inch of the way to stay there, adapting to be better and better at hanging on to fat in particular.

Having said that, there's a big difference between accepting your body as it is and saying to hell with it all and abusing it. The aim has to be to work with your body and food, finding the way of eating and exercising that really works for you and makes you feel good.

You are so right about both the relentless quest and its joy-draining effect! Also about the "arbitrary" weight we assign ourselves as our perfect weight. I just did my BMI calculation online and it came out at 22.7 - fine - but I am stuck in a mental groove that I need to lose 10 lbs.
Actually I am probably a bit more fixated on being a "size 12 bottom and size 14 top" - being an "upside down pear" shape.
And I also think my "ideal" weight was probably ideal for me about 15 years ago.
Sorry - this all sounds a bit me-me-me, but it does help to "say" it and chew ideas over with like minded people (pardon the food related pun).

No, I love all this, its why I became an Eating Psychology Coach!

One other thing on the acceptance, and your mention of wanting to be a weight that may have been 'right' for us when we were much younger and that we fixate on, is the idea of a Princess and Queen archetype. When we are in our teens and 20's, also into 30's, we are Princesses, there's a need for external positive affirmation that we are attractive, that we fit in, also a search for our own sense of style and identity (all very normal and fine).

Once we are in our late 30's however, we should hopefully be losing that neediness, becoming more comfortable in our skin and confident in ourselves, not feeling the pressure to match some societal ideal of attractiveness, constantly fighting to keep/get off 5-10lbs (or whatever) and not show signs of ageing. Being a Queen. That sense of comfort in your own skin, of confidence in your style, of knowing what is most important and enjoyable in life, is what is truly attractive and also the kind of example we need to be setting for younger women. I'm thinking of women like Helen Mirren, Emma Thompson, Helena Bonham Carter who are clearly healthy and beautiful but certainly don't exude any sense of desperation to cling onto youth or a weight that requires the 'relentless quest'.

Does any of that resonate?

It does resonate, and thanks for that - it's interesting and helpful. I think some of my insecurity is rooted in that loss of youth/ageing/becoming "invisible" to the opposite sex and to younger people, perhaps feeling I don't "matter". I think in a way I am coming to terms with all that, gradually. As was said further up the thread, what is important is really all the basics, like eating healthily as far as possible, getting some exercise, proper sleep etc. etc.

No problem Lazurda - and you absolutely do matter, the Queens (and Kings) are crucial to society, the centre of their families, loving and teaching those around them and in the world of work, also vital teachers and role models or even trail blazers .

lovableshoulder, you sound like you are sort of at peace with not being a stone lighter (or whatever you feel you 'should' be, even though you are a healthy weight) but still a bit like you are defending it and almost labelling yourself as 'greedy' when you call yourself a foodie. Its amazing the guilt we often attach to enjoying food when it is the most natural thing in the world!

If we can manage to give ourselves true permission to eat whatever we want, but do so mindfully, the truth is we usually don't eat as much - however much of a foodie you are (and I identify as one myself), the mouthful of food you eat after the point you are satisifed never tastes as good as the first . Slowing down and paying proper attention to eating can make a big difference to recognising that point and also to developing a taste for the 'healthy' foods that you wouldn't necessarily list among your favourites. Losing the diet mentality also means losing the two fingers we are often sticking up to someone/something when we overeat , there's nothing to rebel against any more and no need for the extremes of restricting or bingeing. Of course that doesn't mean we never over indulge again, its all a practice, but the less we make it a habit, the more likely we are to reach and stay at our healthy weight.

Sleep, you are quite right we have talked about similar on another thread, before I nc. I do think I'm greedy.

I also identify with looking acceptable one day then fat the next. If I have eaten too much that day and feel bloated, I tend to feel much less happy with my reflection. Two days later, after a couple of sensible days, it's all fine...though in my head of course I know I look exactly the same.