Constantly thinking about my weight and feel guilty when I eat

[Brewstersmillions]

I really do need to stop worrying but I can't stop thinking about my weight I constantly think about mostly first thing in morn and last thing at night . I keep saying to myself I'll be good and eat well today which I usually do and have got to a weight and size I feel happy at but when I eat something which isn't part of a healthy diet or my routine I feel so guilty :( I tend to enjoy myself at weekends but when Monday comes I have the guilt feeling

i. Im 30 currently weigh 11.13 am 5,7 I'm a size 12 top 14 bottom and would say slim but curvy I have also had 3 children
I've had a weight problem since I was very young . I was bullied all through school for being the "fat girl" was kicked and punched because of it .
Through seniors I was a size 18 but ended up loosing a dramatic amount of weight by the last year of seniors which made me a size 10 weighed 10 stone

After my first child at 19 I ate for England and went up to a size 22-24 and weighed 17 stone I felt awful and went to weightwatchers managed to loose 4stone stayed around 13 stone mark for about 3 years .
then had my 2nd child . I went up to 15 stone after having her felt awful again and was out one day I overheard a man say to his friend "fucking hell have you seen the size or that arse !"

I felt so ashamed I was in tears

From that day I said I'm going to loose weight . I had a goal to loose weight too as I had arranged my wedding I managed to get down to 11.7 was a size 12 and very happy
I then had my 3rd child ate healthy and only gained 1stone during pregnancy which came off after so I am now back to 11.13 and no matter what I do I cannot get past 11.10 I've plateued now

My daily diet has been a healthy cereal bar or yogurt for breakfast
1small jacket potato for lunch with a spoon of coleslaw and a apple
Dinner would be fajita wraps or something similar a small portion and lots of water

I exercise lots of walking and wii dance games too

So I know I'm doing all that right

I feel really good about myself when I stick to this I feel slim but weekends it find incredibly hard this weekend I have just eaten what I call normal food and I can already see I've put on weight as most mums know after having a few children you get what's called a apron I tend to gain weight on this area and i then have a muffin top I then have to try and loose again .

It's a viscous circle

I think I constantly worry about what I look like and my weight because of being bullied when I was younger and people being very judgmental when you are overweight I'm very paranoid

I still see the big fat ugly teenager when I look in the mirror not what I actually look like now
:(

Have you thought about having counselling? You went through a horrible time at school, being attacked and bullied. It sounds like this has really affected your self image and that this is causing you a lot of unhappiness. What about speaking to your GP about getting some help to deal with this?

People are so cruel. I was called fat from an early age. A particular memory that sticks in my mind as a 4 year old is when my mum gave my grandma my first ever school photo (bearing in mind I was 4). She sent it back. Said she didn't want it because I looked 'chubby' and as though I had been 'dragged through a hedge backwards'.

Looking back at that picture, I wasn't chubby at all. I was just a normal 4 year old! But that sticks in my mind.

I'm not making excuses but I honestly think that if I hadnt been pestered so much, day in, day out from a young age about my weight that maybe it wouldn't be such a problem. Maybe I wouldn't have felt compelled to comfort eat all of the crap that I possibly could have to make me feel better about the shitty remarks. Maybe I would have more confidence to go and work out at a gym or maybe just more confident in general.

Even when I lost 4 1/2 stone a lot of years ago I was still reminded that 'you'll put it all back on and more if you eat that' whilst tucking into the occasional treat of a chocolate biscuit. I became obsessed with walking. If I hadn't walked at least 5 miles during the day it wasnt unusual for me to set off walking at 10pm for the fact that I just couldn't sleep if I hadn't walke enough and I felt horrendously guilty.

I would walk 4 1/2 miles to work, work a 9-10 hour shift and walk back again!!
I think you would probably benefit from some counselling. I'm considering it too. You obviously have underlying issues (as do I) it's crap when people are calling you names and just generally being very nasty.

I had DD 9 months ago and have piled on loads of weight. If I go to see my gran she is always looking at my stomach area with discust, she doesn't say anything but she doesn't have to, her face says it all.