Why do I keep sabotaging myself?

[HelgatheHairy]

I had a long post written but deleted it.

Long story short, I'm overweight, have been for most of my life. The amount I'm overweight by varies from 1 -3 stone.

I can lose weight easily enough but after I've lost some (can be anything from 7 pounds up) I panic and start eating again. I have NO idea why I do this.

My mother has always been very slim and made me feel like a fat cow growing up. I remember when I was about 9, she tried to put control underwear on me but my little fat roll just moved up my stomach, she just sighed, shook her head and pulled them off again. She always made comments about how I might not be able to find clothes to fit in normal shops and would just have to wear whatever fit basically. She used to shop for me in the adult sections of shops not the childrens sections. I look back at photos and, while i wasn't tiny, I was NOT obese like she made me feel.

Even now I hate her commenting in even a positive way about my weight. We had a small family gathering for DDs christening. In the room were my mother, MIL and 2 of DHs aunts. I walked into the room and my mothers first comment was "You've lost weight, how much do you weigh now" I just said I wasn't sure even though I weight myself almost every day.

I'm 35 and DD is 7 months. I don't want to pass on my issues to her. I want her to have a mother who isn't always on a diet. The best success I've had has been with the 5:2 diet, I only stopped when I got pregnant. I think I'll start again next week.

I think I got lost in the middle of this post somewhere! I'm not even sure what I'm asking any more! I think I'm wondering if anyone has overcome having issues where although you want to lose weight, there's a mental block to doing it? How have you overcome it?

(Or am I mentally 15 and rebelling by refusing to lose weight to conform to what my mother wants!?)

That was still really long!

The short answer is yes, it sounds like when it comes to food you are still 15 and rebelling against your mum . Don't feel bad, it's very common! Recognising it is the first step to rewriting the script in your head.

Give up the words 'should' or 'have to' when it comes to your food choices and weight loss, think 'I could eat that cake, or I could eat a piece or two of dark chocolate' - try and be the grown up in making the decision, make the choice for you. Work on improving your self esteem so that you care for yourself properly. Live and look after yourself like the 'slimmed down' you would now, rather than waiting for the weight loss.

We also need to forgive our parents (some of us for much, much worse things than giving us a complex about our bodies), but if we hang on to resentment it only damages us further and prolongs that mental reaction to food and body. Maybe try and think that she was completely indoctrinated by the idea of slimness and knew no better but meant well? By removing the blame from her you will hopefully also take away the power that food has over you, it is then simply food, no more no less, it doesn't represent 2 fingers to your mum anymore!