Sabotaging myself. Why?

[GertyD]

So in the last two years I have lost 5 stone. I did have 2 and a half to go to get to top end of ideal weight, but I just find it so hard. I think I have gained another half stone again. My clothes are getting tighter anyway. I am completely unmotivated.
My wedding is in 9 weeks, I should be flying and right near goal now.
I completed a marathon last October and since then I have struggled. Now I am bigger and less fit than 4 months ago.
How do I stop the self sabotage? My wedding should be all the inspiration I need and somehow it is not.
My mother who is always 8st 7lbs, has always been slim and is exceptionally vain and thinks being skinny is everything, has now got down to 7st 12lbs, because "One of us should look good in our dress on the day" I think she is depressing me with comments like that and instead of making me not eat I eat shit - it may be emotional eating.
Sorry for rambling. Any one have any good advice?

I'm not sure I'll have too much wisdom for you - but I do sympathise.

Firstly, huge congratulations on loosing nearly 5 stone. That's amazing, seriously. It's something I've never managed.

I've struggled with my weight most of my adult life. When I got married I slimmed down and robed up and weighed around 11 stone (at 5ft 6) and I felt pretty good. My mother made many horrible remarks on my wedding day such as "it's a such a shame you're not thinner" or "you're hair looks such a mess" (I wore it down). Not one member of my family told me I looked remotely attractive on my wedding day and it really cut me. However, over the years I've realised that comments have been made all my life. My mother is not slim but not obsese but ever since I was a toddler shed made comments about food and diet. My father is a bit of a body fascist - makes comments constantly about how women look and if their even curvy he makes fun of them. I think all this has a huge effect on me - like a drip drip drip into my brain.

10 years on from my wedding I'm 3 stone heavier and quite unhappy with it. Both me and my sister have weight problems. I totally self sabotage. I have no idea why I do it. I think perhaps I need to prove to myself that I'm worthless and ugly (or something). Even somehow knowing this in my own amateur psychology way....is not enough to stop me. Sometimes I want to scream at myself.

As for advise, I think for you, the pressure of having you 'perfect' slim mother watching your every move is too much for you? Maybe you want to rebel and say a silent 'fuck you!'? Did you get lots of support and admiration for your initial weight loss?

If you find the answer let me know. I'm considering a gastric sleeve or something although I haven't told anyone. However this won't cure my headspace.

*toned up.

Hi! I lost 3 stone a couple of years ago after many yearsof self sabotage.

I found that the key was to think that I was beautiful and that loosing weight would make me even more so. Before this I just told myself I was fat and hideous but actually this is the opposite of motivating as you subconsciously just think "well sod it then" and eat anyway. So focus on the thin you rather than the fat you if that makes sense? Doesn't sound like your mum's helping on this score!

I also found loosing weight for my wedding hard as there's so much pressure on it. Try and keep motivation by imagining how good you'll look and how you'll show the people who've upset you in the past ( that sounds really bitter doesn't it!?, well it worked for me anyway)

You''ve done so well to loose all that weight! Focus on that and start thinking what a slender success you are.

Thank you for the replies. It does help.
I talked to DP last night, and he thinks my previous success was down to having a fitness goal (the marathon), rather than a physical one (the perfect body). He has encouraged me to weigh myself today. Go back to weight watchers, as that was working and sign up to a new challenge. Maybe he is right. He also reminded me that he thinks I am beautiful whatever my size

This battle is going to be a life long one.

Personally I don't see that a marathon is much of a way of losing weight in itself. Fitness is not the same as slimness. A bit of a run to boost the metabolism would be better imo, it is less extreme. Surely weight loss is 70 per cent nutritional or thereabouts? Plus, you seem to have fallen into the work-reward equation that dogs most of us and causes us to get fat. Ooh, I have done well, therefore I'll have a bit of chocolate/pig out. Easily done.