Okay, it is confession time

[TheOriginalFAB]

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I have issues with food.

I think I know why I have them but have never been able to keep my eating under control more than twice in my life, for longer than a few days.

I have just eaten a whole packet of biscuits plus two and nearly cried when I was eating the last one as I feel such a failure and now I feel yuk.

I am so crap. I am over weight. I am fat. I am useless. I am fighting myself really as the people I am sticking 2 fingers up too when I eat, don't see and wouldn't care if they did.

I know my genes are against me but that is no excuse.

I need help.

Fab the fact you know why is really good and the fact you feel able to stand up to them is really good. I just want to encourage you to get some help along the way. I know we are all on our own journeys and there really is no right and wrong way to deal with these issues, but if you feel you will be drained emotionally, I just hope you will get some real life support, if it would help.

I am only just begining to understand my own issues and still finding it totally hard to battle against them so maybe I need to take my own advice!

Whatever happens i do wish you all the very best, you are very brave and deserve to be free of this, you really do.

I've only skimmed this thread so apologies if i've missed the point, but based on your first post FAB and also one of LuckyC's comments can i recommend that you get hold of An End to Overeating by David Kessler. -An authoritative but accessible explanation of the kinds of processes (from your own neurochemistry to the sophisticated way food manufacturers exploit this neurochemistry and manipulate us) which are at work on us.

Just knowing some of these things may help to alleviate some of that terrible guilt and self-loathing to which we are prone. The last chapters also talk about some strategies for challenging these processes.

Good luck. I do understand something of what you are going through.

I feel I am going to share something huge and really hope I don't regret it. Probably be something small in everyone elses eyes .

I have seen 4 therapists. 2 were to assess me and never saw again. I feel I have so many issues, and have got really good about laughing them off and trying to be strong, that I can't get them out there. When I am having a good day, nothing bothers me. When not, lots do.

I am having anxiety led breathing problems right now just because the kids are starting a new school tomorrow and also as I have sent a message to someone and it could really blow up. It is something that needed to be said, and I don't regret doing it, just scared of the fall out.

Thanks for sharing Fab I really hope that the thing you have shared with someone will work out OK.

It seems sad you saw two therapists and then did not see them again, that doesn't seem to be very helpful for you. I hope if you do see soeone else they will end up being someone who can really help.

I am going to look into the book that Treeleaf recommended, it sounds like a good idea.

All the best to all. I am sure none of us have ALL the answers but maybe ALL of us have some of the answers, so I hope something that one of us says will be helpful to someone else.

Thank you.

My mother never wanted me. I guess that is coming back to haunt me when I was fine as a kid.

Fab I am so sorry to hear that.

I know that it is possible for people to over come very difficult childhoods, with help, so I really hope you will get whatever it is in real life to help you with these difficult emotions. I have no answers myself but I do feel sure there are answers out there. I don't want to be glib or make light of anything at all. I know these are very tough things. I just hope you will be able to access some help that will really move you forward.

I hope you do not mind but will say a prayer for you to get some help and move in the right direction. It is always tough when emotions and real things from the past come in, and the past can affect us still. It is also possible to break free from the past. As I say, I don't want to be glib, and I know lots of people struggle with issues from the past that manifest themselves through food and other stuff.

You are not alone.

Thinking of you.

I have been so used to hiding everything that has happened, and dealing with it in my own way, but since having kids...

It's totally up to you how you deal with it, of course. If it is not working for you how you feel then maybe finding a safe way to deal with and explore it would be good BUT I am not an expert, just an ordinary Mum. Go at your own pace and do try some of these books that others have suggested IF you feel they will help.

I can't buy any books until next month but I am definitely thinking I will get them. Thank you.

Fab, I'm on Mirtripzapine. I was convinced it was making me put on weight. I've not exactly been my ideal weight in a long time (ever since I was pushed into the depo injection but that's a whole other story!) but I've always been a size 14 in a kind of 14 is slightly too big but I'm more than a 12 way. Since I started on these tabs I've been ravenously hungry ALL THE TIME. Not just a bit peckish between meals but genuinely hungry like I need to eat now or I'm going to be sick.

My doctor actually laughed at me and told me not to be ridiculous, I left the surgery feeling stupid (I'd gone to ask about going back to Citalopram with a short supply of sleeping tabs for the nights they kept me awake and was put on these because they have a soporific effect). Next time I went back he said to me in a kindly grandad way "I didn't like to say but if you're putting on weight you do know it's just because you're eating too much right? these tablets don't cause weight gain". Armed with my new script I looked up the side effects, which I don't usually do because I'm one of these people with a tendency to end up with every side effect going if I know about them . Well guess what? I quote..."A very common side effect is increased appetite and will act more than 2 in 10 people"...

Antidepressants DO cause weight gain.

So I'm just browsing on here for inspiration, a week ago I went on a diet but haven't told anybody as I don't want the pressure. I've just cut the rubbish out and am taking a nightly brisk walk of about a mile and a half to two miles - which I'm pleased about because I thought at most it was one but I checked on the mileometre thing in the car and it's almost two). Good luck.

I have been told to stop taking amitryptaline and have lost weight. I had been able to lose a few pounds and then nothing. I find I am eating if I am hungry and not beating myself up about it. I look slimmer .

I got some from the library, (books on eating disorders, I mean) I only had to pay about 85p reservation fee for each book. Well done Fab.

Bottleofbeer well done on finding out the side effects of the meds.

I am sure none of us have ALL the answers but maybe ALL of us have some of the answers, so I hope something that one of us says will be helpful to someone else.

Wise words greyhound.

Hi bottle and thanks for the recommendation treeleaf

Fab I must say I am a huge believer in counselling. God I should so change my name before I say this sort of thing but after a suicide attempt when I was young I have had counselling on and off all my life. It helps, when the therapist is good, and does not help when the therapist is bad. I would so recommend it and I personally see it as a brave and good move. I try and practice saying it in exactly the same tone as I say 'I'm going to the Co-op'.

Thanks for sharing lucy I like the idea of saying it just like going to the Co op.

I have found it hard to be open. I have had job interviews ended abruptly, that were going well, because I have mentioned my past. I got sacked from a job as the mother (I was a nanny) found out I was in care. I have had mother's at the school gate stop talking to me once they discovered I had depression/had counselling. It is hard to be open. I am more open on here than in real life now.

Fab I guess it is a matter of figuring out who to be open with and when. There are times when it is better. It is not necessary to be open with everyone all the time. Sometimes it is just picking the right people and the right time. Certainly, on here is easier as we are all anonymous.

All the best to you as you work out the answers or find the answers/support you need.

I have learnt most of the time but also I have to weigh up what happens if they find out later. I haven't done anything wrong but I would feel I had if it came out later, they might wonder why I kept it from them.

Fab that sounds so tough. I completely get the feeling of stigma that comes with feeling like you have a past. I am also more open on MN cos of it being anonymous. Agree Italian, choose your moments to be open; but also understand why you WANT to be open and don't want to feel like you're hiding anything. People can be very judgmental but also I think that sometimes people come across as judgemental because they just don't know how to deal with stuff - so even if they want to support you, they might not know how. So it's about them but feels like it's about you?

What a balancing/juggling act for you, that must be so tough.

I feel my whole life is one long hiding everything existence.

Fab I know I have not had the experiences you have.

Maybe to some extend we all have things we want to keep private or 'hidden'. So maybe do not feel bad for keeping some bits of your life private. It is not all about hiding it is all about choosing what to reveal.

I feel I have to hide things as I have lost friends, potential friends and jobs when people have found things out. Usually that I have been in care and had depression.

That really is about the other people thought, it is not your fault you are not able to share more freely. If I told everyone every crazy thought that goes through my head I am sure no one would want to be friends with me. If you feel you nee help with getting the balance right I would say a GOOD councellor could help but I must emphasise I don't know about your personal situation so I am just offering suggestions, they may be of no use.

How are you feeling about the food issues. I am still struggling.

though not thought!

My food issues are AWOL. I am not entirely sure what has happened, as I haven't listened to my CD or read the book lately, but since seeing the GP, getting a diet sheet off him (just a list of what to eat often/moderately/rarely or never) I have stopped fighting with myself over food. I have lost a few pounds (still loads to go) but feel relaxed about food for the first time in a very long time, if at all. No idea what is going on really. I have also stopped one lot of meds but I don't know if that is relevant.

Fab that is FAB! I am so pleased, all the best. Remember you are WORTH IT. All the very best.