advice on helping DS2 to lose weight

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Hi,
Sorry, long post but I'd really appreciate MN help on this.

DS2 is 8 and he's getting quite big. He isn't very active unless coaxed, and loves his food.We eat fairly healthily, 5 a day every day, home cooked food, but he just eats rather a lot of it.

He had terrible digestion problems for first 4 years, was skeletal, underneath the 1st centile in weight and height, and on meds. I found it very hard, when he finally got an appetite after four years of begging him to force down tiny morsels, to start telling him to ease up. But he's getting more than plump now and he said something the other day which makes me think he's self conscious about it.

Last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable about his body. And I really don't want to make him go on a proper 'diet.' My sis was big and put on diets as a child and it really didn't work. She's dangerously overweight now and fills up with all the treats she wasn't allowed as a child.

Any advice on helping children lose weight, any tips on healthy packed lunches? The times I find trickiest are:
packed lunches - seems that apart from sandwiches and fruit all the extras are sugary or fatty.
After school. He's used to a treat - crisps or biscuits or cake. or sweets. I really need to break this habit.
After dinner he begs for puddings or helps himself. We only have fruit in at the moment and he's sulking big time.
Suppertime. Because he was so thin, and his brother is naturally skinny, the doctor suggested we add an extra meal. this really helped him build up to the right weight and height for his age, but we never dropped the habit, so he's used to cereal or rounds of toast and butter and milk and fruit last thing at night.

I know I'm useless at being strict in this. I had to spoon feed him to keep him alive for so long that it goes against my instinct to deprive him of food now, even though I can see he doesn't need it.

Thanks so much for any advice you can offer.

Don't don't don't put him on a DIET!! Please! However, it sounds like you need to start being the adult here and putting your foot down, if he begs for pudding offer him the fruit bowl or a petit filous or similar and that is that. If he sulks he sulks, he is an eight year old boy! Maybe cake/ice cream/whatever could be for dessert on sundays or something but healthy things the rest of the week.

Look at the kind of food you keep in the house. Don't have one rule for him and another for the rest of the family as he'll feel singled out. If you're eating biscuits, cakes, fatty, sugary "junk" foods etc but telling him not to then he's gonna be upset and he's going to find a way to get his hands on that food without you knowing. Make sure there's lots of healthy snacks around and just don't buy crisps and sweets. If it's not there then he can't eat it.

For his packed lunch as well as his sandwiches and fruit you could try yoghurts (actual yoghurts not the ones with loads of chocolate and sugary things in them), mixed dried fruit and nuts, popcorn (obv not toffee or sweet popcorn!), muesli bars (though watch out for sugar content), carrot and cucumber sticks, cherry tomatos etc.

I don't think suppertime is necessarily a bad idea but instead of sugary cereals make it cornflakes/muesli or similar. Instead of rounds of toast and butter make it 1 slic of wholemeal toast with flora spread, fruit and milk sounds like a great idea, perhaps semi skimmed if you drink full fat usually?

I would avoid using words like "treat" to describe cake etc. This is going to lead to him thinking that healthy eating is a chore or punishment and fatty foods are a reward. Try to get across that it's all just food however some things need to be eaten in smaller amounts. But don't mention weight, talk about health.

Try to get out and about with the whole family, a walk in the evening after tea, bike rides at the weekd, or trips to the park now it's getting sunnier, swimming, have him help you garden (if you garden!) or walk to the local shops/school if possible instead of driving etc.

Try to give him choices but limited ones so that he doesn't feel you're just telling him what to do, as he may just feel like rebelling. So don't just say "what would you like for pudding" as he'll probably say "CAKE!" but something like "Would you prefer baked apples or banana and yoghurt?" or something along those lines.

I can really appreciate that changing your mindset after such a distressing beginning. But try to think of it like, you had a responsibility to keep him a healthy weight then and you still do, that just means somthing slightly different now. Hope that helps, good luck :)

Wow that was really long, sorry!

Hi Nurse,

thanks so much for all that.

Your ideas are really helpful - like not calling certain foods treats, offering choices of healthy puddings and thinking along the lines of it still being my job to keep him a healthy weight, but in a different way. None of those would have occurred to me. It sounds ridiculous but even four years later I still feel emotional about how fragile and weak he was and am not as rational about this as I would otherwise be.

I think that's totally understandable. It must have been a really traumatic time for you. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for having looked after him so well and don't be too hard on yourself :)

The other thing is don't tell him to do things that you are not doing. So don't try and make him be active, be active with him.
He is 8. What does he like to do, what can you do with him?
The double whammy is that exercise burns fat but it also reduces the time children sit at home with food a few feet away.
It creates an interest that is not about eating and if engaged they really thriw themselves at it. Dies he walk to school, have a bike, do any activities.

If he was weak these are good thing for him anyway.

Dd is/was very weak with repeated respiratory problems. She swims three times a week now and is as fit as a butchers dog

Pag, that's true. I do need to get more active with him.

He does walk to and from school every day but it's only 10 minutes away. We have a trampoline and trapeze and swings that he uses but not for long, whereas his brother is on them for hours. He has a bike but for some reason hates using it and always complains when we go out on them. He does love walking. Every time we go for a long family walk he's happy and he loves climbing hills. So do I, so maybe we should do that more often.
He has negative buoyancy (means he can't float - his body sinks) Swimming teachers have said that he needs to be a very strong swimmer as he can't ever rest in the water. He's not great at swimming but we could go more often. Last time we went in January he swam a fair bit underwater and enjoyed it. That's great to hear about your DD, Pagwatch. It's an incentive. When he was tiny I used to take them out into playgrounds three times a day, whatever the weather, to build him up. he has terrible natural co-ordination, but got really good through practise. Then we moved house and he gained weight and I finally let myself relax about it all, stopped monitoring every minute, but I think I got far too relaxed.

I know what that is like. You deal with the most pressing issue , that is only natural, then something ekes springs up .

Does he have big problems with co-ordination. Is it borderline dyspraxia? Because feeling clumsy will make him reluctant to do stuff.

I have heard that martial arts are particularly fabulous for building both co-ordination and self esteem. And some places do parent and child classes

I'm going to sound like such a wimp. We all did martial arts together, but he hated it. So did I - I have terrible co-ordination too and neither he nor I could ever master a cartwheel which is an essential element, apparently. He got more and more reluctant to go as the others, including his brother, were all steaming ahead with their belts. I know this all sounds like excuses, and most of it is, but I really want to find something he enjoys. I spend so much time nagging and cajoling him to do stuff other kids long to do - like go for a bike ride. It makes it so difficult to keep the momentum up when he constantly plays up about exercise. I do have sympathy - i was always last to be picked at sport - and horribly self-conscious about my inability. Took until my 20s to get into fitness.

He does do sports after school one day a week and gymnastics at weekends, but they seem to spend an awful lot of time lining up and queuing for turns. It doesn't seem to raise their heartrate much!

No, you don't sound like a wimp!

Finding something he likes is important.

But tbh I am a bit at the classes you went to. My ds did some karate and he had mild dyspraxia but no cartwheels required. It helped him hugely even with his difficulties.

Could you sit down with him and goggle local sports clubs. He might like something different, like fencing or trampolining.

In the meantime could you get him a .... ...dog.

Even walking the dog twice a day would be great.

Please don't hate me

i totally agree with the O.Ps another thing to try is offer and all eat a plate of prettily presented fruit when he's really hungry;you get the benefit of the vitamins BEFORE a meal maybe let him choose it at the shops ....

research the paul mckenna way of eating something you could also ALL do it's so amazing 'cos it's not a diet just how we should eat (but most of us don't!). Good luck

ppeatfruit,

that's a good idea. I like the idea of getting him to come and choose fruit or other healthy foods at the shop. I tend to buy online, but trips to the market or fruit shop would be an great incentive.

I have a 12 year old who is getting a little bigger than he should be. Without him realising, I have reduced his portion size slightly, and he's going out running with his dad 3 times a week. My aim with DS is not for him to lose weight, but for him to grow into it as he gets older. He does realise that he's a bit chunky (he's rather bigger than his brother of the same age) but is happy to exercise more to sort it.

You could make your own ice lollies with sugar free squash or watered down fruit juice. My girls have always liked these as deserts, and they take while to eat too

I think a few things would really help without it really being a "diet"... also need to treat everyone the same including adults and siblings. Hard for me as I am begging DS1 to eat (he doesn't) whilst telling DD that she can't have seconds (she'd eat his)....

a) after school: need to break habit of sweets/crisps after school. Fruit or plain crackers only.

b) dinner/supper/tea should be one meal. My kids have this at 5.30pm-6pm... they know after this there is no more food until the morning. If dessert (there isn't always) is either fruit or yoghurt. A real treat desert for my kids would be those muller yoghurts with the chocolate balls, or a mini milk ice cream (maybe once a week?). If they want more food later they get plain toast or a rice cake.

c) sweets/crisps/chocolate should not be daily occurances - there is no nutritional value. They know I don't eat them.... Maybe nice to have if he goes to a party but I don't buy. Same with cakes/biscuits - occasional rather than daily. Maybe for the weekend? They are treats as they are for special occasions.

d) lunchboxes: extras - cheese (high in fat but at least nutrious), yoghurt, humzingers/raisin, plain crackers/rice cakes

e) Do exercise as a family find something he likes, and maybe football after school?

f) cereal - should be healthy - occasional box of cocopops is a treat.... but normal options shreddies, shredded wheat, wetabix, etc etc.

g) attiutude to food. I tell my kids we need food for exercise, but that some food gives us lots of important vitamins to keep up healthy (like meat, milk, pasta, eggs etc etc) and other food just tastes nice but doesn't give us vitamins so ok to have some but it shouldn't be everyday as our bodies don't need it to stay healthy.

[BTW I disagree about the flora on toast rather than butter... its still fat]

forever IMO a lot of us are intolerant to wheat (think of the amount consumed all the time) . I give different carbs like oats for breakfast and rye bread and whole rice in place of pasta, it's brill for weight loss.

Hello,

Does he have a DS? I find most 8 year olds LOVE running around with friends (football, "it", playing dinosaurs etc.). The ones who are allowed to play on their DS a lot, prefer to just sit with that bl%%dy thing in their hands for hours.

My boys (one who used to be quite chubby) have lots of exercise, I often let them run around with their friends for 30 minutes after school (weather permitting), they also swim (one lesson, and also once a week with me to just play in the water), do karate, football, and often just go to the park with a basketball, a football or their bikes. They probably do 1-2 hrs "exercise" a day. And I don't think that's a lot.

They are allowed 30 mins to 1 hour computergame time a day max.

Chandon - I need to change how we live to be more like your family. He does love DS. I limit it, but unless I'm actively supervising him, he slopes off quietly and plays on it more than he's supposed to.

Visitor, slightly reducing portions is a really great idea. He wouldn't notice, as I don't think it's hunger exactly, just love of food.

ppeat - that's interesting about wheat. I do try and limit it. We have rice or potatoes several nights a week, and cornflakes or rice krispies, no sugar added, semi-skimmed milk, in the mornings but he often asks for bagels or toast instead.

forever - thanks for all those suggestions. Sounds like you have a similar family to mine. One takes hours over the smallest meal because he's just not interested. the other gobbles it all up. Trying not to show a difference in how you treat them is difficult if they need very different guidance.

Yes good/interesting point about wheat. Even if not intolerant 2 or 3 times a day too much. Kingsmill now do an oat bread which would be good for sandwiches or toast? And of course porridge v healthy breakfast option if you can get him to eat it.

sorry if I sounded smug BTW, It's just that my youngest DS was always quite chubby, so i thought it may be relevant.

he started thinning out when we moved to the countryside 2 years ago, but i realise that is not an option for everybody.

I also have a very slim one, fussy, I buy full fat milk esp. for him.

Sainsbos and waitros do good rye bread (you wouldn't know the diff. between it and brown wheat bread esp. toasted) also you can get oatibix? My chubby 9 yr old just grew (literally) out of it!

The eating fast thing is addressed by paul mckenna he reckons you should chew each mouthful 20 times! That really works!!