I just wondered what other people do about friends trying to sabotage your weightloss.

[2stonetoloose]

I've been trying to loose a couple of stone as I'm so tired of being so overweight and not wearing the clothes I'd like.

I have very good friends (they genuinely are) but I think they feel a bit uneasy at the thought of me loosing weight. We are all in our forties so it's not jealous competition or anything. I went to visit one the other day and she kept encourageing me to have mince pies and brandy butter with her. I know that eating nice stuff is such a cosy sociable thing and I indulged with her even though I didn't really want to. I could just feel that if I didn't then she would have felt uneasy and guilty that she was being naughty/greedy and that I wasn't.

The same with another good friend the other day. We were at a nice tea shop and she said to me a couple of times "you are going to have some cake aren't you" so I did, because it made her feel better.

I love my friends dearly and they love me but I am aware that they all want us all to stay a bit overweight for some reason.

I've had a really shit couple of years and I really need to do this for myself but not if it makes other people feel threatened, though god knows why it should. I am very deffinately no spring chicken.

I read a good book once about dieting and the auther said that you should diet quietly and not tell people that you're trying to loose weight. I'm fine with that and I see the reasoning behind it but what excuse can I make when being offered fattening stuff ?

It's a bit suspicious isn't it ?

Please don't say that my freinds don't have my best interests at heart etc.......they do, but maybe it's human nature to want one of your friends to be 'the fat one' ? I'm just so tired of it being me.

Can you try to meet your friends at places other than eating establishments? Like go to the cinema or go for a walk with them to catch up? You could explain away the walk by saying you're trying to get more active. Or if they ask if you're going to have cake just say no just a hot drink - I ate before I came out so not that hungry. Do what makes YOU feel better, not them, when it comes to eating food and your weight.

Blimey dinky that was quick !

Yes we could go for walks etc but there's always a nice cafe involved ! We all love our food so much and cafes are so cosy etc. It's what we love doing.

I know what you mean. I'm sure it is subconscious, but it's very frustrating when friends/relatives do that. Or they make you feel guilty - if you won't have one, I won't.

What about asking them to help you out by no encouraging you to eat cake etc b4 you get to the cafe. Or just say firmly but nicely, "No, I'm going to be good this time."

They'll get used t it once they see you will stick to your guns. And anyone who won't eat cake if you won't will jjust have to get over it.

Good luck!

Well, you can either say "no, I really am trying to lose weight, I am perfectly happy with just a lovely cup of tea"

or

make up an excuse, such as

"I am really stuffed, had a huge breakfast, just couldn't fancy it right now".

You just need to be a tiny bit assertive. If your friends feel guilty for eating cake on their own then that is their problem, not yours.

I am sure they are not deliberately trying to sabotage your weightloss.

Absolutely don't tell anybody you are dieting. I entirely agree with that. That is what I am doing.

It is difficult covering for it sometimes. I tend to say something like I'm not hungry or I ate earlier.

Or have the least calorific thing going and ditch extras. Mince pie without cream (tell them you don't like it much). Don't have the full cream cake and have a toasted tea cake instead if you are in a cafe, that kind of thing.

I suspect that at this time of year people are either trying to get you to eat because they have prepared things and they don't want too much left over or they want to indulge and feel bad doing it by themselves. It is tough if you are the only one eating cake and the other person is nursing a cup of tea and watching you.

Failing that, eat what you like with them and be super careful for the rest of the day. One mince pie won't hurt you but I know how tough it is if you are going out every day or staying with somebody and there isn't the opportunity to cut back.

Or failing that, eat freely over Christmas and worry about it in the New Year. I am not saying stuff your face with anything you can lay your hands on but if you are offered something and you want it, have it and worry about the consequences in 2 weeks. I don't think your friends are deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts, they just want some company whilst they indulge but if you keep it to yourself they don't get the opportunity to sabotage things, even if it is unconsciously.

mmm yes, I think i've either got to not tell them and keep it secret which isn't really working and it makes me fee so decietful or I have to come clean and be assertive and then they should know not to try and tempt me.

In a way that option is easier because I don't have to pretend that I ate a huge lunch before I came etc etc. I hate lying.

I know that me openly being 'on a diet' makes them a bit nervous because they're so used to me being overweight and people don't like change do they.

I'm going to lunch soon with a couple of them and want to decide what stance to take.

Ive put on 5lbs in the last few weeks and it makes me so misserable. Yes I need to stand up for myself and not pretend to always be full. I need to do it for me and if they don't like it then that's their problem.

I know they'll be quite pleased if i fall off the wagon though and it's not a nice feeling. Human nature I suppose.

Just tell them you have a stomach upset at the moment so anything like mince pies or cake goes right thro you - that usually puts peolple off! lol

actually I would tell them that you are trying to lose weight and by guilt-forcing calories into your mouth they are making it very difficult for you

if they are great lovely friends they will understand

If you think they're sabotaging you now, wait until you've lost the 2 stone and are the odd one out for being svelte.

That's when the fun will really start.
< cynical >

I agree with dinky-have your met ups elesewhere.

All those cafe's and cakes are what got you overweight in the first place- and if the focus is off food as the main enjoyment so much the better.

I'm currently doing slimming world and have lost over a stone so far (at least one more to lose) and here are my thoughts:

1. Tell them you couldn't manage a whole cake but you'll go halves

1. Make healthy choices at a meal and eat loads of it so no-one notices (as you're still eating). Also, don't verbalise your thought processes and mither about what you want and if it's healthy etc. Just make a firm choice and don't discuss. This worked when I was early pregnant with booze: I had a glass of wine but just let it touch my lips. No-one noticed anything suspicious as I didn't draw attention to it.

1. Just say 'I'm OK thanks' and change the subject. It really does work.

Good luck.

I don't reckon they are sabotaging you (or not solely anyway) - they are probably doing what my MIL does which is seeking permission for herself to overeat by having a partner in crime. If we are out for a meal and I turn down dessert then she does. So she invests a lot of time in trying to persuade me because then she will be able to as well. Sadly I haven't found any way of dealing with it other than smiling sweetly and saying "No, thanks".

PS I am also doing slimming world and have lost 1 stone 9lbs - it is a very good plan for social occassions as it is very flexible.

i went to kfc ( and paid quite handsomely) with my inlaws today - £20

i had black coffee and made myself a chicken salad when i got home.

they felt uneasy about eating when i wasn't

but tough shit - i lost 4 stone and i like it that way.

if your friends ask you - say no, tell them you don't want to be fat anymore

then accept the " oh your not faaaaaat!" inevitable comment - and just firmly say no.

It depends very much how you want to do it, but it has to be the way you feel comfortable with, you've had a variety of strategies suggested. I was doing Slimming World but have switched to WW and lost 32lbs so far. Much as I'd love to just eat sensibly and lose weight, I can't so need the structure of WW or SW. The beauty is that you can do them without people realising you are dieting, which I've found vey handy.

One thing I've found in somewhere like Costa is having a skinny hot chocolate which people seem OK about eating cake beside me drinking this, I think they see it as naughty and this validates their cake choice. My Dad was down the other weekend and by planning ahead a bit we had a bit of cake with a cuppa and a takeaway and he didn't realise was dieting which I was pleased about.

One of my friends keeps telling me not to diet. It IS to do with feeling threatened imo.