Am I beyond help?

[HelpBeyond]

I have name changed, as I?m embarrassed!

I am overweight and always have been. I suppose I?m obese (I?m 5?5 and about 16 stone) but have lost three stone since I had my last dc last year. At the moment I have no heath issues related to my weight, although I?m aware that at my age (early thirties) this may not be the case for much longer. I do often feel slow and sluggish, with little energy, although I make myself do things even if I don?t feel like it. I work full-time in a demanding role, have two small children and run a home, so I?d like to think that I?m not lazy.

Obviously, I eat too much. I eat when I?m not hungry and make huge portions. But I don?t eat crap. I don?t fry things, I rarely eat crisps, chocolate or sweets and I don?t buy ready-rubbish: most of our meals are made from scratch. In other words, I know how to eat healthily, I just eat twice (?!?) as much as I should. I also do other stupid stuff ? I?ll have a sandwich before dinner, for example.

But this only accounts for part of my life. The only way to describe it (I?m sorry if this seems melodramatic or offends anyone) is like I?m a functioning alcoholic. I have times when I?m ?eating? (as described above) and times when I?m ?not eating?. However, because I?m overweight, my ?not eating? phases always take the form of a diet, not simply healthy, reasonable eating. I never starve myself (how do people manage that??) or do anything mad, it?s just a normal diet. I tend to count calories and this is how I?ve managed to lose some weight.

Despite this I fall down on a regular basis. I can?t resist temptation and see every kind of social event as an excuse to eat. On these occasions I also drink to excess, although I do not drink on a daily basis. Once this has happened I just think ?Well, ruined it now? and carry on noshing.

I suppose my major problem is that if I resist food (and to a lesser extent drink), I feel hard-done-by. A kind of teenage ?everyone else is doing it, why can?t I, it?s not fair? type experience. Bloody pathetic really, and of course NOT everyone else is eating/drink like I do.

I do not want to stop eating or drinking. I LOVE food! It?s fantastic and I love cooking/baking and feeding other people.

God, reading that back it sounds soooooooo feeble. Do I even have a problem at all, more than anyone else does? Maybe I?m just bloody weak-willed, but I DO want to do something about this. It just seems unhealthy to me, especially now I have kids. I?d like to be thinner and fitter but I don?t want to give up food and drink. I?m also upset by the disgust that being overweight seems to inspire in so many people at the moment. However, I can?t decide whether to say (to myself) ?F* you if my appearance is all you think about then I don?t want to know you or give a shit what you think anyway? or ?I could do something about this so-called prejudice and not be in the firing line?.

I don?t even know what I?m asking. Any advice? Am I weird? Am I beyond help?

P.S Sorry it?s so long. Thanks so much if you?ve waded through the whole thing!

Sorry about the random question marks, I guess that's what happens when you copy and paste from Word?

Hi Help, well done for losing 3 stone, that is brilliant.

Reading your OP, you work full time, have x2 small children and run your home - eating and drinking is so enjoyable (and recreational - your work hard FFS!) I agree I can't see any reason why any of us shouldn't have treats/meals out, and the problem seems to be like many of us is that you go off the boil after over-indulging (happens to me all the time!).

After the party/whatever perhaps plan the next day of eating regularly and healthily then it doesn't seem so difficult to do, something like a proteiny breakfast (really filling) mid morning snack, lunch, mid afternoon snack, evening meal.

Just noticed as well something you don't mention is exercise, although I can understand you barely have the time. Try and go for more walks at lunchtime/weekend/dvd at home?

You are more than welcome to join us on the 2010 Weight Loss Summer Slinkies thread, atm I am completely out of kilter/rountine and finding it difficult to get back into, and just got my holiday coming up. So I am expecting a gain to tackle when I get home - but I will get it off again!

Thanks GettinTrimmer. You're right, I think I am being a bit OTT and there isn't any reason why we shouldn't have treats. I also never plan my 'post-indulgence' days and this might make a real difference, so thanks for that.

Regarding exercise, I'll be totally honest and admit that I do NO exercise whatsoever, although I am on my feet for the majority of the working day. We're thinking about getting a Wii Fit, maybe that will help.

I'll definitely join the thread you mentioned. Have a fantastic holiday!

I love my food, I think I eat a helthy diet with 1 or 2 treats, I used to be able to cheat on WW and still lose!! I think only way for me to lose anything and keep eating stuff I like is to exercise, I actually like the gym when I get there its just going! 2 weeks and no weight loss Im quite impatient like u but I think writing your food down helps even though Im rubbish at it as Im probably kidding myself most of the time!!

Hello helpbeyond, you sound very much like me. I also have 2 young children, work in demanding job etc and feel like food is my only 'treat', my only 'me thing'. Love cooking and feeding others, I hate denial! I also have so much going on in my head- often think there is a little devil in there!
A really good book that has helped me understand all of those thought processes is "Eating Less" by Gillian Riley (you can get it on Amazon) In very plain language she explains that much of the talk that goes on in your head (will i wont I, f*ck it I'm going to eat it anyway)is really a way of justifying your addiction to food. I'm probably not explaining it very well but I just found what she had to say made complete sense.
If you are interested in how your mind works it might be a worthwhile read. If you are looking for support I could do with some also. Best wishes

You can be thinner and fitter without giving up food and drink.

You have to be KIND to yourself

I'm not going to spout a load of diet advice to you, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on WHY you over eat.

But until YOU decide and ONLY YOU that you will not sabotage your life and the lives of your children (because that could happen if you keep putting weight on) anymore nothing will change.

Stop letting food have that power over you.You can still enjoy delicious fresh food, you do not have to 'diet' and eat low fat this and zero sugar that.

But you have to get your relationship with food sorted in your head first IMO, and stop letting it control you.

Oh and over eating isn't treating yourself, its punishing your body.

AND (sorry keep adding things) 3 stone lost is amazing!

I'll definitely Amazon that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Cyb, I appreciate what you're saying (overeating being a punishment, not a treat) and I've always wondered why I feel the need for such quantities of food. One chicken fajita isn't enough, I want two with all the trimmings. Otherwise I don't feel satisfied. I can't explain it any better than that.

this clip from oprah (love Oprah!) is a bit schmaltzy but talks about rating your 'fullness' and hunger on a scale to help you eat less

It's interesting really, isn't it? I've spent so much time filling my face that being at 5 (satisfied) feels 'empty' to me. And it's not just to do with your stomach shrinking, I feel the same way a month or so into a diet. The only difference is that sometimes I have the willpower to ignore it and sometimes I don't

Interesting comment about feeling unsatisfied even when you are full of food- this is talked about in the book I recommended.

No doubt that obesity has become the new smoking (if that makes sense) I feel ashamed that I have let myself get this way when in all other areas of my life I am a 'good citizen'. Starting to feel like a pariah. Like you part of me says 'f*ck off i'll do what I bloody well want' Not language I would use in my life normally, it's almost toddler behaviour. Of course it's my self esteem that suffers the most and the disappointment with myself for not sticking to things. I've almost convinced myself I can't do it. Sorry for the rant. Any tips for focussing my mind graetly appreciated

HelpBeyond, there is some evidence that eating fatty foods follows the same sort of pattern as an addiction, that you start small and before you know it you are adding mayonnaise and sour cream to everything! I find I get a bit like this, that if I get a sandwich in a cafe I will want the one with all the coleslaw, even though, the sandwich itelf will taste very bland. Every now and then I start WeighWatchers which does penalise you for fatty foods, so I automatically eat less fat and lo and behold, when I eat less of it, I crave less of it.

I do think the thing to remember is that when you fall off the wagon, you have not "blown it". Think about it, 3000 calories is only one pounds worth so to completely blow it you would have to eat a whole lot more than just an occasional bad day. I have bad days all the time on WW and still manage to lose weight. When I did Rosemary Conley years ago, there was a "Binge Corrector Menu" which was very little food indeed but after I had done it, I always felt that I had "undone" the bad day and was therefore able to move on. Tbh, I wouldn't necessarily advocate that particular menu as it was very miserable but perhaps you could devise a really low-cal eating plan for your "day after the binge" which would enable you to feel you could carry on the path of righteousness!

Chipmonkey, you're right about the negative mindset that goes along with my 'blowing it' days. I should remind myself of that, although I think that sometimes I use it as an excuse to carry on eating and just sabotage myself. I'm certainly my own worst enemy.

Although I don't eat much in the way of fatty foods, I can also see what you mean regarding eating less/craving less as I do something similar with salt (which I LOVE). If I cut down I do want less. Eventually!

HelpBeyond, I've just read through this and I don't think you sounds beyond help at all - I think you sound pretty overworked. I'm not that great at the weight/psychology stuff but what it seems to me is that if you could reconfigure your idea of 'treats' then you might find weight loss a bit easier. If treats equal food to you then yes, you're going to over eat because it sounds like you do need some kind of break/reward for all that life is demanding of you.

For example, could you give yourself a deep bath with smelly stuff instead of wine/crisps/extra lamb casserole? Could you buy a good magazine and make time to read it rather than getting a chocolate bar?

It doesn't sound to me like you need to give up eating and drinking, more that you just need to do them to the right amount . Slim people can eat and drink with friends and you can be one of those people.

Do you think that the tiredness might be to do with the booze? I'm on a diet and I'm feeling quite a lot more energized which I'd put down to weight loss but DH pointed out that it was more likely to do with me cutting out alcohol and so getting a better night's sleep.

(Hope this doesn't sound preachy! I've still got 17lbs to go )

HelpBeyond - I've had problems losing weight too. Like you, I had put loads on, and succeeded in losing quite a lot after my dcs. Howver, I'm finding it hard to keep it off. I've just been trying to think about why it's so hard.
The trouble is (imho) that the motivating thoughts (e.g. 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels') may be very true, but they do not give 'instant' satisfaction in the way that, say, a packet of crisps does. With a choice between 'Be skinny in 2 years time when I've managed to eat healthily and exercise for all that time' and 'eat those crisps right now', it's simply too hard to go for the long-term good choice every time you're tempted. That's why I think LemonDifficult's idea of treating yourself with other things is so good. Also, learning to really pat yourself on the back every time you succeed in resisting that bar of chocolate/ ice cream etc., particularly wwhen you know you're not hungry.
If it's any help, the three things which really helped me lose weight after having my dc were 1) fear 2) rules and 3) exercise. The fear was due to my being diagnosed with high bp and being scared I was about to drop dead at any minute (OTT, I know!). The rules I decided on were chosen to tackle my particular food weaknesses - eat only a half to two thirds of dh's portion size, no cheese or butter at all, cut down on salt, drink plenty of water etc. I found that if you stick to your chosen rules, you can allow yourself other food treats occasionally without felling too bad about it!
The exercise is running. I was completely incapable of running for one minute when I started and am now training for a 10k. I still weigh more than I want to, but am trying to get back on track.
Sorry, long post .

I sometimes wonder if Beyond Help should be my name. I have been well into the red zone on the bmi chart for several years. It has got to the point that I try to avoid having my photo taken if at all possible, or at least avoid looking at the picture. It is now affecting not only my ability to physically do the things I want, but I had a horrible emotional experience recently.

I went out with a group of people, and was enjoying myself in their company. However, we ended up in a Salsa bar, and we all got pulled into a ´lesson´. I struggled to keep up with the pace, and hid myself at the back of the room. I was taking photos (I find if I am the one taking the pics, I´m not IN them!), but someone insisted on taking my picture. I made the mistake of looking at it, and was horrified. It spoilt the rest of my evening, and the rest of my week. I couldn´t go anywhere without being obsessed with the idea that everyone is looking at me, judging me and mocking me.

However, each time I try to control my eating habits, I self sabotage. It´s like a battle in my head; "no, no I must control myself, I´m fat, I want to be thin...but I really, really want that marmite on toast/salt and vinegar crisps/cheese sandwich...bugger it, I'll start the diet tomorrow."

I am struggling finantially at the moment, and although I'd love to go to a diet group like weight watchers or slimming world I just know I can't afford it at the moment. I just want to change my mindset, because I know more or less what I should be eating, but it's all psycological.

LemonDifficult and Goldberry - You're right, I need to redefine my idea of 'treats'. I often wish I had a hobby (that didn't involve cooking or reading, neither are good for the figure!) that I could really get involved in, but yet again I make excuses - work, the kids/babysitters, money, and of course time.

With the drinking, I'm certainly a binge drinker, although not a regular one. I never drink in the week (too much going on for even a glass!) and when I do drink it tends to be every fortnight or so, for one night. So it certainly accounts for tiredness the next day, but I'm not sure I could blame it for the rest of the time!

Goldberry, congratulations on your running, what an achievement! It must give you real satisfaction to have come so far.

Salizchap, I do similar things. I'd rather not get too involved in physical stuff where people might notice me and do the 'tomorrow I'll start the diet' too, although mine is sometimes Monday. After all, what's the point in starting on a Friday?!?

I'm really no craft queen but... Have you thought about knitting? Or quilting? Or embroidery? I know that these things might not be everyone's thing but it's impossible to eat much while you're doing them and they are very restful.

If you don't fancy craft then jigsaws do the same thing - quite mediative because they are so absorbing and would give you a bit of a break.

I realise this is a side-issue from the eating but I do think you're right about needing to switch focus.

Hey, but I have splashed out on ´the Bollywood Dance Workout´ DVD. Anyone wanna join in?