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Weight loss chat

A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Original poster

would you lose weight for your partner...

28 replies

confusedabouthim · 13/07/2010 13:23

or expect him to just accept you the way you are?

what if you are happy the way you are but can really see that he wants you to be slim. is it antifeminist to try and lose weight to please a man, or is it ok when it is your man?

OP posts:
Goober · 13/07/2010 13:25

N O !

I would not, nor would he expect me too.

ickledee · 13/07/2010 13:28

You have to want to lose weight for yourself more than anything. I am gaining quite a bit of weight in my pregnancy and worried as I'm a bridesmaid in a stupid tight fitting dress not long after. I'm anxious about losing the weight afterwards but my husband told me that I've got to look after our baby and myself first and not think about my weight unless I'm really miserable as it's 9 months up and 9 months back down roughly! x

Original poster
confusedabouthim · 13/07/2010 13:31

what if he expects you too, what if you can see that he doesnt fancy you as much with the weight gain. would you just suck it up and try and lose the weight for the sake of the relationship?

OP posts:
Joby1970 · 13/07/2010 13:35

It does seem controlling. However if he's worried about your health.

cakeywakey · 13/07/2010 13:35

If it's just for 'cosmetic' reasons then no. I would only ever (and have only ever) lost weight for myself. I love DH for who he is, not for the size or shape he is, and he feels the same about me.

Having said that, if my weight was putting my health at serious risk it would be different, as then he would want me to lose weight for a good reason because he cares for me.

Hmmm, depends on the situation and reasoning behind it.

ViveLaFrak · 13/07/2010 13:37

Will probably be flamed for this but possibly yes, within reason, if it was important for the relationship - not because of the relationship but for what the weight gain signified IYSWIM. For me weight gain (if it's not for pregnancy or due to some kind of medical issue) is a sign that I'm not taking care of myself, I feel more tired, I don't feel as confident and in short my weight affects the way I feel about myself which would probably have a negative effect on our relationship.

I wouldn't if it was just that he wanted me to be a Barbie Doll.

If I was genuinely happy with my weight then my weight shouldn't be affecting the relationship and there's no need to change.

What would please DH about my losing weight? I mean, seriously I'm never going to look like a model!

moomaa · 13/07/2010 13:38

I would, and I will after I've had this baby and a bit of a rest! In all other respects my DH is lovely but this is important to him, and so it is to me. I am fully aware that it is shallow and not very nice of him.

When we were on holiday I was looking at all these people in their swim suits and there were so many couples in the 35-45 bracket where one had ended up significantly more attractive than the other and I don't want that to be us. True, they may have been cases where love is blind but as a rule I think people get together with someone else who is 'equal' to them in the looks stakes.

MrsRhettButler · 13/07/2010 13:43

well if my dp got out of shape, i mean really out of shape, i would still love him but i may not be as attracted to him sexually as i was before... in which case wouldn't he want to do something about it as he would obviously prefer it if i found him sexy and nice to look at?

MrsRhettButler · 13/07/2010 13:45

i don't think its controlling or 'not very nice of him' at all, he is being honest

as long as he isn't being mean to you or insisting that you do something.

or calling you fatty...

sorky · 13/07/2010 13:48

It depends.

If you're obviously overweight, not just a couple of pounds etc, then I wouldn't be offended. But there again, he would never ask.

I'd have lost the weight before he ever asked tbh.

Original poster
confusedabouthim · 13/07/2010 13:49

no he has never been mean or horrible about it. but there was a period i was losing alot of weight and he told me how happy and pleased it made him, then i started gaining weight again and stopped exercising and he kept quiet about it. but i know from the outpourings that came out last year during that weight loss period, that he found me more attractive the more weight i lost. i would really love to hear what you all think.

OP posts:
duplotogo · 13/07/2010 13:50

Maybe but it depends how much really. I have a beautiful friend, she was naturally curvy size 14, her boyf was not keen, she is now size 10 but her boyf went off with someone else anyway.

I have been sizes 12 to 18 and everything in between and my DH still fancies me because he sees ME although I know he prefers me not to go over a 16 in terms of my shape, but then so do I.

MrsRhettButler · 13/07/2010 13:51

are you happy the way you are? even if it means that he does not find you so attractive?

duplotogo · 13/07/2010 13:52

x-posted with you confused. I think that's OK then as he is being nice anyway, it is fair enough if he finds you more attractive at a certain size although I would worry if he only fancied you when you are stick-thin.

Are you sure you are right about this though? He might just have been encouraging you, or he may prefer you slimmer, but you may be wrong about the degree / strength of preference he has?

Talk to him about it!

ViveLaFrak · 13/07/2010 13:52

Well maybe in the period that you were losing weight he felt you were happier and wanted to encourage you and let you know the positive effect it had on him?

I'm sure he'd tell you if you got too thin! DH starts force-feeding me chocolate cake if I do too much yoga.

MrsRhettButler · 13/07/2010 13:52

i go between a size 8 and a size 16 while i have been with dp and he and i both prefer me around a big 10/small 12

i feel nicer in my clothes at that size

traceybath · 13/07/2010 13:53

I agree with MrsRhettButler.

Pregnancy is different of course - I gained loads in my pregnancies but have lost it afterwards.

I too wouldn't fancy DH in the same way if he gained loads of weight and would also worry about his health.

But OP are we talking about going from say a size 32 or from a size 8 to a 6?

MrsRhettButler · 13/07/2010 13:54

what sizes are we talking about here?

Original poster
confusedabouthim · 13/07/2010 14:05

well i have actually gained lots of weight in about 9 months, gained the weight i lost and then some.

he was really candid during my weight loss time that he found me much more attractive and didn't like the extra weight i used to have. our sex life improved alot during that time too, probably becuase, as i felt more confident about myself i felt more receptive to trying new things. but i think he is also not the type to like love handles, he wants slim and toned.

he is quite shallow and he has said that it is a failing of his. most of our marriage i have always not bothered to lose weight but now, i wonder if i am sabotaging my marriage by being stubborn about this issue. but i would like to know what other ladies think.

i was always abit overweight which he didnt care about in the early years but i think the passage of time and two babies has made it different. i also wish that he grew more to love and accept my body in its current size 18 self but i dont think he will ever change.

OP posts:
Pollyanna · 13/07/2010 14:09

it's difficult isn't it. Yes I would lose weight if I could tell my dh was unhappy about it. But I don't think he would ask me - I can just tell that he prefers me thinner. I also prefer me thinner.

i have asked dh to try and lose his belly recently - does that make me controlling?

stainesmassif · 13/07/2010 14:12

on the one hand, i don't think i'd be able to lose weight for dh to please him, but on the other, i worry that the extra weight he carries could put a strain on his heart as he gets older. so it really depends if it's aesthetic or for health benefits...

sorky · 13/07/2010 14:13

are you tall? Does it not depend on how you carry it?

I'm only 5' 3", so anything over a 10 looks like I'm getting chunky (in my eyes), but that's because I carry any weight around my middle only, so I lose any shape.

I don't think it's so much the size, but how you carry it.

Sithmummy · 13/07/2010 14:24

You say you were more confident when you were slimmer. Could it be this that your DH responds to?

My DH prefers me slim because I am happier and more fun to be with. I'm not worried about flabby, floppy bits and will wear nicer clothes rather than tents. Even a bikini!

Dressing up and going out is also more enjoyable because I feel good about how I look and am not sat in the corner complaining about being too hot/too old/too frumpy.

DH never said a word when I was a size 18 and confident, but 3 pregnancies really affected the way I felt about my body and even though I didn't get bigger, I felt uncomfortable with my shape and that did impact on our physical relationship.

cakeywakey · 13/07/2010 17:11

Perhaps you need to have a deep and meaningful with your DH OP so that you can both talk about it and how it's making both of you feel. If you want to lose weight though it's only you that can do it and you have to really want to. It's not easy, I know.

ShinyAndNew · 13/07/2010 17:14

Is my snoring so bad that the neighbours can hear me? If so, yes I would lose weight for my partners sanity. For cosmetic reasons. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL. I'd lose weight for myself and myself only.

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