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Original poster

views on the man changing his surname after the wedding...,

24 replies

lucykate · 29/04/2010 00:15

someone i know is getting married soon, and rather than the bride take on his surname, she wants to keep her name as is, but him to change his so it's double barreled as in his surname - her surname. his dad is not too happy about this idea.

anyone know a couple who have done this?, is it weird/ok?

OP posts:
booyhoo · 29/04/2010 00:18

if OH would do that i would marry him.

but he wouldn't precisely because his family would be arseholes about it, which is why i wont take their name.

but in general i see no reason not to.

champagnesupernova · 29/04/2010 00:30

I know a couple who have done this.
She had an unusual non english surname and his was a short one syllable well-known english one
I think it's a bit silly when I see it myself but strokes for folks, innit?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 29/04/2010 00:38

I think it's odd one half of the couple double-barrelling and the other half not; I would have thought the point was that both do it (or neither but double-barrel the children).

I wouldn't see anything weird about the man changing his surname to the woman's or both double-barreling, though (or just both keeping their own names).

saslou · 29/04/2010 00:44

I've always thought that couples should pick the name they like best and go with that one, if they want to have the same last name. Where my MIL comes from it is not expected that women take their husbands name - couples often keep their own and the DC can be given either name. It is not uncommon for siblings with same mother and father to have different names. I don't see a problem with the man taking his wifes name and consider it very unfair that mens families object to this when they don't bat an eye at the wife being expected to change hers

jasper · 29/04/2010 00:45

sensible if her name is fab and his a bit dud.

But if it's just to make a point? daft

Original poster
lucykate · 29/04/2010 16:30

thanks for the feedback. my gut feeling is that the name decision is to make a point rather than any other reason.

OP posts:
eeyore12 · 30/04/2010 09:32

I am taking my finace name, but we have talked about double barrelling as it would work and sound ok, but to be honest I want to take his name, to me that is part of getting married and showing the world you are together. My old boss took her husbands name but the children are double barreled, hers and his.

I don't think I would ask him to take my name, unless I was from some old english family and it would keep the name/line going as I am the last child in our family to get married and we are all girls anyway, so no boys to keep it going

Miggsie · 30/04/2010 09:37

Yes, I knew someone who was due to inherit the family fortune and one of the stipulations was her future husband must change his name to hers so to carry on the family name.

MarineIguana · 30/04/2010 09:43

I know two couples where they've both changed their name to a combined version, though not any where only the man has. I think well done to any man who has the guts to buck the sexist trend, but basically, why can't everyone just keep their own name? I'd never change mine - it seems like a mad thing to me, to change something so central in your life, just for marriage.

UnquietDad · 30/04/2010 09:52

I know of one couple who have both changed their names to a combined version.

To be honest, most women I know who have got married have taken the husband's name as part of this, as they wanted to go it as part of the whole marriage "package". And if they wanted to keep their own name they are "partners" instead.

Where does double-barrelling stop? If Esme Fotherington marries Henry Smythe and becomes Esme Fotherington-Smythe, and they have two children, Tarquin and Jocasta, what does Jocasta Fotherington-Smythe do when she wants to get married to Wayne Slobb? Does she become Jocasta Fotherington-Smythe-Slobb? Will her daughter, Staycee Fotherington-Smythe-Slobb, want to add a fourth name when she gets married?!...

Babieseverywhere · 30/04/2010 09:52

My DH changed his family name to mine.

I really relate to my more unusual family name, I'm into family history and our children are the last of this name, so I am so pleased we did it.

My inlaws are not impressed but their name is very common (as in many people with it) and they breed like rabbits and already have children with their family name.

My DH was a bit when I brought the subject up and mumbled that his workmates would take the piss.

I also did and said if he didn't like the idea, I would be very happy to take his name but I would not be impressed if the only reason against was people from work's attitude. He laughed and decided to take my name and I am so pleased he did

slug · 30/04/2010 10:06

Why on earth not? If a woman can be routinely expected to change her name, what is so different about a man's one?

I have friends who did this. Her surname was much nicer and quite unusual. Twenty five years later they are quite amicably divorced (both went to each others second weddings) and he still uses her surname.

nickelbabe · 01/05/2010 12:09

It does seem a bit strange that they'll be double-barrelling one and not the other, it seems very much like a complete reversal of the "compromise" situation. (woman double-barrells, man keeps his)

if they want to do it, though, I don't see the problem.

my own is when it's suggested that the man takes the woman's surname: as my DF said "but i'm the only one with my dad's name" this is my bit: so? my parents had all girls, so there's NOONE left to take my dad's name! if we play by the traditions!

and i'm not entirely sure why it's anything to do with his family: it's up to the couple, surely!

4andnotout · 01/05/2010 12:21

My friends dh has taken her name as she refused to use his surname on the birth certificates for their dc's as she didn't get on with his family. It seems to have worked for them ok.

Original poster
lucykate · 01/05/2010 12:25

agree it's entirely up to them, they can do what they want name wise, am just wanting points of view on it i may not think of, so all posts have been helpful.

her name is not unusual, and she has a brother to carry on the family name. if the groom changes his name he becomes...

mr bates

OP posts:
elvislives · 01/05/2010 13:00

My DH was going to take my name (unusual) after the wedding but his parents stuck their oar in. Had I been older and wiser I'd have called it off then because it was a precursor to the huge amount of interference we've suffered since. They had another 2 sons and 2 grandsons at the time with their (common)name.

In the end when DD1 arrived 2 years later we both double-barrelled, and it was only a few years after that before we both started using just my name at work and in daily life. So all that hassle for nothing.

It is nobody else's business, except for the couple concerned.

UQD that argument really pisses me off. It is up to each individual at the time. DD1 (24) says she will keep my name and double it with her DF's. DS1 might drop my bit altogether. It is entirely up to them and I will address them and their future spouses by whichever name they decide to use.

(why does the whole marriage "package" mean giving up your own identity? )

nickelbabe · 01/05/2010 14:18

UQD
"To be honest, most women I know who have got married have taken the husband's name as part of this, as they wanted to go it as part of the whole marriage "package". And if they wanted to keep their own name they are "partners" instead. "

i think that kind of sums up the bigotted patriarchal society from which this tradtition stems...

I think you'll find that most people these days get married because they want to be with the other for the rest of their lives, to share everything and to share themselves.
i don't think changing your name should have anything to do with that! I don't change my first name to DH'swife, so why should i change my surname? my whole name is my name, not just my christian names!
and for your information, getting married means that we have the right to use our DH's name, if we want to. it does not automatically mean that our name has changed.

so i'll share Elvis's

elvislives · 01/05/2010 22:03

nickelbabe

UnquietDad · 03/05/2010 01:34

So if it is up to each individual, why do some women make such a song-and-dance about women who have taken the husband's name having "lost their identity"? There seems to be a perplexing contradiction embodied in that.

I have earned an "I think you'll find." It really is not my day.

nickelbabe · 04/05/2010 16:03

i suppose it's the same root as having to tie ourselves to railings, getting arrested and being force-fed just to get the right to vote.
extreme measures in order to get a basic human right.

notasize10yetbutoneday · 03/09/2010 16:03

We did this. Originally I had always thought (or rather, not given it any thought and presumed I would) take DH's name. But the more I started thinking about being Mrs Something Else (and having the same name as MIL, who I am none too keen on) the more i realised how I wanted to keep my own name, as well as taking DHs name. I told DH and later he said he wanted to take my name as well. His words were, "its about two families joining together and becoming a new family", which I agree with whole-heartedly.So now we are Mr & Mrs Myname-Hisname.

His parents were fine about as it IIRC, and he was starting new job after wedding anyway so work not an issue and TBH I don't think most of his mates even realised...

BeenBeta · 03/09/2010 16:23

Yes I know a couple that did that.

He had a difficult name to pronounce (Polish) so she kept hers as she worked in a business where she was well established before she was married. He still double barreled hers though.

minipie · 03/09/2010 16:29

views on the man changing his surname after the wedding?

it's no different from the woman changing her surname after the wedding.

both are unnecessary IMO, but if you want to have the same name then it's just as logical for the man to change as for the woman.

said · 03/09/2010 16:33

I know someone who has done this. Why not? "His dad is not too happy about this idea" Well, tough. I imagine that's how some women feel when they feel they "need" to do it as well

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