Planning a wedding when you have a baby/toddler...

[poppymango]

We are engaged🍾and hoping to get married within the next two years.

Due to our age (early and mid 40's) we are also beginning IVF treatment. Obviously this is no guarantee of a baby, and can take years even if successful, so we are pressing on with wedding planning; if a baby comes along, we will postpone the wedding by a year. Very much hoping the various suppliers won't charge the earth if we do postpone, although I guess I should be prepared to lose the initial deposit. We would let them know at least six months in advance of the original wedding date. If I'm still not pregnant by then, we may pause treatment until after the wedding.

My question is about what else we would need to plan in order to have the wedding of our dreams with our baby or toddler. Last year, I saw the pictures of Daisy Lowe's wedding to Jordan Saul (which was just gorgeous and completely magical) at which their two year old daughter was present. It's kind of made me think that I don't have to compromise if I plan it properly, but I need to make sure I've thought of everything!

Pics:
https://www.instagram.com/p/DLpBHt9MnyQ/?hl=en-gb&img_index=6
https://www.instagram.com/p/DLXLcJeugLY/?hl=en-gb&img_index=1

I fully expect to have a childminder/nanny for the whole of the long weekend so that we can be totally present, and not have to keep disappearing. Obviously we'd need to make sure our child is already well acquainted with them in advance. But of course it's not just about managing a wedding with minimal toddler/baby disruption - this child will be the absolute light of our lives, and we'd like to have them part of it, considered, not just an additional thing to be managed and taken away if he or she gets overwhelmed and has a meltdown.

Any advice on what else we need to consider? Things you wish you'd done? Any genius ideas, or ways of including the child? Magical moments you'll treasure forever?

It'll be a church wedding, marquee reception, 100-150 guests. There will possibly be half a dozen other children there, mostly between 5-9 years old.

Thanks in advance!

Oh Op I honestly wouldn’t be given the wedding and balancing with two children another thought.

Just focus on the IVF journey that lies ahead of you. The wedding just will fit in.

I got married when my DC was 8 months. It wasn’t without its challenges, but he was content in his pram / being held by family members during the day and in the evening we paid a family friend to babysit at the venue. Look, it’s not going to be the same as a wedding pre baby. You probably wont look the same, dress shopping is a pain, you’ll always have half an eye on what’s happening with your baby. But it can still be lovely. I would aim for a more relaxed day and as much as possible organised by the venue (I had a country house hotel type, all catering etc included and all family staying onsite). My DC is now 2.5 and I would find it more challenging now they are more active and clingy with me, but all kids are different.

I wouldn’t use a minor celebrity’s social media post as a guide for how to do this. Social media posts reflect a tiny carefully selected portrayal of the event. Even with that, their toddler only appears in two of the photos shared. My guess is she was brought in for a couple of photos then kept entirely out of the wedding.

If you are a guest, bringing along a baby or toddler is just about manageable. If you are the marrying couple, it’s going to be challenging! You are the centre of attention and activity. But babies and toddlers want your attention all of the time. If they are there with a nanny and can see you they will want you. They will get tired, and hungry. They will be bored a lot and need attention. They will need taking to the toilet or nappy changes. They will have sticky fingers and food on them, which will end up on you.

My advice, if you want to go ahead with a “dream” wedding after having a baby, have the wedding without the kids, have a nanny keep them for a whole day. Do a photoshoot another day to have some nice family photos. Or just have them brought into the reception for a couple of hours then taken home again.

But also my advice would be if you do find yourself pregnant, bring the wedding forward instead of postponing. In that circumstance, focus less on the dream wedding and instead on the dream marriage/family.

I’ve been through IVF, I found it physically and emotionally difficult and unfortunately in my case it wasn’t successful. I wish you all the luck and will keep fingers crossed for you.

Crack on with IVF and wedding, marry pregnant rather than postpone, if you have a wee one then make arrangements for care, timings in the day around care needs etc

You have to consider things like breastfeeding, if you glance over at your baby are you likely to leak all over your dress, will your size change significantly during or after fittings for your dress, will you actually want to spend a whole weekend away from your baby?

I think before you have a baby it’s hard to know how you’ll feel once the baby is born. I was totally career driven but once my baby was born I did not want to be away from them and an entire weekend of them being looked after by someone else most of the time, for an event that is supposed to be one of the most heartfelt moments of my life just would not compute.

I think you can have a beautiful wedding, baby included, if you plan on having the baby quite an important part of it and maybe just have the day and night of them with a nanny not an entire weekend. It depends entirely how you feel, but it is a risk that you wouldn’t want that much time away.

Although my dd hasn’t got a baby, would you alter your wedding plans? My DD is having a smaller private chapel service and then a separate blessing and party 2 weeks later. The smaller wedding would be easy to manage with a baby. It’s shorter and we are having a family dinner afterwards. The bigger do is in a Grade 1 listed building and dc could easily be accommodated because we have a dressing room with sofas for DD and immediate family. A nanny could retreat to this and baby/toddler could sleep if you bring a carry cot. Marquees don’t have this, but if it’s attached to a hotel, book rooms. You need quiet space. Dd is having editorial photos before the big do. So late morning and a baby could be included.

Wddings are long days and dc are unpredictable.

Wedding dresses: lead time on many is 8-12 months. Off the shelf obviously longer but alterations aren’t easy to book! If you don’t mind a less impressive dress, you can sort that out fairly quickly. If you get pregnant, I would postpone but they might make you take out insurance and the contracts will stipulate cancellation and postponement clauses. Lastly, if you want a summer wedding the costs are more and there’s far less wriggle room.