To be spending a fortune to attend a wedding

[Jellyworms]

dh best friend getting married in august. We have been invited and our youngest is flowergirl
wedding is two hours from our home and starts super early so will need two nights in a hotel (night before and night of otherwise we wont be able to drink at all and will have to leave early to get dd tired home)
dh best friend just put into group chat that everyone must order their suits ( groomsmen) by x y z date and the cost is £368 per person!
ontop of this we have to pay 2 nights hotel
dds flowergirl dress and shoes
2x ds suits
my dress shoes etc
thats without adding on how much fuel that drive will take there and back!

then ontop they are asking for cash gifts only
AIBU to think this is taking the mick?

Dh’s sister did this years ago. Dh had to by quite a bright navy suit that he’s never worn since. Absolutely joke tbh. They also wanted us to stay two nights at the hotel, but it was only a 45 minute drive and dd was a baby and ds was only 3 so I knew none of us would sleep well. It caused bit of upset at the time, but was fine after.

Flower girl outfit should be paid for by bride.
What do "groomsmen" actually do?! Are they ushers? If so, why can't they all just wear regular dark suits, and maybe matching ties? Or rent suits? If the couple want them to wear specific suits, then the couple pays.

2 nights in a hotel is reasonable, and what most of us would pay as wedding guests.

When we got married our ushers, my Dad and FIL were told to buy a black suit and we paid for their shirts, waistcoats and ties. We bought my husband and his brother (best man) suits, shirts, waistcoats and ties. We also paid for the flower girls dresses/shoes and the bridesmaids dresses/shoes/jewellery/hair/makeup.

Asking someone to buy a black suit is fine....they can buy it where they want within their own budget. Asking someone to buy a specific suit from a particular shop, that might be completely out of their budget, is unacceptable. The bride/groom should be paying for the flower girl dress/shoes.

Unfortunately I do think some couples lose sight of the fact that not everyone can afford to spend a small fortune to attend their wedding. I was very conscious of making sure I didn't ask too much of those who we'd invited.

Wow! If it were me I actually wouldn’t be able to afford all this at all and I would tell them that.
I would write a careful thought out message to say how much has already been spent on any stag/hen do stuff etc. And then detail all the remaining future costs giving a total cost and say it’s all completely out of budget and you simply don’t have it.
Sometimes I don’t think people think. But if you presented to them an itemised cost list with a total cost, they might start to think differently

Yes
YADNBU

I never really understand why couples think it is ok to ask their friends/family to spend the equivalent of a family break on their wedding!

Unless you have money to burn, that’s insane. I would send something polite back that explains that it’s going to all be a bit out of budget and you need to make some cutbacks - where would they prefer this to happen.

I think the problem is that no one ever says anything, just quietly seethe. Therefore, the behaviour goes unchecked.

Surely, if they are cheeky enough to ask you to pay for things that they should, then you pick your own and they certainly shouldn’t expect a wedding cash gift!

So it’s looking like they’re expecting you to drop in excess of £1000 on their wedding AND buy a fucking gift?

Absolute piss take in my view.

You don’t need to stay 2 nights.

Its only 2 hours away.
Just leave early in the morning and then either neither of you drink or only 1 of you and the other drive home.
DD can have 1 later night and nap in the car.

Even if you stayed the night, 1 of you would have to take your DD back to bed early anyway.
So it’s a waste of money.

I would be really annoyed about having to buy a particular outfit and I think I’d have to say something (although I can imagine DH doesn’t want to).

I would buy the rest of the outfits as cheap as possible, like using vinted etc.

I would be telling them that we weren’t buying the suit, hire or they pay!
Bridesmaid dress etc they pay or she wouldn’t be one!
I would just be wearing a nice dress I already have.
I hope they are at least paying for the meal the night before?
A couple of Years ago we went to a wedding 3 hours away, started at 11am so we stayed. Cost us £1000 everything included. So on their lovely wedding invitation was a poem asking for money but your presence was present enough.
So I bought a nice card and that was it.