Attending a wedding without newborn

[JJ1992]

Hey!

Looking fot some advice - my partner is best man at his close friends wedding this year. The wedding is one of those weekend long events and he is expected to stay Fri- Monday. I have kindly been invited to stay at the accommodation for this time period too.
Thing is - I've only gone and got pregnant and now my second child is due around 8 weeks before the wedding.
My mum has already signed up to watch both the kids for 2 night - night before and night of. But realistically - I'm not sure I'll cope leaving my baby for this time ! I exclusively breastfed my first and loved it - but i didn't really spend any time away from him for the first 5 months or so.
I have no idea how birth is going to go , if feeding will be successful again or how my hormones will be by 8 weeks PP.
I am getting anxious about not taking advantage of the bride and I don't want to pull out last minute- but realistically I can't see me staying two nights - even one would be a push.
It seems it's a bit of a non- negotiable that my partner goes for the full three nights however as he is expected to help with best man stuff.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and it's worked out okay ? The wedding venue is around an hours drive to my parents so if needed I could do a bit of pumping while there and drop it off at somepoint. Am I actually gonna be up for any of this though 😂😫

Couple have never mentioned bringing baby - this would really be my preferred option but I don't feel close enough to the bride to ask... may ask to take him for the night before even? Is this cheeky? Should I just pull out now and save everyone the hassle? I'll have serious FOMO that my partner gets to have all that fun and I don't but guess it's not really about me 😂😫

As your circumstances have significantly changed since you accepted the invitation, I don’t think it’s rude to update them on your news (congratulations!) and seek clarification as to whether your newborn can come. Most people accept breastfeeding babies at a wedding. I think it’s more for you to decide then would you rather be at home and just leave it to your DH to attend?

OP hopefully a couple of years from now if the couple have their own DC they will be thoroughly ashamed of their behaviour.

you did far more than many would in the circumstances.

They don’t need to give a reason. They don’t want a baby at their wedding. End of.
I had to leave my child for an important event as a baby. He stayed with DH. Yes I missed him. Yes he survived. He is currently bouncing up and down asking when the swimming pool opens, age 7 and yes we still have a good bond.

Well, they don't need to give a reason, no. But if you choose to treat your friends with so little consideration without even bothering to provide an explanation, then you might reasonably expect that they may not be your friends for much longer.

@JJ1992 that is unbelievable. You are an excellent friend. I’m glad it worked out for you and in would also distance my self. When you said I will have an 8 week old what did they say?

They defintiely dont get it because they dont have kids - and none of the Brides close friends had either. Most of the Grooms friends have kids but its obvious bride just has no idea how it works when you have family and just chose to ignore the boys other commitments...

Honestly in that situation I wouldn't go.
You can't leave a breast fed 8 week old baby for one night never mind two nights.

Oops just read update !

when they have their own kids you will get a grovelling apology.

I went to a destination wedding with my 6 week old (i wanted to go and had a great time) and when the bride had a baby a few years later she rang me at 6 weeks and aaid she couldn’t believe she’d even asked me to leave the house let alone get on a plane and put on make up and a dress 🤣

I've just read the update.
Perhaps when/if they have children they will understand how difficult it is to be away from a small breast fed baby overnight.
It would have been impossible to leave mine as they wouldn't take a bottle. It would have been stressful for them and for anyone who was looking after them!

Of course you can. She’d have to make sure they take a bottle, and do loads of pumping but it’s totally possible. One of my friends away from 4 week old for a week when she had sepsis (the mum) and re-established / continued fine.

My suggestion was she brings the baby with by the way. But if she can’t it’s still manageable

Can you take your mum to the hotel too?

The thing is, you didn’t need to go to the wedding. You could have just said you can’t as you have an EBF small baby, and problem solved. Sounds like you wanted to go, which is completely fine (I love a good wedding myself!) but you weren’t forced to leave your child overnight and get yourself so stressed.

Glad it all worked out and you enjoyed yourself in the end.

And just to add, people without kids really are clueless. I had a couple of friends many years ago who had newborns, and I went to see them within days of baby being born, as I just had to meet the new baby. One of these friends then cooked me dinner. After having my own, I now cringe at how I could have been so self centred!

I think it’s pretty common OP.

If the couple getting married don’t have children then they don’t really understand the challenges involved - especially with newborns.

The irony is that when they have their own children (the nice ones at least) look back and realise they wished they had behaved differently.

My wedding was childfree, but a close friend with a newborn spelled out the issues (in detail 😂) about leaving an EBF baby so we changed the “rules” to allow babes in arms.

I’m really glad we did. It meant several close friends were able to attend who otherwise wouldn’t and babes in arms are very different to having toddlers running around the venue.

We even asked the venue to set up a quiet nursing room near to where the bar/reception room was which worked really well and the 4 mums could pop in there and have some privacy for feeding and also settling the baby if needed.

Rather than detract from the wedding I think it improved it given we had all our friends there and the babies were no trouble at all. It also positively cemented those friendships as well in terms of the understanding.

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT NOTICED: READ THE POST WEDDING UPDATE.

A good friend of mine had a child free wedding, and then when she'd had her own baby was utterly mortified by it. They had told a cousin they couldn't bring a newborn and it almost caused world war 3 in the family.... in fairness to her she did hold her hands up and say sorry she'd been such a bridezilla.

I'm glad you got to go OP and your baby and you coped well. Sad to hear that it's affected your friendship though.

'But if you choose to treat your friends with so little consideration without even bothering to provide an explanation'

It was a CHILDFREE wedding! That means no children. That's the explanation. I understand that it was inconvenient for the OP but she had options and she made her decision

I could've stayed home - but my partner was going either way.
I felt a bit insecure about him going to the wedding and staying at the house all weeekend with the wedding party - some couple and some singletons - without me. This is what pushed me to try leaving my daughter and in the end it was good fun.

Feeling this way was definitely a 'me' problem but i feel I miss out on a lot of things when we cant get childcare and I just didnt want this to be one of those times !

This. Me before children wanted a child free wedding and had one, me after children still prefers childcare weddings

I’m glad it all worked out in the end but I’m sorry you were put in that position. I don’t understand childfree weddings. As the bride, one of the highlights was seeing my friends’ kids, my nieces and nephews all twirling around the dance floor! I invited one or two couple with babies and they chose to come without them - but that was their choice rather than our request. I also went to a friend’s wedding when DD1 was about 9 weeks old and she was good as gold. One of my cousins got married when DD2 was tiny. That was a childfree wedding, so we didn’t go. They now have 3 daughters and I do wonder whether their choice would be different in retrospect!

We respected their decision - but I still judged them internally for the position me and others were put in 😂

Just to clarify - I would never have asked to take my older child. Only because of how young baby girl is.

I think i need to seek help because this is still bothering me 😂😂

Think you’re being really unreasonable to judge them tbh. Doesn’t sound like they were pressuring you to attend. You wanted to attend so you didn’t have FOMO basically, you found a solution and had a good time, probably way better than if you were carting around your baby all day. You created the stress for yourself, it’s not their issue to accommodate you and your newborn if they’ve decided not to allow any children. It’s fine for people to want a childfree wedding, absolutely their choice and not like this was even a close family member of yours.

I get what youre saying but when you ask someone to be part of your wedding party to come and celebrate your love then have absolutely no regard for their family its quite ironic..

'I get what youre saying but when you ask someone to be part of your wedding party to come and celebrate your love then have absolutely no regard for their family its quite ironic.'

I think that's really unfair. It was an adult only event, like some events are. I get that it was inconvenient for you but that's really not their responsibility. The inconvenience was yours (and DP's) to manage, and you did