Struggling with mother

[peachybums]

We are getting married in July. Been together over 20 years everyone gets along fine in both families. All good. My mum is normally easy going, a bit on the shy side and happy to help. But she’s turned into mother of the bridezilla!!

When we announced we were getting married my mum said ‘what for?’ (With a tone) I laughed it off and said ‘because we want to, why do you think we are rushing into it?’

At the dress shop she had a face on because mother in law was coming. MIL has 3 boys so I thought it would be nice if she came, she said she really enjoyed the day but I could feel my mum being ‘off’ disagreeing with MIL at every opportunity etc to the point of almost being nasty. I did apologise to MIL but she pretended not to notice and said it was fine, even though I knew she was a bit upset.

She disagreed with the venue, said it was hard to get to (it’s actually very local to most of our families things why we chose it) she even made comment on the DJ. Said she was banning dad from having a drink so he could check in dDog at regular intervals. There friends live next door and regularly look after him. When I suggested this she went mad saying she can’t expect them to look after dog for MY wedding.

she’s invited several people I don’t know very well and one person I don’t even like without asking.

She was awful to my dad when he announced he was writing his speech, laughing (he gets nervous) and saying everyone will be bored. Belittling Ds on his speech and asking why my DD ‘can’t be bothered saying anything’

The last straw came when she announced she’d bought a dress. She’s a bit self conscious about her weight and how she looks so I was ready to say how lovely she would look etc when she said ‘it’s knee length and WHITE’ I broke and went mad! I told her she can’t wear white and if she does she’s not coming. She said I was selfish and it’s not all about me!!!!

what is her problem? How can I handle this? It’s so out of character. She gets along with DP so it’s not like she doesn’t like him and disapproves. The switch was instant when we announced the wedding.

This is utterly bizarre behaviour. I think I'd have to confront it head on and ask her wtf is going on. If you can't get to the bottom of it and a genuine promise to stop, I'd cut her off from all wedding plans and keep details to a minimum. She can know as much as any other guest.

Don't let her spoil this for you.

What was her own wedding like? It sounds like it has been a bit of a trigger for her so I'm wondering if there has been some long-buried resentment? Have you tried taking her out for a coffee and gently probing what's actually going on?

Honestly? I’d be banning her. Or cancelling the entire thing and eloping.

My nightmare of a mother totally ruined my wedding (that she’d bullied me into having her way)

Wtf is wrong with her! Tell her to can it now, and to stop inviting people to your wedding!!

It’s not her wedding. Does she understand this

Weddings make people act very weirdly, especially people who can’t cope not being the centre of attention… really sorry she’s making what’s meant to be an enjoyable process so difficult for you

What?

Her and my dad have been married 51 years. Marriage ok so don’t think she’s jealous. She didn’t have a big wedding as they were broke but she’s never given any indication she was disappointed with this. Siblings both not married so nothing to compare to.

me and DP have a good relationship, no major issues. He’s a good dad and works hard, supports me no end etc so not annoyed with him or feels he’s not good enough.

Her and DP get along fine. They have a laugh together he gives her lifts places occasionally. She drives him mad after a few hours like but normal mil stuff haha. Just spend a lovely family Christmas together. She didn’t mention the wedding and neither did we really.

We have three grown up DC. She does favour DS but has a nice relationship with Dd2. Dd1 doesn’t talk much so she’s commented she’s a bit ‘difficult’ but doesn’t treat her differently.

Everything seemed normal until this. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with her. I’ve asked if she’s ok and she says yes why wouldn’t it be? lol

I don’t think I am BU for not wanting her to wear white at my church wedding. The reason I went mad was it was a final straw. If this had been the first incident I think I’d have been a bit calmer and explained I wouldn’t like this

Just tell her given it all displeases her she best not come.
And mean it.
We uninvited mil from our wedding due to some unforgivable actions.

On one individual point, I would tell her the people she invited, aren't invited, and ask her if she was going to tell them or if you have to.

Like pps, I would have to sit her down with a cuppa, and ask her what the problem was, and why she was being so difficult. She'll presumably say she isn't, and you can calmly list everything you've said here.

The white dress thing is bonkers. That's not 'new' or a fad, it has been the case that no-one (but the bride) wears white at a wedding for decades (except these weird Instagram weddings where guests are dictated to).

And I thought my Mum was bad! Good God. Firstly it IS all about you its YOUR wedding, not hers. She has no right to invite anyone and I had to have this conversation with my Grandmother who on finding out that i wasn't inviting her brother (who i barely know) said she would invite him, so I had to put my foot down and said no one is to invite anyone without my or my husbands permission. Back on the subject if mothers, everytime we spoke about the wedding I would get another 'I'm not coming if...' in the end I lost my rag and just said don't come then. She shut up and we didn't discuss the wedding much after that. She came and complained the entire time, she didn't like my first dance song, she didn't like my cake toppers, she wanted to sit with her boyfriend etc. You need to be firm with her, threaten to revoke her invitation if she doesn't stay in line and if all else fails hire security and anyone turning up I white will be ejected. My husband used to be a bouncer and almost brought a couple of former colleagues in.

I think I would talk to her but with your DF there and your DP. Tell her you’re really looking forward to your Wedding and having them there as your DPs but you’re concerned that she’s behaving out of character, like how she behaved towards DMIL, what she’s said about their DDog, her dress and what she has said about it all being about you and inviting guests.

She will probably deny all of it and make out it’s you that is being unreasonable but hold firm OP and make it very clear that the extra guests aren’t welcome and also that if she wants to attend then she needs a different dress. Only one Woman should he wearing a white dress and that is you OP.