How do I tell fiancé I don’t want to marry him?

[Girl001]

Due to get married next year. Had a child nearly 2 years ago. We get along great and he isn’t horrible. I’m just not in love with him anymore. Do you think I should say something or suck it up? I obviously don’t want to hurt him anymore than I will. I’ve lost myself as a person and really want to find myself again since being a mother.

I think the key bit here is that you are lost as a person in motherhood. Do you think time may heal this? How was your relationship before you had a child?

Well you don’t love him any more so it’s a bit
more than “I dont want to get married” its
“we need to separate” surely?

And as to how you tell him - there’s no easy way that doesn't hurt. You need to sit him
down and tell him straight just as you’ve written it here. Any different and you’ll give mix signals. Best he gets the cold hard truth.

Maybe he doesn’t want to be with you either? So tell him and you can separate and live your independent lives with 50:60 child time and be fully responsible for your own expenses.
of course you’ll need to sell the family home so you can both get the equity to buy your own individual places.
and then you’ll have your 50% child free time to find yourself!

I think there’s a strong possibility that your feelings are related to the dramatic change in your life that motherhood has wreaked, rather than your boyfriend. The construct of “in love” is a recent invention and shouldn’t be the dominating factor in crucial life-decisions. Ditto: “finding yourself”.

My advice: have a cheap low-key wedding or civil partnership for the legal and financial protection it gives you, then put some serious energy into re-establishing your career.

Re-evaluate everything in a couple of years’ time.

Having a baby is a huge change in your life. I felt completely lost and that lasted for a very long time. A total loss of identity and didn’t know my place in the world. Hormones were brutal. I would not make any rash decisions at this stage. I think it’s very hard to know in your position if it’s motherhood or the relationship. I would postpone the wedding and try and get yourself back on track for the sake of all 3 of you. Eventually things went back to normal and I am extremely lucky and happy. Having babies and toddlers is not easy.

So don’t marry for love or to build a life together as a family, do it so you can get money out of him on a few years when you divorce?

There’s a difference between love and “in love” and she’s already created the family.

This is terrible advice!! Fucking hell 🤯

Appreciate all the comments thankyou!
For more context, we get along great. We kind of live separate lives, go to work, come home and do our own thing (live more like roommates). Having a baby didn’t affect the relationship, it just feels as time has gone on we have both changed and I know I feel unhappy and don’t want my child growing up and seeing his mum sad constantly. On the other hand, I feel super guilty for breaking up a family so I don’t know whether to just stay out of guilt.

For goodness sake don't. Carry him. I didn't love my first husband. I married him because we had a baby together. It ended up horribly, very bitter with a big custody fight.
If you don't love him now you never will and divorce is hell.

You have a very young child. If you are going to break up, it's probably better to break up now, than when the child is older.

You do not want to get married to him. Don't marry someone you don't want to be married to.

I wish you and your child all the best.

I presume you are automatically assuming he is better off financially than she is even though you have no basis for this from the information provided? Why?

Because it’s borne out of the “take him for EVERYTHING!! Make him leave the family home, he needs to pay for it still!! Get spousal too!! Yay!

I absolutely didn’t mean any of that. I do think women who sacrifice their careers for motherhood are foolish not to marry.

Sorry that makes no sense?
so couple together… mum wants to find herself and straight away dads a dick because he won’t fund this?
why would they be reliant on food banks? Does mum not have a duty of care/to provide?

editited just to show you edited!😝

Sorry, think I edited while you were replying. My first response was intemperate.

Say something. Don’t get caught in the trap of not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings because you will end up doing it anyway. Don’t waste anyone’s time, especially not your own. If you wanted to make it work, you would. If you don’t feel that way, be kind to yourself and to him and be honest. It will be hard but it will be a memory soon enough. A divorce can haunt for a very long time.

It's better to regret not getting married than to regret getting married.

I had doubts and I married my now husband. I have since lost (moved away or passed away) all family and I’ve never felt more alone nor can I leave because he has made it that I have zero money to do so. If there is any doubt, don’t do it. Don’t make the same mistake I made.

This is very very sensible advice, take it.

Don’t get married but it’s worth staying together and seeing if things change once out of the baby stage

It takes alot of courage to end a relationship when it’s not too bad or you get along as roommates or dc are involved. You must be courageous and strong and seek a better future for yourself. Dont marry.

Either postpone or cancel, don’t go through with it unless you’re sure. Postponing may well be a step to cancelling.

I haven't voted because I think there is a third option.
I think your feelings are pretty normal as a mother of a toddler. Your partner become a close friend instead of your lover.
Do not get married, do talk to your boyfriend.
Take time for each other, time to reconnect and rediscover what you had. Date nights, weekend away, time away from your child, and time together as a family.
Relationships take a heavy battering when kids arrive. Some survive and some don't, but you need to give it a chance, by putting some serious time into it, before you give up.

I would also spend time on finding yourself again, whether through work, or friendships or just having some time out.

I would also suggets couple counselling.
This can be really effective. It doesn't mean that you will necessarily fall back in love or that the relationship will continue, but it is really helpful in establishing communication and understanding for the future.

I guess for me, one key question is how did you feel before you had the baby? Is this all post baby or were you already feeling this way?

So my third option is give it one last shot before you decide it is over.

This 💯 %