WWYD Civil Partnership vs Marriage?

[JontyGentoo]

Both turned 50 this year, been together for 22 years and have a 7 year old. Spoke at the weekend about financial things such as IHT, pensions, etc and decided to make things legal but…..

He wants to go down the civil partnership route as doesn’t want to get married. He said he would prefer to sign something than say the vows. I would prefer to get married. My reason is so we all have the same surname. Never used to bother me but does now with all the forms I need to fill up for school, activities, etc. He is aware that a CP is basically the same thing as getting married but has said that he’s never been keen on getting married. Also we live in Scotland so could easily convert to marriage administratively for around £30 if that is something we both wanted to do.

I’m not looking for a big wedding, it would just be us with two witnesses which is the same as what is required for the civil partnership. Only difference is you sign paperwork and no need to say anything with the CP and for a marriage you say your wedding vows. The thought of standing there saying my vows does make me feel a bit awkward and I know that he feels that way too about it but for me that is my preferred option.

So wise people of MN what would you do? Would you just go ahead with the CP since it is the same thing, just under a different name or would you say no, I want us to be married.

You can have a civil partnership and change your name. Equally, you can marry but not change your name. Neither civil partnership nor marriage automatically confers a change of name - it’s up to the parties involved.

If you want to change your name to his why not just do that under deed poll? I assume you gave your child his name, and that's why you want to change yours now?

Personally I agree with his opinion of marriage and wouldn't want it for myself. Legally it doesn't make any difference.

PS the name change (or not) isn’t the important part - the legal rights and responsibilities are!

Thank you both for your replies.

I know the most important thing is that we are both covered legally which the CP would give us. I wasn’t aware you could change your name with a CP, I just knew you couldn’t call each other husband/wife so presumed (wrongly) that I couldn’t be known as Mrs Surname.

You can be known as Mrs Hissurname with or without either marriage or CP - neither the affix Mrs nor changing your surname to whatever you want are reserved only for married people. I could change my name and call myself Mrs YourDP’sSurname if I wanted to! You can also call each other husband and wife on a day to day basis if you want to with a CP - it just can’t be used in legal documentation.

DH and I had our marriage in the very basic tiny room with two witnesses and basic wording legal ceremony at the register office (as we’d already had our large non-legal ceremony and party) and there was nothing about it which denoted it “marriage”, really. The legal vows are pared back, unfancy, purely what’s legally required. If you’d genuinely prefer marriage, suggest your DP have a read of them, if what he doesn’t like is the idea that marriage has to be “fancier” than CP.

Have a word with the registrar about vows - they don't have to be "all fancy" as long as they cover the legals.

And you can call yourself whatever you want in daily life, with our without changing your name legally. I worked with a man who changed his surname to that of his wife's after several years of marriage because it was easier to spell.

My MIL changed her name to Mrs Hissurname 30 years before they got married.

I agree talk to a registrar about what wows are needed

If it is important for you to have a marriage rather than a civil partnership would your dp be ok with minimum wows?

You can change your name with either @JontyGentoo

But the history of this issue is rather interesting...

I was in one of the first Civil Partnerships when it was just for us gayers 😀

We were one of the very first in the UK to form a CP. I remember at the time learning that the option to formally change name upon marriage without deed poll had originally just been a courtesy for wives only, that in practice the few husbands who changed their names were never challenged but it wasn't supposed to be an automatic legal right without formal deed poll. I was astonished that there were actually certain tiny differences in the rights that marriage conferred on husbands and wives, and discovered from the General Registry that when CPs first came in all CPs whether male or female were classed as husbands. We then converted to marriage and became both wives. I remember finding it amusing that we'd been civil partners, husbands and wives across one relationship. (Our marriage certificate is one of the few that had to have the addendum backdating the marriage to the date of CP, wiping the CP out altogether. I remember the local registrar having to phone the General Registry for advice on what to put on the certificate as they'd never done one before. The General Registry told us we'd probably be contacted by genealogists in the future. As it was we had journalists contacting us for interviews about it.)

Our kids who came along a couple of years later find it astonishing that there was ever a world where their mothers couldn't get married. They know it's true but they almost don't believe us. Feeling very old looking back on this now!

Just FYI if you get a civil partnership you’re technically ‘civil partners’ and not ‘spouses’ aka husband and wife.

That means that legally when filling in forms etc you cannot say you are ‘married’ or say you’re his ‘wife’. You would have to say you are a civil partner.

Whether that matters is your choice of course.

You need to say a total of eleven words plus both full names to be married, that’s it. Can be done in 15 minutes sitting in the same room where you’d sign the CP paperwork. I’d ask him for his next objection OP. Eleven words doesn’t seem a lot of effort to make for someone you care enough about to commit the rest of your life to.

Edited as I miscounted the words!

Won’t let me edit again but I was right the first time 🤦‍♀️ it’s ten words!

My actual legal wedding was barely different than going to get a drivers license or a building permit. We went over our lunch break at work on a wfh day in extremely casual clothes. We grabbed fast food on our way back to work because we were short on time.

We did a fluffy ceremony without having to worry about anything legal separately.

We were in your position, although we’re a bit older and so are our children. We opted for a civil partnership and it was perfect for us. No fuss at all. Our ceremony was in the morning. We had two friends for witnesses and we took them out for a nice breakfast later, then were home by lunchtime and got on with our day.

Given that you are in Scotland there is also the lotion of a legal Humanist wedding.

Our wording was as simple as ‘I X take you Y to be my husband/wife” and when asked if we were free to marry we said “I am”.

As humanists celebrants can marry you anywhere they feel is fit and proper it can be even simpler and personal than a registrar.

that said if he doesn’t want to be married then that’s another issue.

you can change your name even without any legal tie to him - you can call yourself whatever you like as long as it’s not to defraud (and keep in mind you don’t need deed poll in Scotland in most cases)