USA Wedding - Urgent Help

[DevonMaid1]

My son (British) is marrying an American girl next year in the USA. Only myself, husband, younger son and his partner will be in attendance as it is simply too expensive for other members of our family to attend. My husband and I have been completely floored by the expectations of what we are going to pay for. We have been advised that there will be 100 guests at the wedding but there will be a grooms meal the night before at which 50 -60 guests will be attending. It will be held in a posh country club and we have been advised that it is customary for the grooms parents to pay for this - thats for all food and drink consumed. It will cost approx £7000 for us to stay in the US - thats flights; hotels and food etc and now we will have a huge bill to pay for this meal. We did intend to make a contribution towards the cost of the wedding (weve been advised its likely to be in the region of £35,000 and thats not including the grooms dinner) but we didnt envisage a dinner and drinks for 50plus people. My husband and I dont want to appear to be mean but would welcome peoples views on this. Weve also been advised that there will be a brunch on the day after the wedding but dont think we will be expected to contribute to that.

Then you simply say ‘no’.

Who is advising you of this? And why are you even entertaining the idea?! Your son should be ashamed of himself.

If this is true, of course …

This is such a ridiculous demand you can completely disregard it.
Just say no thanks, that's not viable in any way, we'll look forward to seeing some photos afterwards.

(They'll probably charge you to view the photos)

Doesn’t matter what’s customary in America because you aren’t American.

Plenty of Americans get married in the courthouse and have a BBQ anyway.

The “rehearsal dinner” the night before the wedding is sometimes part of the occasion here in the US, I’ve attended a few.
But, I’ve also been to weddings that didn’t have them, presumably because of the expense.

I’d stick to your original plan and say that we’re contributing X amount to your wedding, use it as you see fit.

They’re adults, they can organize and pay for their own wedding. If they don’t have the budget for a large rehearsal dinner, so be it. 🤷

“Urgent”

My husband and I got married on the beach in Florida..30 people max, a meal after, that was it. We fully funded it as neither parents could afford anything.

Tell your son asap so he can reign in their expectations. Regardless of what’s customary, they should respect your decision.

Good luck OP ❤️

@BIWI I think it is, unfortunately, rehearsal dinners are a tradition over here. IF you can afford it, of course, it’s hardly necessary!

I have been to a wedding in the US which was very much like this but the brides parents paid for it all. There was a rehearsal dinner the afternoon before, then the actual wedding, then a brunch the next morning. The actual wedding was a ‘cocktail hour’ with tons of food and drink then a sit down 3 course steak dinner. Open bar.

Having said all that, I’d probably offer whatever it is you are prepared to contribute towards the wedding and let them get on with the rest!

I agree with PP - in my experience weddings here are a three-day affair so it’s more of an occasion for the people who are travelling. And usually all three days would be open bar - I have NEVER been to a wedding with a cash bar here.

I think that your DS may be referring to the rehearsal dinner, which if held, is usually the night before the ceremony and is for the wedding party and close family. Traditionally it is paid for by the groom’s parents, but traditionally the bride’s parents pay for the wedding!

Surely you just tell your son that you are intending to make a contribution towards the wedding, and it’s up to him whether he uses it for the rehearsal dinner or the actual wedding?

'no, we can't afford it'

'we can contribute X amount to the wedding, we feel that's very generous anything more you will have to cover yourselves'

No

Whilst rehearsal dinners are very common in the states I just don’t believe this post is real - nobody starts planning a wedding without consulting the people who might be paying and asking how much if any they’d like to contribute. Just because traditionally the groom’s family pay for the rehearsal dinner that doesn’t for one second mean you have to pony up $$$$ if you don’t want to or can’t afford it

I'm in the US and rehearsal dinners are typically hosted by the groom's family and are held the night before the wedding. It's usually the bridal party and both families. They are going a bit OTT, and should have discussed it with you before presuming you were footing the bill. We had a casual buffet meal at my soon to be in-laws home. It was nice, no pretense. Stick to what you can afford.

So traditionally in the US the grooms family pays for the ‘rehearsal dinner’ the night before the wedding. BUT that also means that they plan it and can chose the location, food, and overall expenses to suit their budget.

The cheek of someone planning an event and then telling someone else that they have to pay for it is outrageous.

I suggest you write back a carefully worded response saying that you are happy to contribute to the overall wedding expenses and that you would love the B&G to chose how to allocate those funds to cover any expenses they wish to. However, beyond that contribution, any other expenses will need to be covered by the B&G and that includes the rehearsal dinner.

@nixon1976 It might be a fake post, although some people do turn into bride and groom zillas about their weddings!

This was my thought. When you plan a wedding and your parents are expected to contribute massively, then they are involved from the outset. You don’t just tell them at the last minute that X is happening and they have to pay for it!!

This is either:

A: a fake post, or B: your son is deluded. In which case just reply along the lines of “We’d love to contribute XXX, but as we weren’t given any notice, we currently have to prioritise other things.

I would talk to your son about his expectations. I'm in US my nephew is getting married soon. The rehearsal dinner is being hosted by my Pil ( groom's grandparents) at their house. I know his parents made a contribution as did the bride's and the rest they paid for themselves.

To those persons who think my post is untrue; I only wish it was! Thanks to all who have offered useful advice which is appreciated

@DevonMaid1 I’m speculating here, but as the wedding is being held in the bride’s country, did your son perhaps suggest that she organizes the rehearsal dinner on your family’s behalf, as you obviously don’t know the area, the possible venues, etc.? She may think that she’s being helpful, without realizing a) Rehearsal dinners don’t exist in the UK and b) You had no intention of paying $$$$ for one!

This situation is your son’s making and you should be clear that you’re contributing X amount to the wedding for them to allocate as they see fit.

Please let us know what happens-I’ve got young adult children and would like to know how to handle this myself!