Etiquette re who pays for what

[WinterNightStars]

We are over the moon about our daughter’s engagement & their wedding plans will soon be discussed. We very much want them to have what they want - it’s their day. But we would like to contribute financially . When I married it was tradition for the brides parents to pay for pretty much all of it but that was 30+ years ago. What’s the etiquette now? They have their own house, both work. Whatever we do offer will be to use as they wish, no strings attached. Thanks

I'd work out what I'd like to offer them and then ask them if they'd like a contribution.

I know several weddings in similar circumstances where the bride’s parents have been a bit blindsided by an assumption that they will pay for everything….so best to have an honest chat and set some expectations.!

My parents gave us all (myself and siblings) 5k towards the wedding. In laws gave 2k.

I’m getting married in 2 weeks and this topic is so awkward, I recommend you decide with what you want to give then tell your child as soon as possible so they can plan accordingly. My mom gave me £1,000 towards my dress but this was after I bought it so I budgeted to buy it. I then had to ask my dad for a loan of £7,000 but he has decided to give this instead of us paying it back (although we were planning to pay it back). In laws have not contributed.

Congratulations!

I think many couples nowadays pay for the whole wedding themselves.

But if you want to contribute to wedding, I think @Pancakeflipper had good advice on how to approach it.

I paid half, DD and now SIL paid the other half.
Tbh, DD was quite sensible, reasonably priced hotel, 60 people for the wedding breakfast, additional 40 for the night do, buffet and disco.
She went a bit crazy at one point (wanted the hotel to change the carpet as it didn't match her colour scheme) 😳
She bought loads of extra bits off Ebay but I stuck to my original half.
There's no way I would have paid for the whole shebang

We gave Dd and sil.a set amount and left them to it.

I'd let them look at what they would like, cost it and then offer what you can afford - so they choose a £10k wedding and you can afford it give them the 10K, if you can only afford 1k you give them that.
That way they have made all decisions based on what they want without thinking they would get £££.

We gave each of our sons a cheque for a few thousand, same amount for each. They could split it how they wanted between wedding, wedding present and contribution to honeymoon. One couple came in under budget and one needed to add some more of their own money. Their choice entirely and no pressure from us as to how they spent it.

Say you'd like to give them X pounds as a gift, and that you will give it to them before the wedding so that they can choose whether to use some / all of it towards wedding or honeymoon or to buy something or to save for the future. Then leave it to them.

Just decide on an amount you are comfortable giving them. Then let them set their budget accordingly. Don’t say you will pay for something in particular as then you have to get into discussions about cost of that item.

My parents gave us £5k and said that they wanted that to cover my dress and that whatever was left over could be used towards whatever we wanted.

They asked us that in exchange we would invite 2 couples who are their closest friends. As they are my godparents I wouldn’t have dreamed of not inviting them so it was a kind of non ask!

MIL made the specific request that she would like to pay for the photography but put no limits on who we went with/price but I’m pretty sure we had already told her the quote before she made that offer so I presume the specific offer was because she knew that was in line with the amount she wanted to contribute. She also had a few family members that struggle financially that she paid for their accommodation because she wanted them to come and enjoy the party without worrying about taxis/driving/cabs. We would have covered it if she hadn’t offered because we wanted them there and knew it may be a limitation for them so were prepared when we decided to get married in the town we live in rather than DH’s hometown.

My DH paid for 75% of it my dad gave us 25% - not as a percentage he just gave us an amount and my DH paid the rest. It was a second marriage for him and I was 40.
I think most couple pay a fair amount if not all, with parents on both sides making a contribution or paying for one specific thing (like the dress or the flowers etc).
I think a frank conversation about how much you are willing to contribute needs to be had so they can plan accordingly.
By the way even 30 years ago most couple I know paid for a significant proportion of the wedding themselves. Even my mother and father (who got married in 1958) paid for her own wedding.

I also bought Dds dress it is just something I wanted to do, but I don't think there is expectations any more , my dd and her husband are comfortable they were not 'starting out' and it was their wedding.