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Original poster

Hen do wwyd?

21 replies

DressingGemma · 02/08/2025 11:42

We are planning a medium sized wedding for next year. I’m not one for going ott, I don’t really drink and have no close friends really. For my hen do I was just planning on a spa day for me, 2 DD, mum, sister and mother in law. I know MIL and my Dd would love this and DM and sister would probably prefer this to going out drinking.

I discussed this with DP and he was shocked I was going to pay for everyone (will be about £600 which is a chunk of budget) and he said both mothers and my sister should pay for themselves. Again MIL would be fine with this but I definitely know my mum wouldn’t pay and say it was far too expensive and my sister would struggle as it’s a lot for her. Would you expect them to pay? Or would you cover the cost as it was your idea? I’ve no idea about weddings as I don’t have close female friends or relatives that have married recently. Wwyd?

OP posts:
beetr00 · 02/08/2025 11:57

How refreshing for a bride to suggest paying for her hen do@DressingGemma

"Normally" each hen pays for themselves plus split the cost between each of them for the bride's costs.

I'd take into consideration (because they're all close family) their finances, could they all afford?

Just wondering what your partner is doing for his stag?

OzMumOf3Boys · 02/08/2025 12:05

If you were planing to pay then why not still do this.

Coconutter24 · 02/08/2025 12:14

Depends… is it your money or money that you both have saved?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/08/2025 12:17

My understanding is usually the ‘hens’ pay for the bride, not the other way around. Would your closest family really not be willing to pay £100 for a one off hen-do? If it genuinely is too expensive for your sister to afford maybe offer to pay half, but if the others can afford it I wouldn’t expect to have to pay for them. If your mum really would refuse to pay she doesn’t sound very supportive of you, is she even close enough to warrant being there in that case? You don’t have to invite her just because she is your mum, if she cares about money more than celebrating her own daughter maybe it’s better she stays at home.

Original poster
DressingGemma · 02/08/2025 12:27

It’s money that we’ve both saved. We’ve been together 25 years and have 3 dc so everything joint.

My mother can be difficult but I don’t think I’d want to go without her. My sister would pay but I know it’s a lot of money for her when we could probably afford it more than her. Obviously I’d pay for my teens, my mother in law wouldn’t see it as a problem as she’s quite well off and would just pay for herself but I’d feel awful making her pay for herself but then paying for DM and Dsis and DP would probably be miffed with this too.

He’s going drinking with a small group of mates for his stag which will probably be mainly paid for by his best man and our adult son. He’s similar to me though so don’t see it being a big night out and won’t be as much as this.

OP posts:
TubeScreamer · 02/08/2025 12:27

As this is what you would like to do, and some of those you’d like to be there couldn't afford to pay this, I think you should pay it and make cuts elsewhere with the wedding arrangements. It’s a nice thing to do and a lovely contrast to the OTT hen dos we often read about on MN.

doglover90 · 02/08/2025 13:39

For my hen do we all paid for ourselves (for the meal) and then my friends insisted on buying me drinks all night!

Tablesandchairs23 · 03/08/2025 16:55

If you can afford it do it.

Moellen54 · 03/08/2025 17:00

For my hen do my friends booked a room in a small hotel and we had a lovely afternoon tea with prosecco. My MOH took me to get my hair and nails done first then we had a lovely afternoon playing silly games and using the photo booth

Newmumburnout · 03/08/2025 17:05

I think if you can afford to its a lovely gesture. As you say your closest family can't afford it so you would not feel great asking them to pay. You sound like your saving a fortune on the wedding anyway going for a fairly small one and also on all the alcohol ect that would have been a cost on a weekend / night out. We don't treat each other very often I find so I think go for it !! It's so nice to treat others and it's clearly what you want to do.

Pipsquiggle · 03/08/2025 17:10

When I have been on hen parties I have paid for myself.
The bride pays for herself and dependents.

At my hen do, I paid for a round of drinks for everyone, I also paid for my sister as she was skint.

I think the spa day sounds great. I think those that can afford it should pay and if you want to subsidize others, that's also fine.

It all sounds very sensible

Aaaallthefood · 03/08/2025 17:16

Where I’m from, usually the hens pay for themselves and a share of the cost for the bride, however, could there be a compromise for you? You agree to pay half at £300 and the remainder is shared between the other 5, so £60 each? But that would mean that you/ DP would likely need to put the extra £120 in for your DDs..

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 03/08/2025 17:25

I'd say it's totally up to you because it's your wedding/hen. A spa day is a lovely idea and helps you relax with all the wedding stress going on! However, the hens i have organised for friends, I've ensured we all cover the hen so there's no cost for the bride. My hens/friends all paid for my dinner and drinks on my hen do, however I also did a spa day for myself, mum and bridesmaids and we all just paid for ourselves and nobody treated me. I also took all my bridesmaids out for lunch and paid for everyone when we went bridal shopping. So you can do what you want! If your husband is shocked and doesn't want to pay, and it's shared savings, could you perhaps treat your mum and sister as you want them there and they won't pay, but ask everyone else to pay for it themselves? Or would that cause awkwardness if it came out? My mum (for example) is well off whereas my SiL isn't, and I've had things where my husband and I cover costs for SiL but not my parents, as otherwise she wouldn't be able to come and nobody minds. Or you cover a set amount and they split the rest fairly between them.... or you tell your husband it's important to you and you want to treat them.

CarpetKnees · 03/08/2025 17:45

TubeScreamer · 02/08/2025 12:27

As this is what you would like to do, and some of those you’d like to be there couldn't afford to pay this, I think you should pay it and make cuts elsewhere with the wedding arrangements. It’s a nice thing to do and a lovely contrast to the OTT hen dos we often read about on MN.

I agree with this.

It doesn't matter what other people do, or what might be traditional.
If you want to do an expensive thing that is going to make at least two of the people you share it with, uncomfortable, then I think it is lovely that you are willing to cover the costs.
As you say, you will be paying for 3 of you anyway, then really you are only asking about £300, not £600. You want your Mum and sister there, so it seems right to pay for it all and just consider it part of the cost of the wedding.

I hope you all have a lovely time.

latetothefisting · 03/08/2025 17:50

normally the hens pay for the bride not the other way around. I think it would be a bit shit of your mum to not pay if she can afford it but just 'thinks it's too expensive.' If you went out for drinks or food presumably she wouldn't expect you to pay for her meal.

I'd understand if you were suggesting something she wouldn't like doing or that was really expensive, but if she'd actually prefer it to a 'traditional' drinking sesh then it's a bit petty to refuse. By the time you take into account food, drink, outfits, transport there and back they'd probably spend not far off the same £100 on a 'night out' hen anyway.

It's up to you. If you want them there and they won't come otherwise then you'll have to pay but most people, unless they were on the bones of their arse, would be happy to fork out for a sibling/daughter for something they'd enjoy themselves too.

Mayismymonth · 03/08/2025 17:51

Sounds a really good idea.If you want to chip in, have you thought about perhaps paying half for everyone? Xx

Sgreenpy · 03/08/2025 19:38

If you want to pay for them, then pay. Its £600 not £6k.
Hen night 'paying' can be complex - in depends on the group etc.
I went on a hen do to a cocktail masterclass with we each paid for in advance, then for a meal which again we were expecting to pay for (and a share of the hens), in fact the MOB paid for the whole meal - quietly and without fuss. It was a lovely gesture and very unexpected.

user2848502016 · 03/08/2025 19:55

I’d expect them to pay but also it’s really up to you, if you can afford it and want to treat them why not

Isitreallysohard · 03/08/2025 19:56

What if you pay for half or a specific treatment? You could run the costs past first to see if everyone is keen. The other option is not to have one, they're not compulsory

JRM17 · 03/08/2025 22:56

Wow that's weird, every hen doo I've ever been to (7) everyone has paid for themselves and at 5 of them we also chipped in to cover the bride.

autienotnaughty · 04/08/2025 05:53

What if you paid for you and dds (£300) your mil paid full and you paid half of your mum n sis and just don’t discuss who’s paying what?

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