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Original poster

Not in the wedding party

22 replies

irishmumoftwo · 29/06/2025 19:20

My brother is getting married after a long 28 year courtship. Small wedding, only 40 guests. We only see him and my future sister-in-law a couple of times a year, as she lives far away. She didn’t trust any of my husbands very loud friends to be the best man, so he asked my husband who was very surprised, as he feels he hardly knows him. Then she rang and asked if my kids would be ring bearers. She said there were no bridesmaids, but so have discovered her two sisters are (fair enough). This leaves me on my own at the wedding. I have never met most of the people at it. The rehearsal is this week and says ‘wedding party’ only. Hubby says I am being over sensitive and should attend the rehearsal to be with the kids (12 and 13) I just feel a bit hurt that I am not part of it at all. Not even to do a reading in the church. When they got together I was in my late teens and have known her the longest. I am excited to finally have a sister-in-law. Do you think I am being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Notreallyme27 · 29/06/2025 19:27

I think you should take a step back. I wouldn’t expect an intimate wedding of an older couple to have a bevy of bridesmaids. In fact having two much older bridesmaids seems a bit weird. What other position in the wedding party do you think you should take? Page boy? Mother of the Bride? It’s their wedding, not yours. You’re a guest, just enjoy the day!

Original poster
irishmumoftwo · 29/06/2025 19:45

Lol! Not at all. Just maybe a reading. I suppose I’m just having a bit of a panic about being on my own. Thank you.

OP posts:
Notreallyme27 · 29/06/2025 19:47

irishmumoftwo · 29/06/2025 19:45

Lol! Not at all. Just maybe a reading. I suppose I’m just having a bit of a panic about being on my own. Thank you.

Can you ask them if your DCs can sit with you rather than at the top table? Are you the only guests from your brother’s side of the family?

Original poster
irishmumoftwo · 29/06/2025 19:51

Yes, just us. My parents are both too ill to attend. I think the kids get to be with me after all the photos etc.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 29/06/2025 19:52

I think the deeper issue is about being "in a panic" about being on your own - that's really not what I would expect from a competent adult. Why do you think this is a problem? It's a small wedding, so you'll almost certainly be sitting with people you know. You won't be at a table for one (although I'd quite like that - I could get my book out 😂).

HiRen · 29/06/2025 19:53

I never cease to be amazed by people who make other people’s weddings about them. How has it occurred to you that you have no official role? Doing a reading or being a moh or best man or bridesmaid aren’t signifiers of anything to me. Weddings routinely happen without any of those positions being filled.

Anyway, if you feel upset by this why don’t you tell your brother that you’d like to do a reading?

Arlanymor · 29/06/2025 19:54

I'd enjoy the lack of stress of not being involved with the wedding party frankly - you just get to enjoy yourself! Do you usually have issues being by yourself? That seems to be more the issue here.

Original poster
irishmumoftwo · 29/06/2025 19:57

I actually don’t know anyone except for my own family. Used to be confident- went to a friend’s wedding on my own- not sure what happened to me!I’m sure I’ll be introduced to people and all will be fine. Quite like the book idea!! 😂

OP posts:
TheShadowOfTheWizard · 29/06/2025 20:00

Cynic17 · 29/06/2025 19:52

I think the deeper issue is about being "in a panic" about being on your own - that's really not what I would expect from a competent adult. Why do you think this is a problem? It's a small wedding, so you'll almost certainly be sitting with people you know. You won't be at a table for one (although I'd quite like that - I could get my book out 😂).

Fairly rude.

Poonu · 29/06/2025 20:01

OP I would love to sit alone and be totally emersed in the wedding of my DB who waited nearly 3 decades. Rather than being concerned about being a bridesmaid.

Bluebonnet3 · 29/06/2025 20:15

Your immediate family including under age children are in the wedding party, so I would say you are default invited to the rehearsal dinner (and rehearsal beforehand, if you like).

At the dinner you could make an effort to get to know some of the others who are likely to be ‘wedding party adjacent’, if you are worried about being alone for periods of the wedding day.

I don’t expect they are intentionally excluding you, so just join in. I would also sit in the same row as your ring bearer kids, even if it’s ‘wedding party’ row.

In case of a faulty wedding reception seating plan (as in, you aren’t shown to be sitting with your family), I would add an extra chair to the family table and sit in it with your family. No need to bother anyone about it, just do it. :-)

JadeVS72 · 29/06/2025 20:21

I am sure it will be lovely. Don't you have other relatives or know friends of your brother's who won't be in the wedding party? My husband was a groomsman for my DB when I was 6 months pregnant so he was in the wedding party and I wasn't. I had a lovely time helping out the photographer and talking to everyone and making sure my SiL was ok and just being very pregnant and being fussed over too 😆 I wouldn't stress at all!

TheCurious0range · 29/06/2025 20:26

My brother is getting married this year, I've known the bride for more than 20 years including when she moved into my parents house. I'm not in the wedding and I'm absolutely fine with that! We're not friends, I don't mean that unkindly we get on just fine but if we meet up it's with the children, we're not social friends outside of the family connection. They've asked DS to be a page boy which is lovely.

When we got married I had my niece as a flower girl but neither my brother or soon to be SIL were in the wedding. My dad is walking her down the aisle, her family situation is complex, I couldn't be happier for her to have my dad, a friend asked if I was upset as I was his daughter and he should only walk me down the aisle. It hadn't even occurred to me! He hasn't got a finite number of steps he might use up! People are too sensitive about weddings.

GoldDuster · 29/06/2025 20:32

You won't be on your own. You'll be at a wedding with 40 other people, as a guest. Try not to overthink this.

pontivex · 29/06/2025 21:00

How will you be on your own? Your kids will be with you all day? Ring bearers hand over a ring during the service and that’s it, they don’t walk around with the B&G all day and don’t sit on the top table.

waltzingparrot · 29/06/2025 23:36

There's bound to be someone else looking a bit lost on their own, just stand next to them and sort of adopt them for the day. Just chat about how they know your brother, where they live etc. You're unlikely to see them again anyway.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 29/06/2025 23:40

Learn the art of conversation. Ask people how they know the bride and groom and take it from there. It will be great and you'll probably learn loads about your brother and new SIL. People generally like to talk, so all you really need to do is listen.

pontivex · 30/06/2025 04:13

pontivex · 29/06/2025 21:00

How will you be on your own? Your kids will be with you all day? Ring bearers hand over a ring during the service and that’s it, they don’t walk around with the B&G all day and don’t sit on the top table.

And the best man doesn’t follow the B&G all day. He may be at a different table when eating but he’ll be with you the rest of the day. Best man’s family usually get to sit close to the wedding party in the ceremony too especially if you have the ring bearers too.

Poonu · 30/06/2025 20:57

Bluebonnet3 · 29/06/2025 20:15

Your immediate family including under age children are in the wedding party, so I would say you are default invited to the rehearsal dinner (and rehearsal beforehand, if you like).

At the dinner you could make an effort to get to know some of the others who are likely to be ‘wedding party adjacent’, if you are worried about being alone for periods of the wedding day.

I don’t expect they are intentionally excluding you, so just join in. I would also sit in the same row as your ring bearer kids, even if it’s ‘wedding party’ row.

In case of a faulty wedding reception seating plan (as in, you aren’t shown to be sitting with your family), I would add an extra chair to the family table and sit in it with your family. No need to bother anyone about it, just do it. :-)

I don't like this

Poonu · 30/06/2025 20:58

@TheCurious0range what a beautiful sentiment.

EWAB · 01/07/2025 18:31

Do not turn up to The Rehearsal Dinner without an invitation. Check with BiL and SiL first.

If you’re so shy you can’t cope with sitting without someone you know for a couple of hours at a wedding where everyone will be friendly you would be mortified turning up at The Rehearsal Dinner and you’re not expected.

Ask them first.

Bleachedlevis · 01/07/2025 19:17

I haven’t read the full thread but my immediate reaction is ‘Don’t be such a soft arse’. Get over yourself.

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