Parents or not?

[Yummymummy456]

I am getting married soon and was planning on having a very small wedding of Bride, Groom and 2 kids. This is what me and my finance have always said we would do, as we don’t want a fuss, hate being centre of attention and also didn’t want to spend a fortune. We both love our parents but if we invited them I would then feel guilty on siblings not being invited, so we decided not to.
Now I am feeling maybes I should have invited parents, as they are my mam and dad. Has anyone else got married without parents there, and regretted it? I really don’t know what to do!
I have asked my parents if they would be bothered if we did it without them, and they said no, just do what we want to do. But then are they telling me the truth!

there’s small and there’s what you’re doing
unless there’s a back story don’t think your parents would be super upset about not being at your wedding?
It is up to you - it’s your day but you’re questioning it

No, there’s no back story. We all get on, no one has fallen out. They say they aren’t bothered, I know they would rather we spent the money on something useful rather than spending it all on one day. I just don’t want to regret anything. We thought having a small wedding would get us out of having to make difficult decisions too… obviously not 😂

Personally even if I was having a tiny wedding, my parents would be the most important people to be there, after the person I was marrying of course! And you will need adult witnesses. Different if there is some big back story of them being awful people who would upset you on the day, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case? The fact that they said you should do what you want to do, makes it sound to me like they are lovely people putting your needs ahead of their own wishes. I bet they are disappointed though. Thinking ahead a few years, I’d be gutted if my DC didn’t want me at their wedding. Having them there doesn’t have to turn it into a massive fuss, but it is nice to be there to mark a major life milestone. And it should be an occasion for joys.

You are clearly conflicted about this. I guess that’s because there’s no way to completely avoid making difficult decisions, as having a small wedding is a difficult decision in itself. My feeling is if you originally felt you would be happy to get married without your parents then chances are you are happy to to that and wouldn’t regret it. Only you can know. I would focus on how you feel now because that’s all you can do. No-one knows how they might feel about things in 20 years time.

It's by the by now because I'm divorced and it was during covid, but exh got married just the two of us and if anyone did have a grumble they soon got over it.

I paid for a professional photographer so they could all see and print off photos, that helped a lot.

I can’t imagine for a second wanting to get married without my parents in attendance. Or my sibling.
If you have only absolute immediate family come how many does it add? For me it would have only been an extra 6 people.
I can’t really see how having those very few people come is going to make it cost loads of money either?

Unless they’ve done something awful, invite your parents (and probably siblings). They are likely to be devastated by what you’re planning, even if they keep a happy face on for you.

There’s tiny wedding then there’s yours! I could not imagine getting married without my parents, and my sisters. But I know my DH would have been fine without his and more so his brothers who he was not particularly close to.
I think a registry office then a nice lunch would be great, and not that much money. But do what you truly wish to do. But I bet your parents will want to acknowledge and celebrate it at some point.

My mother was sad when my brother did this.

She smiled and did not act upset to them - or they would have bad memories of their day.
I would have to have parents, and siblings.

I'd be gutted as a mum.

If you don't have them at the ceremony then please have a special family meal with parents and siblings to celebrate

I feel really bad reading all of these comments now. We just feel like we would enjoy the day more if it was just the 4 of us, more relaxed, no awkwardness, no having to act differently. We aren’t one for showing affection in public either. If we could have just been married when we got engaged we would have loved that, to not even have to have a wedding. We just want to be married without having to do anything.
If we invited parents and siblings, there would be 15 of us, which I would be hating life the whole time!
We do have a photographer booked, I think we will literally be doing wedding things for 2/3 hours, then we will probs get changed into normal clothes and go off and explore the area. We are just private people I think. We’ve already had a few huge weddings in the family, 2 of which have already got divorced! Over £15,000 was spent at both which is an awful amount of money to just throw away.
We have spoke about whether we would be upset if our DC got married without us and we aren’t particularly bothered, I would love to be there but at the end of the day, it’s up to them.
Maybes I already know what I truly want but needed to speak about it to confirm it.

Why would being with your parents and siblings be awkward? Do you not ever all get together? 15 people is a very small gathering.
You must do what makes you happy but it’s just not something I understand at all. As a mother I’d be heart broken to not be wanted at my child’s wedding.

I disagree with everyone here - you should do what you truly want, and if that’s just you and your kids and no parents, then that’s the right thing to do. You clearly don’t want a wedding, and I totally get it - everything about weddings gives me the mega ick but my partner and I will get married for visa reasons. We’re going to do the registry office with two random witnesses because to us it’s no different to signing a mortgage agreement or a job contract. It’s a practicality. It certainly isn’t the biggest day of my life or even up there in the top 10 most significant moments and my parents won’t be there. I get on with them fine, but I don’t want any sense of occasion and I know they absolutely respect that. Why not just take your parents at face value when they say do what you want to do? I really don’t understand people’s fuss and desperation to be at their adult child’s wedding when said adult doesn’t want a wedding! It’s not a snub if there’s no occasion to begin with.

See I really don’t understand this attitude - what if your child absolutely, fundamentally did not want a wedding?

I think only you can judge how your parents would feel about it.

We did parents and siblings, but mainly because DH's mum would have been upset otherwise (plus he wanted her there!). I don't think my parents would have been fussed either way, they're just not that into weddings (mum is an old school feminist and always said she only married my dad because the university wouldn't let them live together if they were unmarried!)

Aren't you getting married in a registry office.
that is the purpose of a ' wedding ' to be married.

15 people becomes a crowd.

If your parents have said they don't mind, listen to their words and take them at their word.

Well if they don’t want a wedding then it’s not an issue cos they’re not getting married are they? Even a registry office with just two witnesses is wedding. Just a very small one. I don’t think it’s weird or unusual to want to be there for all your child’s important milestones in life.Choosing a life partner is one of the most important things we do. I would want to be there to celebrate this huge step in her life. Just as I was there for the first day of school, the first day at university or a first job, there for the first heartbreak. There for all the sports days and birthdays and hospital appointments. Being there matters to me.
I don’t care if it’s a 100 person all bells and whistles wedding or just family down the pub. I’d want to be there.
People do different things. This is want I would want.

So if your child disagreed that it was an important milestone and didn’t want any guests, including you, would you respect that?

Like I said, my “wedding” will be purely a practicality done with gritted teeth (if it weren’t for plans to move abroad I’d much prefer to not marry) and holds about as much significance to me as putting the bins out. If your child felt similarly would you expect them to override that and invite you anyway?

OP, you will need 2 adult witnesses, so your parents could fill that role. If you have (all 4?) parents, that's still not many people. But I don't understand why you think inviting your parents means you have to ask your siblings too?
Ultimately, do whatever you want. You just need it to be legal - anything else is your choice.

I’m in a very similar situation OP. There is nothing significant to me in a wedding and I am not choosing a life partner. I chose the life partner decades ago, we just have to get married because the tax system is stuck in the dark ages. Being married has nothing to do with having or finding a life partner. You can marry a stranger or get divorced in the morning.

I have the problem that the person I am marrying would love to have a massive white wedding with all the patriarchal bells and whistles and everyone they’ve ever met there. I’d prefer to do it one wet Tuesday with random witnesses and not tell anyone.

If my DC didn’t invite me over to watch them apply for car insurance, sign a mortgage document, make a will, I wouldn’t be sad. I would pop round to see their first house but I wouldn’t insist on dressing up, going round on the day they got the keys, having a photoshoot and crying over their life milestone.

For us if we invite one we have to invite them all and the logistics of that is outrageous, even though I have no living parents if we did just parents and siblings etc it would be 16 people which is huge! And I can think of so many more things id rather do if we were all getting together.

Similar sentiments to a PP - we held it in such regard as putting the bins out. Been together for ages, didn't want a fuss or the huge expense, hugely aware both sets of parents wouldn't enjoy each others' company (and by extension would make for a terribly stressful day for us). In the end we opted for a civil partnership with a couple of friends as witnesses. We actually haven't told any immediate family - noone has asked! Hopefully when they do it's now been quite a while there's nothing anyone can get upset over.

I am not married and think I would also be tempted by this if we were to do it, for the same reasons (very private and, while you don't say it, potentially quite easily overwhelmed by other personalities).

However, I've recently arranged a funeral and it did make me think differently about rites and ceremony and bearing witness. So now I would think of a wedding less as the ultimate expression of my relationship in a private and romantic sense but as an event in the history of both families.

You clearly feel conflicted about this, if you give up on the idea that inviting your parents means that you need to invite your siblings does it make you feel any differently about it?

I removed to Vegas and got married without anyone including parents. Best decision I ever made. It was exactly as we wanted.

Parents were absolutely fine about it and I've never regretted it.

Eloped!