Dreading my daughter's wedding because my Dad hasn't spoken to my brother and sister in 30 years

[Motheroffive999]

The wedding is in August.
My daughter is understandably stressed about her wedding , she thought that I had invited my Dad and Step Mother to the wedding , but as my daughter and FDIL are in their 30s and paying for the wedding , I assumed they had invited all the family they wanted to the wedding, they are doing all the preparation themselves.She thought I had invited my father , I hadn't .
So she sent him an invitation yesterday.
The problem is that there are several close family members including my brother and sister that he fell out with 30 years ago and their children he has never met.
My father is difficult to get along with , he is 80 , grumpy and can be unkind , he treated my mother terribly, affairs and lies, which he says he deeply regrets and cannot change what has happened etc.
He has no filter and I am now absolutely dreading the wedding , my husband will be keeping an eye on things and will ask him to leave should anything happen.
My daughter says there is nobody that she can sit him with at the wedding and him and his wife will have to have a table to themselves.
Please advise me , I cannot sleep and I am in the middle of it.

Why is he even coming?! Why did your DD invite him
sadly it’s down now and short of withdrawing the invite you’ll have to manage the situation
I don’t think it should be your DH but a good friend of yours that could escort him out (why should your DH have this at your DD’s wedding)
is his wife a reasonable person?

Has he deffo got the invite? Can it be withdrawn

Why did she invite him?

The only people sending invites to their wedding are the bride and groom. Why would they think you’d send out invites, that seems strange.

Wonder what’s brought the idea of inviting them now anyway. Does she see them? Has the groom met them?

My cousin got married and I did not receive an invitation which was fine because I was not that concerned. When my mum got there the bride asked her where I was. She assumed that I knew I was invited but no one actually thought to tell me any of that. Weird. Anyway… back to your issue. Someone is going to have to take one for the team and volunteer to babysit him and his wife during the meal at least. This is a job for an usher probably. This is what happened at my wedding when my divorced parents were due to see each other after a period of bad blood. Thankfully I did not have a seating plan so they could avoid each other but someone was poised to handle any fall outs.

Why would she think you invited him??

Either way, I assume he can’t be uninvited now. Will he definitely come?
I don’t think she can put them on a table by themselves, that would look quite odd and if he’s outspoken it might cause more of an issue if he’s not happy about it. Are there cousins he can be put with?

This is bizarre.

Does she have any relationship with him or is she close with her grandma?

Ultimately it's her choice and you should support her in that.

If she only invited him because of you and doesnt want him there it's worth asking yourself why she felt the need to do this and support her in uninviting him so the arsehole doesnt try and ruin her wedding.

It sounds like a disaster in the making, made worse by his and his wife sitting at a table on their own. If he's the type of man you say he is, isn't he going to kick off?

I'd withdraw the invite and deal with the consequences.

FIL and his SIL hadn’t spoken for over 20 years but both had a warning from my intended that if there was any aggro they would be asked to leave.
They both behaved perfectly and were civil to each other all day.
Cant DD issue some sort of warning like that? I think it would be rude to stick them on their own though, they at least need to be on a table mixed in with other guests, if not family.

Honestly, I know how hard it is. My family have life long feuds as well.

However- it isn’t your problem. You don’t have to sit with him. You don’t have to look after him. You don’t have to make sure he has a good time.

Stay away from him. Tell your brother and sister to stay away from him.

You don’t have to manage this situation. It isn’t your fault, it isn’t yours to fix.

You don’t have to assume responsibility for it.

I'd fully agree with the other comments OP that this wasn't your decision and you're not the one who has to deal with the consequences of it. And I'd make that very very clear to your DD. There comes a time when your children need to feel the consequences of their actions, and I'd say this is the perfect time. What on earth was your DD thinking......

His wife reminds me on Camilla , she knows how to manage him , if he was coming alone I would worry more.

I think the bit people are keen to understand more is this bit rather than details about his wife's excellent handler skills

Why is he even coming?! Why did your DD invite him?

He's 80 - he might not stay for too long (hopefully), thereby minimising the potential for unpleasantness.

Bride and bride, in this case.

Are there not other elderly relatives preferably deaf ones he can be sat with? Someone needs to be delegated to make sure he doesn’t get a chance to get drunk if that’s likely to be a problem. I’d seriously consider hiring an agency health care assistant and paying that person to pose as a guest, sit at the table with him and generally keep an eye on him. My F-I-l was a grumpy old so and so, but got on marvellously with a male carer in his last couple of years, such a sweet chap who would take him out on trips for coffee and cake and short walks. He still visits M-I-l a year after Fil died.
And tell your brother and sister to just forget the past for the day, slap on a smile and do their part supporting you and helping to make the day a success. Lots of 80year olds are grumpy. Just ignore and let it pass. Pretend you haven’t heard and offer another cup of tea. Go and get the tea even if he declined. A welcome short break to take a few deep breaths and slap that smile back on.
Try not to worry, look forward to the occasion and have a lovely happy family day.

Could you gently threaten him? 😂 like “don’t ruin my daughter’s wedding over your petty feuds please Dad or you’ll have one more child to fall out with…” kinda thing?

Can you and your husband have a friendly word with her early on on the day of the wedding and say that you don’t want any trouble

Everyone has to literally zone him out. No one can create a fuss if no one reacts. Seat him on a table with the brides best friends, with strict instructions to ignore all comments.