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I haven't a clue about weddings - where do you start?

15 replies

LoveBeingAMum555 · 04/05/2025 16:03

My son is getting married next year and my daughter in law to be wants me to be involved in the planning, which is lovely. However, I haven't been to a wedding for about 15 years and I am struggling to help make decisions or come up with suggestions. I really haven't got a clue!

Where do I start? Are there websites or magazines that I should be reading? Can anyone give me some top tips for getting up to date so that I don't feel so completely out of my depth.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 04/05/2025 16:09

That’s good she wants you to be involved, but to what extent? She may just want a sounding board? Or give you tasks to do. Don’t just go off on your own 😂 talk to her first about what help she wants.

IDontLikePinaColadas · 04/05/2025 18:00

First off work out the guest list - no point in looking at venues until you know how many people they are inviting. Too many times I know of couples who fell in love with a venue only to realise it couldn’t accommodate the number of people they wanted when they finally put their list together.

Re venues - is it being used for the ceremony as well? If so check it has a licence or arrange for a legal ceremony elsewhere. Also does it have somewhere that the bride can get ready/have make up checked/quiet space after the ceremony with your son - might not be necessary but it’s nice to have.

Check on when you have access - depending on the level of decor getting in on the day may not give enough time. And when is chucking out time - if they want to go on later you usually have to pay for an extension.

Note that venue wedding coordinators are not wedding planners - they are there for the interests of the venue not to help you plan or deal with external suppliers - ie if the DJ is late that’s not their problem to solve.

Catering - the venue may have in-house catering but be aware that they can be very inflexible as to what you have can (ie 3 course sit down only, etc). Some venues may be “dry hire” where you can bring in your own caterers or ones they have approved which can be great and gives more flexibility but may also cost more as they might need to bring in kitchen equipment/tables/chairs etc. Insist that you have a tasting whichever one you go for, including wines.

Speaking of booze - most venues/caterers will allow you to bring your own in but will likely charge corkage. Discuss this with them and see which works best.

Sound & AV - is the venue set up for speeches/DJ/dancing etc? Many have this on site but you might need to bring it in - the venue will be able to help you with this usually.

Some venues may insist that you use their preferred suppliers for catering/AV/florals - just be aware of this if the couple want to use anyone specific.

Send Save the Dates sooner rather than later! And start the table plan as early as possible - I recommend starting with everyone invited and then removing people - I’ve had couples doing theirs at 3am the night before before their wedding not realising how tricky it can be. My Perfect Table Plan is a great site for managing this and the guest list as a whole.

Hitched is a great website for tips as well as for finding suppliers. The Knot is great for wedding websites.

If the budget allows I would recommend getting an “on the day” planner (depending on how complicated things are obviously). Usually you hand everything over to them a couple of weeks before and they then manage everything - ticking off those last few bits and ensuring it all runs smoothly on the day so that everyone can enjoy the wedding.

I hope this helps a little and my best advice is to take it step by step - get the big ticket items in place and then the fun bits start.

IReallyLoveItHere · 04/05/2025 18:02

Just ask her how you can help.

Google planning a wedding so you know the steps and can guide her but don't start researching dresses and flowers unless she asks.

Fair chance she wants to ask your opinion on her ideas.

londongirl12 · 04/05/2025 18:04

IDontLikePinaColadas · 04/05/2025 18:00

First off work out the guest list - no point in looking at venues until you know how many people they are inviting. Too many times I know of couples who fell in love with a venue only to realise it couldn’t accommodate the number of people they wanted when they finally put their list together.

Re venues - is it being used for the ceremony as well? If so check it has a licence or arrange for a legal ceremony elsewhere. Also does it have somewhere that the bride can get ready/have make up checked/quiet space after the ceremony with your son - might not be necessary but it’s nice to have.

Check on when you have access - depending on the level of decor getting in on the day may not give enough time. And when is chucking out time - if they want to go on later you usually have to pay for an extension.

Note that venue wedding coordinators are not wedding planners - they are there for the interests of the venue not to help you plan or deal with external suppliers - ie if the DJ is late that’s not their problem to solve.

Catering - the venue may have in-house catering but be aware that they can be very inflexible as to what you have can (ie 3 course sit down only, etc). Some venues may be “dry hire” where you can bring in your own caterers or ones they have approved which can be great and gives more flexibility but may also cost more as they might need to bring in kitchen equipment/tables/chairs etc. Insist that you have a tasting whichever one you go for, including wines.

Speaking of booze - most venues/caterers will allow you to bring your own in but will likely charge corkage. Discuss this with them and see which works best.

Sound & AV - is the venue set up for speeches/DJ/dancing etc? Many have this on site but you might need to bring it in - the venue will be able to help you with this usually.

Some venues may insist that you use their preferred suppliers for catering/AV/florals - just be aware of this if the couple want to use anyone specific.

Send Save the Dates sooner rather than later! And start the table plan as early as possible - I recommend starting with everyone invited and then removing people - I’ve had couples doing theirs at 3am the night before before their wedding not realising how tricky it can be. My Perfect Table Plan is a great site for managing this and the guest list as a whole.

Hitched is a great website for tips as well as for finding suppliers. The Knot is great for wedding websites.

If the budget allows I would recommend getting an “on the day” planner (depending on how complicated things are obviously). Usually you hand everything over to them a couple of weeks before and they then manage everything - ticking off those last few bits and ensuring it all runs smoothly on the day so that everyone can enjoy the wedding.

I hope this helps a little and my best advice is to take it step by step - get the big ticket items in place and then the fun bits start.

But this is all stuff the bride and groom will be doing.

Op, please speak to them first before you go steaming in. Or we’ll likely see a post soon saying a MIL is being over bearing with wedding planning 😂

Scottishskifun · 04/05/2025 18:07

It's lovely that she wants you to be involved but I would clarify on what level she wants you to be involved!

There is a big difference between helping write out invitations and maybe make centre pieces to choosing venue, suggesting colour schemes, dresses etc etc.

I would also tread carefully ask her what she wants and what she's thinking.

TURNYOURCAPSLOCKOFF · 04/05/2025 18:10

First things first... Remember it's not your wedding. Don't insist they invite Uncle Cosmo and his kids etc.

Nod and smile and agree with everything she wants.

Atarin · 04/05/2025 18:24

Don’t read anything! Don’t look at any ‘helpful’ websites. Until they decide what sort of wedding they want, don’t let any outside influences affect you. Once they decide on who they want coming, where it’s going to be, then you can help with things such as printing invitations, googling local hotels for people to stay at, cheap flights and local taxis if marrying abroad. Let them tell you what they need help with. Decide how much you want to spend (if any) on their wedding and be clear that it’s a no strings attached sum.

Atarin · 04/05/2025 18:28

Also, make sure you include your son!! I’m sure he is involved, but it sounds like you’re expecting the bride to do it all. I’m sure you’ve not brought your son up to be a back seat skiver! Marriage is a partnership, the wedding is the beginning of that, so it’s vital they are on the same page and going equal work. It sounds flippant, but I’ve witnessed a correlation between brides who have to plan everything and also do the majority of the domestic tasks.

mondaytosunday · 04/05/2025 18:33

I’d ask her specifically how. Does she want you to get the flowers arranged or just help her decide on the colour scheme? Does she want suggestions about venues or just to come along? How well do you get on With her mother? Will you be doing things with her?

Oblomov25 · 04/05/2025 19:29

I don't know why people make it so complicated. If all comes down to money. What's your budget. Can you afford the actual place you want. Everything else comes after.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 04/05/2025 19:57

Thanks all

Just to be absolutely clear I have no intention of taking over, in fact I have said several times that this is their day and it has to be what they both want! I just know absolutely nothing about weddings and got married 30 years ago so when anyone asks my opinions on the details I feel a bit useless.

My son is very much involved and I should have said that they are both asking for my input on things. They have got some firm ideas about the venue and style of wedding, I just want to help where I am asked to contribute, but maybe I am overthinking it.

OP posts:
Jane958 · 06/05/2025 07:45

Some things to consider:

  1. Type of wedding - religious, civil, other?
  2. Wedding Date & Time
  3. Wedding Location - closer to home or further afield?
  4. Wedding Budget - what does this need to cover?
  5. Number of guests - all day or evening only (if they are planning an evening party)
  6. Logistics (coupled with 3. Will guests be able to travel easily/stay overnight, if necessary)
  7. Catering
  8. Entertainment - if required
How lovely that you have been asked to help/advise. Have fun! There are loads of resources, both in print and online, but they do seem to be geared towards the OTT style of wedding.
Coffeeishot · 06/05/2025 17:11

I've done this twice, you don't actually have to do anything unless they ask you to do anything or if they want ideas about venues or flowers or whatever by all means Google and send it to them, if they ask you to go.to a wedding fayre or something if you are free go. Say things are lovely. You will be fine.

Gamu · 23/07/2025 23:30

Might not be something you care about but 6 months before start prepping your skin for the ultimate glow, professional facials and other skin treatments. When the wedding comes you’ll have a natural glow esp with things like skin boosters.

HonestBrickViewer · 24/07/2025 14:21

That’s so lovely that she wants you involved — just being there and willing to help already means a lot! 😊
Weddings have definitely changed a bit, but it all starts with understanding the kind of day they’re imagining — big or small, relaxed or traditional. Once you get a feel for that, it’s easier to know where your input might be most helpful (like invites, outfits, little details, etc).
Honestly, just asking questions and being a calm voice in the mix is such a big support these days. You’re doing great already! 💐

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