Considering family dynamics when getting married

[Reinshs]

Something which had held me back from getting married for a long time was my reluctance to make a decision as to who would attend.

We've spoken about it in the past and I'm getting the feeling my partner is more keen to get married now. I'd love to be married to him and a lot of me thinks, well who cares about anyone else!? This is our day.

Ok so here are the problems -

My parents and his don't get on, not a huge problem but perhaps uncomfortable

My parents have been separated for 20 years but my mum and stepmum have never met due to the initial feelings my mum had. As time's gone on it just feels like it would now be so awkward.

We don't have a big circle of friends so these dynamics would be even more obvious and tricky to manage.

I'd truly only invite my mum if I could but everyone else would find this v. upsetting.

Any advice? I'm sure many others have had to deal with difficult family dynamics too.

Maybe have a small engagement party with all the family, as a dry run. Keep it in a neutral place that everyone ( including you) can arrive and leave when they like. Only have the family. See what happens. Use this information to work out how the wedding should work.

my best friend had parents who didn’t speak for over 20 years at her wedding. It was hugely stressful for her as it was the first time they had met on the day. They still didn’t speak, but had neutral people ( me and my DH) between them and managing the situation. All passed fine in the end.

Don’t invite your stepmum to spare your mum’s feelings and tell all the parents you expect them to be polite for the day if they want to be there.

Elope.

Coming from someone that changed their whole wedding for other people and it massively backfired on us. Don't do it. Do what makes you happy - they'll get over it!

Honestly with several sets of people who don’t get on I wouldn’t be putting myself through the stress of this and the worry on the day about having to “police” others instead of enjoying my day.
I’d go away and get married quietly then have various celebrations with different sides of the family.
My cousin did this after seeing the behaviour at her older sister’s wedding!

Get married quietly. They can sulk, create drama after they find out but it's not worth the drama you will have to manage on your wedding day at your expense.

Elope. It’ll be a lot less hassle.

Or take two witnesses to the register office and then take them out to dinner afterwards. I wish I'd done it.

Your parents don’t get along with his, but would they actually do anything other than be pleasant and polite on your wedding day? If you don’t want to elope, can’t you tell them to just grow up and smile for some pictures? I’m sure loads of parents of couples aren’t necessarily people who would choose to be friends.

Your step mum - was she involved in the break up of your parents’ marriage in any way? Or did she come after they’d split up? What is your relationship like with her? How long has she been around? If she wasn’t involved in the break up, has been around nearly 20 years and you like her, I’d probably invite her.

I honestly feel that this is the solution I'm leaning too, I guess I wonder which 2.

Just picking up on the point of your mum and step mum not meeting over the last twenty years. I was the step mum in that situation a few years ago. I’d met my DH after he was separated from his first wife and for twelve years there was never a reason for me to meet his ex wife. We always gave her priority for events and birthdays and tried not to get in her way, out of courtesy more than anything. In the run up to the wedding my DSD was concerned about how we would get on and how it would all work out and if I’m honest my DH and I were quite tense about it too.

On the day of the wedding it was a complete non event; we saw each other, said hello, hugged and that was it. We had a chance to chat later that day and I made a point of saying goodbye to her when I left. Looking back, it was always going to be that way really. At the end of the day we were two middle aged women out for the day to watch someone we both loved get married. It was very unlikely that we’d end up fighting for supremacy in the venue car park!

Friends rather than family then there's no 'favouritism'.

If you only want to invite your mum, just invite your mum. You don’t owe anyone an invitation.

@Reinshs
Speak to your mum and say what you have said here. Tell her it’s one of the reasons you have put it off.
Then I’d elope or marry with 2 witnesses, who could either be friends if you each have a good friend to invite, or 2 acquaintances if you have lots of different friends and don’t want to choose between them .
You could then celebrate with each part of the family and friends separately by going out for a meal, or drinks or something.

Just two friends who can be available. We chose two friends who both happened to be between jobs, rather than people we were very close to, as we got a cancellation, so only a few days” notice.

Elope and spend the money on a wonderful honeymoon for yourselves. I tied myself in knots for months worrying over tricky family at my wedding and it overshadowed the day as well. Honestly, elope.

Invite all of your friends, foremost.
Your parents will want to attend so much that they will behave with each other. Include a note with their invitation explaining that you are nervous about them all having to be together but you hope that they can manage for just one special day for you,.
Seat your mother near you.
Don't have too much alcohol early on.
Have each parent group host a table - so not seated together.
Explain very clearly to photographer the order of photos and inform your parents that they will be asked to be a couple of photos - so no shocks.
Make it small and simple and enjoy the day.