Hen Do drop out etiquette

[Countingdays]

Morning Mumsnet

I have to drop out of a hen do, for good reason. The bride knows and she is fine, no animosity there!

However it is an expensive hen abroad and everyone's share of payment was calculated based on me attending. I have paid the deposit but haven't sent the rest yet. Some have paid in full already.

It's a few hundred, so splitting my share amongst the rest would probably be £50+ for them and not pennies.

What's the etiquette? My conscience tells me I have to pay for the hen even though I won't be going?

I don’t think you necessarily need to offer to pay the whole amount - I’d expect some of the costs are per person (eg activities/meals out) so bookings can be amended? For other things, eg accommodation if in an Airbnb rather than hotel room, you could say you don’t need the deposit back and hope this can go to these types of costs (ie the fixed costs like accommodation)?

How much notice? They may find someone to take your place. If it’s fairly last minute I’d offer to pay.

I think that if they can’t find someone to fill your spot, and you can afford it I’d pay. When I had to drop of out a hen party last minute I didn’t expect any kind of refund, and I’ve resented being on other hen parties where my costs have gone up due to drop outs. My view is that everyone has committed to sharing the costs when they agreed to join the hen party and it’s not fair for other people to have to pay more than they’d already agreed because of dropouts. Do you have travel insurance to cover the loss?

I think you should lose the deposit and if the accommodation was booked based on you attending you should offer to pay your contribution. Do you have travel insurance and would your reason for not attending be valid (in travel insurance terms)?

Thanks all, it didn't actually occur to me to buy travel insurance. It is still a few months away. I don't actually think that my reason would be covered by insurance anyway.

I do like the suggestion that they could perhaps find someone else to fill my spot. The event is being organised by the MOH so how would you go about writing that text? 😂

I think you will have to pay your part of the accommodation.

I think the likelihood of someone the bride would like to have at her hen weekend stepping up to take your place is pretty slim. If it was someone she wanted and who was available, she’d probably have already invited them!

But it’s worth a punt, and in that case they’d get a discounted trip because you’ve already covered the deposit.

I thought it would have been obvious that you don't get your deposit back but PP seem to disagree.

You can't tell them to find a replacement- that's up to the people who are going. You do need to let them know asap.

it didn't actually occur to me to buy travel insurance. It is still a few months away 😧

I definitely would not ask for the deposit back. Just seeing if there is anything I can do about the remainder of the cost.

But as I originally thought, I should probably pay the rest as it isn't fair.

Yeah I think I’d just have to pay at least some of it so that the others aren’t out of pocket.
Just message the MOH saying you’re sorry to have to drop out, gutted to miss it etc. you’re fine to pay what you owe but if they know of anyone else who’d like to go (and the bride would like there) they are welcome to your spot and don’t have to pay the deposit

I think asking them nicely if there is any way they can find anyone to fill out your spot is a good way to go about it. If there is no animosity, just ask nicely but offer to pay your share of whatever can't be rearranged.

I don't think you still need to offer to pay your share of meals, drinks, etc. Only things that are booked in advance and cannot be cancelled (i.e. accommodation, transportation, pre-booked shows/event tickets, etc.). Meals, drinks and nights out must then be arranged according to their budget with the final number of participants.

Thanks everyone.

I did go back through the messages and it did state that the cost includes activities and food. So I might just say that I'm going to pay so that nobody is out of pocket but if any of the activities or food that they booked can be cancelled and refunded then she can let me know.

this article from Sky may help - looks like there is a company called GoHen.com which help with this sort of thing... https://news.sky.com/story/money-problem-im-organising-a-hen-do-and-someone-has-dropped-out-last-minute-do-i-ask-her-to-pay-13335074

It was all sorted! Got a chunk of cash back for things that were refundable (activities and food), paid for accommodation which was a good compromise