To be completely worn down by my mother

[ThatTwinklyPearlSloth]

Help!

I’ve booked a wedding for August 2026.

As soon as I told my mum I was engaged her reaction was a bit off/lukewarm. “Oh right, okay.”

She proceeded to try to persuade me to get married abroad. I think her and my dad both had worries about expectations to contribute financially. I reassured them multiple times that I didn’t want any contributions from them and they didn’t need to worry. My dad said a wedding isn’t “my idea of a good time”
Since COVID, my parents have completely retreated and to be honest they don’t go out very often at all.

My partner and I found a venue we liked, 5 minutes drive from our house. Nothing fancy and should be easy enough for our family and friends to get there. We should have approx 50 guests.

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is very shy and struggles with self confidence, so I made clear that she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to and if she felt being bridesmaid was too much I wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t want to. I said she could pick her own dress and colour and just find something she felt comfortable in. (My first mistake!) she ordered a lovely dress that looked great on her but it was an extremely dark green. When I saw it I said I loved the dress, looked great but I wasn’t sure on the colour. Could we order the same dress in a lighter shade? My DM absolutely lost it at me “don’t you come round here with a face like that again. You made DS cry the way you looked at her. We can’t go through that again” eventually, we ordered a lighter dress and all is fine.

However, everything about this wedding has been met with nothing but negativity. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a “look at me, I’m in my bride era” and expecting everyone to be as excited as me and I don’t know what I expected from my family, but it’s been awful. Maybe just a little bit of positivity or happiness.

1. DM: “the evening food is very expensive isn’t it” I explained yes, but there are other options - we could hire a pizza van. “Urgh, I won’t be queuing up outside to get a pizza”
2. DM: “what are you going to do about invitations” I explained we were thinking of digital invites to save money. “Bloody hell, that’s a bit cheap isn’t it. I can see we won’t even get one bloody canapé at this wedding.”
3. I told her I thought I’d found a photographer. “photographer?!? Urgh, don’t expect me to have my photo taken. What exactly are you going to do with the photos afterwards anyway?!”

Then the cherry on top, was when I told her that DP has asked me if his sister can be a bridesmaid. She went absolutely mad, shouting, swearing “you’ve f ruined everything. This is f shit. He shouldn’t be asking that of you. You said you only wanted DS” and kept repeating “this isn’t what YOU want” over and over again. I genuinely didn’t mind - if it was important to him, I get on well with his sister so I didn’t think it was a problem he asked.

Anyway, she then went on a long winded rant about several things she can’t forget that DP has done. She brought up every argument we’ve had over the three years we’ve been together (stupidly - if I’ve been upset I’ve told her) but honestly, the arguments are nothing beyond what every couple disagrees about. She said she doesn’t think he’s good enough and she “can’t forget some of the things he’s done.”
She had me absolutely sobbing in tears, and all I could say really was “why are you doing this now?!” But she still wanted to go wedding dress shopping at the weekend which just seemed a total contradiction to everything she’s said. I cancelled the bridal appointment and we’ve not really spoken since. I’m absolutely heartbroken about it all. My wedding plans feel ruined and I don’t want to share anything with my mum going forward.

DP is considering cancelling the wedding and just going away the two of us to do it. Neither of us can stand this for 18 months. What would you do?

I’ve thought for some time that DM might have some underlying issues as she’s always been incredibly controlling and worries about everything in minute detail. I feel sad as I’m so envious of friends who can say “my mum is my best friend” whilst my mum just seems hell bent on ruining what should be a happy time.

Sounds like you’re telling her too much. You shouldn’t be sharing details of arguememts and stop telling her about your wedding plans.

How often do you see her? Is she normally so negative?

I’m with her on your sister’s bridemaid dress btw.

Why do you have to cancel? Can’t you just stop telling her all of the details?

My first wedding my mother planned the whole thing. I essentially just turned up on the day.
My second... well she hated my partner, refused to acknowledge our relationship, and told me she didn't want to know when I attempted to tell her we were getting married. So we just went and got on with organising our day in the way we wanted. It's your day. Not hers. Do what you want and don't tell her any of the details or seek her approval. She's going to find fault with whatever you come up with.

My mother was like this.

Was angry at not being involved enough, then we invited her to the food tasting and cake tasting (two separate events) she sat with a face like thunder the whole time.

Developed a mushroom allergy as soon as we told her the menu, so she'd just have to have a steak pie specially made. Luckily our venue had a general kitchen so could accommodate.

OP weddings and wedding planning just brings out the worst in people. They want a say but don't want to contribute. Why are you sitting so and so next to so and so. How come you haven't invited my cousin you've not seen since you were 3? Will any of the family in Australia get an invite?

The list goes on and on.

Do what makes you happy.

I think ide be tempted to bugger off and do it, sod the lot of them! Already putting a cloud over a day that should be happy. Why should you make everyone else happy at the cost of your happiness anytime, but on your one special day, nope 👎

Sorry, but your family the ones you have mentioned sound like a complete and utter nightmare!! If I was you I would elope. To hell with them they don't deserve to be there.

Cancel the wedding and go away!

Goodness gracious. This all sounds so awful.

If I were you I’d be tempted to scrap the whole idea. Have a registry office wedding with a couple of randomers as witnesses. Go straight off on a wonderful holiday/ honeymoon.

#TeamDH and running away together. Spend your budget on a brilliant honeymoon.

and take this as a sign that you are now a grownup and really don’t need your mothers approval. Hurrah.

Elope. You're not going to please her, whatever you do, so please yourself.

How are doing op? I realise this thread is a few months old. Fwiw, it sounds like your mum has behaved appallingly.

Thanks for the replies!

I’m doing okay although the relationship with my mum is still very strained😢 it’s hard to come back from. DP hasn’t seen her since. I don’t know what I imagined getting engaged to be like, but it wasn’t this. I suppose I just feel so sad that I can’t have a “normal” family and them just be happy for me and look forward to the prospect of a wedding.

We haven’t spoken about the wedding in weeks but when I told her we were thinking of cancelling she said “don’t do that” she then proceeded to tell me the whole thing was my fault because I’ve “told her too much” and from now on she doesn’t want to know anything so she won’t ask and I shouldn’t tell her. The arguments I mentioned to her involved some broken pots and DP buying an ice bath whilst we were mid- renovating our home - nothing catastrophic!! Apparently I always said I wanted a wedding abroad and she was concerned I was being pushed into something I didn’t want to do.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting on mine and mums relationship over the last few weeks. She is and always has been manipulative and prefers to have ultimate control. I think a lot of this is due to her feeling like she’s losing control so she’s lashing out. She brought up the fact that DP and I have bought a house half an hour away. “There’s lots of nice areas round here, I don’t know why you needed to move so far away.”

I suppose I just feel so envious of other people who can share nice moments like this with their mums.

For what it’s worth, I’d budgeted about £150 for my sisters dress. She chose one that was £330 and I was expected to pay… so I think I should have some say in the colour.

My Mum was lukewarm about my wedding too. When i told her we were engaged her response was 'and?' as if she didn't care. She complained about everything, her and fiancé have never been in each others fan club but on the day she actually said point blank, to HIS mother that she didn't like him! She wasn't impressed with venue (it was a partially ruined tudor mansion with an attached masonic chapel and on-site catering), she suggested we put a marquee in her garden. She refused to sit on the top table because she wanted to sit with her bf, we briefly considered child-free and she said she wouldn't come if her young nieces and nephews weren't invited and called me selfish for not wanting my teenage cousin as a bridesmaid. She called me bridezilla because i wanted professional flowers not ones from her garden. She asked me not to invite my paternal grandmother, (Dad died in 2011) I refused but grandma died before the day anyway. Every day was 'I'm not coming if...' i got so pissed off with it I just said 'don't come then'. She calmed down a bit after that in the end she paid for my dress and the two flower girl dresses and bit towards the reception. She was actually pleased when it was cancelled due to Covid. We rearranged for a few years later. After didn't get any better, she sent me her 'favourite picture from my wedding' and it was a shot of me but only from waist to neck. Her favourite pic didn't even show my face! She always said what shame it was, which hurts like hell cos although there were things that didn't go as planned we made the best of it and we thought it was a lovely day. My relationship with my mother is still isn't great.

I’m sorry to read this. Both my DSM and MIL were involved in our wedding planning, as was my DGM and aunt. Everyone seemed interested and there were no arguments. That’s not too much to expect, is it?

OP, I’d do exactly what you want to do, and send her the invite. Up to her if she comes or not. Try to see the funny side if you can- maybe have a bet on what the next complaint will be! Do not let it ruin your day.

The trick is not to share information. My parents were told the date initially, the venue once booked (they knew it as we eat there) then I sent the invite (highly recommend using Canva, means you can distribute by email but print, sneakily at work, a few where needed) then the menu. I booked the hotel for them so no need for them to do anything. They still keep trying to give me money but I’ve refused anything, not even a gift.

My parents [mostly my father] made my sisters life a misery when she got engaged. She and her fiancé nearly broke up over it. Every little detail was a battle with a negative opinion on everything. My sister is pretty chilled but he was super uptight about everything and because he part funded it, drove a lot of decisions on menu, decor, guests. Nightmare

When it was my turn I sent them a wedding invitation at the same time as everyone else [so no guest list interference] 4 months before the wedding and a list of suitable hotels near to the venue. I booked my mum in to have her hair and make up done with me and my bridesmaids.

I strongly recommend stepping right back and treating them as guests. Tell your sister she needs to be at X location on the morning to leave with you for the wedding and for hair and make-up if you are doing that.

She sounds hard work. And since when was a half hour away considered ‘so far away’. Stop telling her so much - about your relationship, about the wedding, everything really - it just comes back to bite you. I’d elope if I were you, just to avoid the stress (that’s what did for my first wedding, it was defo less stressful), spend the money on an awesome honeymoon/avoid arguments about dresses, etc.

Thank you for this. I think the treating her as a guest is actually such helpful advice. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she needs bare minimum information. I’m going to plan this day the way DP and I want it. We’ve got friends we want to celebrate with and share the day. I also don’t want his parents and family to have to miss out on seeing us get married because of my mum’s behaviour.

Thanks for the replies all. I actually feel much stronger the past few weeks. She’s not going to take this from me. It’s sad that she can’t be happy for me. I’m sad about the relationship we don’t have but I wish we did… BUT I’ve got so much to look forward to. Onwards and upwards. All they have to do is buy a bloody outfit and turn up.

I agree with this. To be honest she sounds slightly insane - flying off the handle and swearing about everything. If you elope she will probably blame you for upsetting your sister and not letting her be a bridesmaid. I doubt you can win. Probably need to keep her at arms length unfortunately, or grey rock the inevitable guilt trips.

Edit - I see you have decided not to elope - good for you op, have the day you want.