AITA for declining wedding invite?

[DnG]

Hi all, I need some advice. My good friend is planning her wedding abroad (where she lives), a 10h flight away. By the time the wedding comes round my baby will be 9 months old (currently entirely breastfed). We wanted to combine the trip with our honeymoon. Now it turns out children are not invited to the main part of the wedding (not invited to the ceremony and dinner), but a garden party the next day. My friend is suggesting to leave my baby with a babysitter during the wedding. I don't think I feel comfortable taking my baby on a 10h journey for the wedding to then not even being invited to the wedding. I also don't feel comfortable leaving her with a stranger in a strange place for a day. I've let my friend know and she's making me feel like I'm in reasonable. She's spent half an hour trying to convince me that it will be fine to leave my baby with a baby sitter and really in her words it's only "half an hour for the ceremony and half an hour for dinner" that children can't be there. She told me off for saying her wedding was "childfree" - even though that's the actual term they used on their wedding website and keeps saying children are invited. But clearly they're not!! She also kept telling me off for saying that I respect their decision to have wedding without children, but that's due to numbers according to her. Well they picked the venue that has space restrictions! I was very upset after the phone call yesterday and could not sleep. I'll be very happy to hear people's opinions. Thank you all.

Of course not. She’s being ridiculous. Don’t engage anymore, you’re not going, she can’t make you.

You are never unreasonable for declining a wedding invitation. Especially one that is a ten hour flight away.

Based on what you've said, I wouldn't be going either.

A good friend would accommodate your baby

If your partner is going could they do the babysitting during the service/meal ?

Or you just attend the garden party the following day.

I think it depends on how much you want to go.

A 10hr flight, the expense and then not attending the wedding due their decision for no children would probably be a no from me.

She’s ridiculous I wouldn’t indulge it.

the annoying / frustrating thing about situations like this is whatever you do doesn’t matter as your friendship is damaged either way because of her self-absorbtion.

Presumably she doesn't have kids yet so doesn't understand why you would have concerns.
When I had a baby I declined weddings that required an overnight stay if my baby wasn't allowed to attend. Baby was ebf and I didn't have anyone who could look after her overnight if DH came with me. It's their choice to have a child free service - I'd have no problem with them setting those rules but equally you can decide that means you won't go.
Don't get involved in protracted debate - just say you respect her choices but you won't leave your baby with an unknown sitter. And yes, you would pick your child's welfare over attending her wedding.

Even if the baby was invited I'd be thinking twice about a 10 hour flight.
I wouldn't want to leave my baby with a someone neither they nor I had met before. However I don't think that people who haven't got a baby fully understand that primal, protective urge that mothers have with their own babies. To her, it's logistics that can be sorted if you play ball. To you, it's an absolute no.
If you are prepared to go to the trouble and expense of the flight. I think your friend should relax her"rules" if she wants you there. If she won't do that, then your attendance is not a priority for her.

Well, as you want to combine with honeymoon, I’d just go to the wedding and DH look after kid for the bits they couldn’t be at.
I definitely wouldn’t be leaving any kid with someone I didn’t know. No matter who they were.

I wouldn’t however fly 10h if I wasn’t planning on having a family holiday too, especially if whole family not invited.

Hi OP, sorry this is so distressing for you. I’m guessing your friend is childfree? If so then her reaction is understandable… none of us can grasp being a mother until we are one! That said, you are not obliged to justify to her your reasons to not want to leave your DC with a babysitter. You should be confident that you know what’s best for your family and that doesn’t fit in with her plans. It’s a shame but it is what it is. When we faced a similar situation (bit more complicated as it was BIL & SIL’s wedding), they lined up a babysitter for our DC- 4,2 and 9 weeks, a stranger who they barely knew but who was recommended to them….. er, NO! We ended up paying for my mum and SF to come over (wedding was in Europe), stay in a hotel and look after our kids with me phoning them every half hour and popping back and forth from the childfree reception… upshot was that I was knackered and peed off and the entire IL family labelled me difficult and a drama queen for causing disruption to the wedding! You must be brave and be proud of the decisions you make as a mother… your friend will get it when she’s a mother herself.

I totally understand child free weddings that are close to home as you normally have family or friends who can /babysit, however a child free wedding which is a 10hr flight away is just ridiculous.

id decline and think no more about it. Her choice to have a child free wedding and it’s your choice whether you accept or not,

I couldn't have left my breastfed baby for very long at 9 months. Obviously plenty of women go back to work then but they'd have worked up to that beforehand. Both my babies were still eating very little but breastfeeding a lot at that age. It just wouldn't have worked.

I now have pre-school/primary age children and quite honestly I wouldn't leave them with a stranger abroad either.

If you are combining this as your honeymoon I would do what others have said. You attend the ceremony and dinner while your DH stays with your child, then you all attend the garden party together the next day.

This is Mumsnet not Reddit. We don’t say AITA , we say AIBU … YABU .

What an absolute fucking joke? Travel 10 hours to my wedding and presumably spend ££££ but you can't come to the actual wedding?!! I'm sorry but I would have had to tell her what I thought of that.

Didn't you post this exact scenario last week?

Yes, now I've actually declined and am quite distraught by my friend's reaction. 😔

There’s no way I’d leave my baby with a stranger. I’m fine with child free weddings in general, so long as the bride and groom accept that means some people won’t be able to attend. And I don’t really think not allowing kids to attend is OK when you’ve also asked your guests to fly ten hours to another country.

You are perfectly reasonable not to attend, and your friend sounds very thoughtless and self-involved. I think if you had been very keen to go (and to make that your honeymoon) then the only solution would have been for your partner to skip the ceremony and the dinner to stay with your baby. But really, why should you go to so much trouble to attend the wedding when your friend is being so inconsiderate of you?

Just go to the garden party the next day and then go and enjoy your honeymoon somewhere ?

I think this has been on Reddit.
Or reposted on Mumsnet. I've read it before, and recently.

Cross posted.

Either leave your child with a babysitter or your partner looks after them for these short parts of the day.

You don't get to piggyback on her wedding for a holiday, act like you're the only one who's ever breastfed a child and complain that she chose a venue with less space.

It's her choice who is invited and it's your choice if you accept her decisions and go yourself.

I feel this and sympathise with you. Are you a bit of a people pleaser? Or easily railroaded by forceful friends and family?

This is probably the first but won't be the last time you are put in a position for stating and standing up for your family's needs against someone else's preferences.

It feels really difficult, but you will get better with practice. And it is absolutely right for your baby and your relationship with them in future.

Of course not. I didn't go to my best friends wedding because it was a seven hour flight and I just couldn't afford it. If people decide to get married in a different country they have to expect many people to decline.

What did your friend say. I'd have cancelled too. If she is making you feel bad about it then that's on her.

YANBU OP. When it comes close to the time you will be delighted you don't have to do a ten hour flight with a baby. In my own family and social circle children are never invited to weddings (apart from immediate family) but i can't imagine anyone would expect someone to make such a lengthy journey and then not invite their children .