Guilty about a friend's invitation

[TwinklyGoose]

So. I recently had an rvsp from my friend who can't make it to the evening reception to which she was invited. However, she raised that she was disappointed that she recently found out she was the only one from our friendship group not invited to the ceremony. The issue is that I didn't say she was the only one from our group to not be at the ceremony, as she was still invited to the day.

I messaged her in November to explain we had very limited seating so couldn't invite her to ceremony, but welcome at reception and o didnt want her to feel left out. I do acknowledge I didn't say about my other friends at the the time. I knew some people would drop out of ceremony and was going to offer her first place. She obviously found out from another friend in the group which is not a nice way to find out, I agree.

The reasons for the ceremony invite include that as a couple don't feel as close to her as the other friends as we've never hung out, and within the friendship group I never speak to her or meet up outside of the group meet ups. We are friends but I'm just closer to the others.

I understand she's upset and I know I should have been clearer upfront, but I think she still would have felt upset. I didn't handle this right and know it was a rude and excluding thing to do and should have just made the space for her. I didn't stop to consider her feelings but I really did try to make it the best I could.

I've sent her flowers as a small gesture. And I've explained to her re the decision and we've agreed to move forward.

I know I've probably ruined this friendship but I'll obviously do my best to be inclusive and courteous in the future.

But I can't stop overthinkg it today and I'm still upset, mostly at myself.

Anyone else had this?

Yeah, leaving one friend out and inviting all others is pretty shitty, no matter what way you spin the reasons.

Wasn’t there a thread yesterday from another invitee who is thinking of declining the wedding invitation in solidarity?

I don’t think it’s just the friendship with the one you excluded that’s ruined tbh.

There was I'm questioning if this is a coincidence or someone messing about?

If it's genuine the rule of thumb is when inviting a friendship group it's either 50% or less or the whole group.

So friendship group of four, you can invite 1,2 or4 not 3.

This is odd op

obviously you invite who you want to whatever part but is a group of close friends and all equally close, seems quite cruel to omit just one

That was pretty shitty op

It was unkind to invite all of a friendship group bar one. And no great surprise she found out

In her shoes, I'd feel humiliated to be excluded

Unfortunately, the damage is done. But, flowers were a nice gesture

Ooooh tricky. I think you can just grovel and hope to clear the air!

I have been that friend. Friendship was ruined. I just couldn’t get past it. To me it seemed so intentionally mean.

How many friends are in this group?

She’s the one who has behaved badly. You didn’t invite her because she’s just someone you socialise in groups with, not someone you have any kind of actual friendship with, or see solo. Moaning about the type of wedding invitation you get is poor form, even if you’re genuinely upset.

Oh goodness OP. I do get why you did what you did but it was a massive error in judgement and I'm finding it quite hard to see how you wouldn't have realised that a) it was a really hurtful thing to do and b) that she wouldn't have found out anyway. I'm not saying you intended it but you've cocked this up royally.

I'd be quite surprised if the friendship recovers to more than surface level at best and furthermore if you haven't done significant damage to the group as a whole. I wouldn't be impressed at a friend who had done this to a mutual friend.

It doesn't sound like you handled this well op. But, you know that and told us in your op. So, don't beat yourself up, you live and you learn. The flowers were a nice gesture. I think now you apologise and move on and accept it might change things. But don't be too hard on yourself, you were doing your best at the time, you are at least aware of the issues now. And frankly people are shit sometimes I bet you've had treatment from others which has upset you before, you are not unique in making social errors!!

She’s the one who has behaved badly.

Moaning about the type of wedding invitation you get is poor form, even if you’re genuinely upset.

Absolutely this.

I do agree with others that it is odd to have a group of friends and then only leave out one of them. You either don't invite any, or you invite all, or you invite the closest one, or you could even invite the original friends and not partners. Or, have a think about who you want to invite, before booking somewhere that doesn't fit them all.

However
Whatever choices a B&G (well, let's be honest, usually bride) makes, you have to accept as an invitee.
You can accept, or decline, but it is incredibly rude to complain to the host.

I certainly wouldn't have been sending flowers.