Rant , sorry if it seems awful , it’s my first post im so overwhelmed with wedding

[Crazyworldmum]

I’m getting married in the summer this year , venue , photographer, traveling etc all planned dress , makeup l still in planning . It’s a wedding abroad to half of our guests ( it’s in our home country so half of the family is there ) .
The issue I’m having is I’m not excited by any of it , I want to get married he is absolutely the love of my life . But I hate the idea of a big wedding and I regret having agreed with it , initially I wanted to get married abroad just us and the kids ( step kids , mine and ours ) but he seemed so disappointed , he wanted our families etc and I went along .
I can’t cancel it now , my family and friends have booked flights , holiday homes etc but I’m so resentful I’m sacred I won’t enjoy any of it . I hate being the centre of attention , I’m not a girly girly person , I will hate having to do my hair and makeup etc , what most women love I hate . I’m in my early 40s I don’t feel excited by frilly stuff , I don’t want to do dress trials I just want to find a dress from a shop and buy it .
I am absolutely freaking out about the pressure and expectation put on me as the bride , I have a child with special needs and 2 younger ones , the day will be stressful having to worry with them plus 2 hours of hair and makeup etc . I’m just dreading it all .
I also work full time in a daily stressful and with high responsibilities job plus I have adhd so I overthink stuff , so finding time to have a proper “ calm down and think about “ it all is hard to say the least .
I am feeling so defeated , thousands of pounds for something I probably won’t enjoy , I feel awful for feeling this way . I just had a go at my partner about it and now feel awful for it too as he probably thinks I don’t want to get married .
why do I have to feel this way
Please tell me I’m not the only one that feels this overwhelmed .

I think it is overwhelming as everything you see in social media is about the full on, 2 hours of hair and makeup, trying on hundreds of dresses kind of weddings.
But if you break it down, its not as bad - so the main thing is somewhere to be married and celebrate after, and you've dealt with that. So if all that remains is twiddly bits, you get to decide what matters. If you just want to go into your favourite dress shop and buy one, go for it. If you don't like having hair and makeup done, don't. Just do what you would normally. If you don't like being the centre of attention, don't have a top table.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate to start with, so don't be hard on yourself about not enjoying another thing to organise

Nothing is obligatory apart from the legal bit. If you don’t want to wear a dress, do hair and make up, pose for lots of photos, do a first dance etc, then don’t.

enjoy celebrating your relationship with the people who love you.

As pp have said. Don't buy into bullshit.
Many many brides wear something they already own, or buy a nice outfit for the occasion (dress or not, white or not). Many don't have hair and makeup done at all, or ask a talented friend etc. Do what makes you happy, balance with what makes your husband to be happy.
If you don't want it, don't do it.

I had photos done as I knew if would make my MIL very happy. I didn't care apart from mine shot, found the cheapest one available and ticked the box. MIL was overjoyed. I don't mind that but I did refuse any individual shots of me.

I also hate being the centre of attention and all the ‘fuss’ that can come with weddings, you don’t have to engage with any of it except legally getting married :)

I got my dress from House of Fraser, lots of the big high street department stores have wedding ranges.

I did go to a few bridal shops but I hated it, hated the expectation of crying over a dress, silly talk of finding ‘the one’ irritation at standing about in my knickers in front of strangers, ugh hated it, loved the dress I picked up off the peg, much more me :)

Same with hair & makeup, you’re not obliged to do all that unless you want to, remember that with everything wedding related- most of it is people trying to sell you stuff you don’t actually need.

We didn’t do loads of stuff a lot of people typically do (just because it’s ’traditional’ means nothing), we didn’t have a cake (we had a nice desert, find the cake cutting photo cringey), didn’t have a big ‘welcome the bride and groom’ announcement (shudder), didn’t buy a wedding ring, used my nans, didn’t have a top table, everyone sat on round tables - top tables are no fun for anyone sitting at them, so hard to chat sat in a line.

Its your wedding, do it your way x

I hated planning our wedding but I loved the day.

You have family living here and abroad, so firstly, you won’t be the centre of attention as everyone will be catching up. You might even find half your wedding has moved to a quiet spot as people catch up. If you don’t want to be the centre of attention, just let people chat with family they rarely see. The upside of this is that it’s very little effort for you but people will be saying what a good wedding it was for years.

If you don’t enjoy hair and makeup, haven’t planned it, don’t. You don’t have to spend two hours getting your hair and makeup done.

With regards planning - you need to get a pyramid in place. At the top of the pyramid is rings, venue. Next layer down is things that are important to both of you - maybe photographer or the food. Next layer down is sort of important, you would probably miss not having one but if you really couldn’t afford it, you would scrap it. Next layer is all the other shit, the frills. Your spend your time (and money) in order of the pyramid. If you run out of fucks or money before you get to the final layer, well then it doesn’t get done but it’s not really important to you so it doesn’t matter.

On the day, especially as you have younger children with SEN and you are worried about your expectations - build in little 10 minute pockets of time throughout the day where you can read, scroll your phone, play a game with your kids. Thats more important than two hours in hair and makeup.

Exactly what others said - don't like having your hair and make up done, don't do it, just do your own hair and make up as you would normally for a nice event.
Don't want to go dress shopping don't - I just bought a few dresses online, tried on at home and kept the one I liked - didn't go for a super traditional dress and it only cost me a few hundred pounds - several friends have done similar.
In terms of the child care for the day, why is that a you issue - your DP wanted the wedding so ask him to come up with a plan utilizing his/your family/friends/paid help to ensure that the children are well cared for that day.
Don't have a top table if you don't like being centre of attention, don't have to have a first dance etc - we didn't do a traditional one, we just had everyone join us on the dancefloor. We didn't really do speeches.
Basically just work through what your anxiety points are and how they can be addressed & ensure that your other half is absolutely pulling his weight and then some given it's him that wants the wedding.
Maybe also have the conversation when you are not feeling heightened so rather than 'having a go' at him you can properly communicate how you are feeling and together come up with a plan of how you will both make it work for both of you. Honestly if you can't do that together I would be rethinking the marriage let alone the wedding.

If you want to go to a shop and buy a dress, do that. If you want to wear shorts and a t-shirt, do that. If you do t want to have your hair or make up done, don't.

Have a picnic on the beach, or (we did this) go out for cream teas (or the local equivalent) if you'd prefer that to a 'proper' reception.

Set up an email address for the purpose, encourage your guests to take photos and email them there, and upload those you like to a photo sharing site in your own time.

In short, it's your wedding, so make it fun for you and your husband-to-be, and trust everyone else cares about you enough to be happy for you.

You can scale it back, and still have family there. Do your own hair and make up - like every other day if your life. Then you'll be relaxed, and actually look like you.
Get a dress that isn't a traditional wedding dress - just something you like, that you know you'll wear again. Summer dresses will come into the shops soon. Or a relaxed trouser suit, if that's more your style.
Don't fall for the stereotypes - they don't matter.
Don't bother with an "evening do" (most of them are awful) or, if you do, just no first dance.
Cut down the photos, or just ask for them to be "reporter style", so you don't have to pose.
Keep it simple - legal ceremony, then just a relaxed meal with a few friends & family. Kick your shoes off, change into shorts and T shirt.... whatever works for you.

Strip it down. You don't need to have e your make up and hair done. You don't need a big expensive dress with multiple fittings
Do the necessary bits and no more

Thank you all , some of your suggestions make sense .
what I’m really struggling is the expectation . doesn’t help that nobody offered to help but everyone seems to like throwing stuff in the mix like my fiancés mum actually said to me recently “ please don’t feel you cannot wear white in your wedding day don’t pay attention to what others may say “ …. Hummm I actually never felt I couldn’t until she actually said it . I know I’m in my early 40s and already have kids , that left me feeling like people actually spoke about it behind my back .
thej my mum and sister are forever asking me about the dress the makeup the kids dresses what’s the best places for guests to say …. I find it all so mind blowing . They even tried to book me a spa for my hen party , I hate spas and massages 🤦🏻‍♀️.
All I want is to somewhat enjoy the day and for my guests to enjoy . I have the venue including all decorations and catering booked , open bar the cake a DJ and guests favours sorted . I’m still on a diet so my dress will need to be from a shop or online because I will only order it 3 months before anyway .
I just feel like I have to almost torture myself to make others happy. All I want to think about is what songs are special to me and him and things that we will remember 20 years from now not freaking makeup

Do you have a bridesmaid? If so, explain how you feel and delegate the shit you have no interest in to them. If you don't, write a list and post it here with some details (sizes, general location, colours) and delegate to the hive mind.

It sounds like you have all the important things sorted in terms of hosting, so focus on the fact you'll have a lovely day of eating, drinking and music/dancing with your immediate family and most of their favourite people in a lovely place.

I hear you, OP. You do have choices, although it may feel like none are perfect. Just because everything is booked, doesn't mean you have to go ahead with the wedding in it's current format. It's your choice to. As for makeup, if you aren't particularly fussed, don't bother with it. Do your own hair. If music is really important to you, take charge of the playlist for different stages of the ceremony and the part afterwards. Share other jobs out with your partner.

Can you have both kind of weddings? I mean: can you "elope" first and do it your way, and then have this big celebration? You could even keep it "secret" so you have that little treasured memory to give you strength for D day?

The 3 most important things at a wedding are the priest, the dress, and the alcohol. Anything you can add to that is a bonus.

Well, just a few thoughts so that you enjoy the day, which is the most important thing. To an extent, the fewer details you plan, the fewer things will upset you if they 'go wrong'.

• The only dress you need to pick out is your own. Let everyone else dress themselves in whatever they like, including any children involved in the ceremony.

• Throw some money and effort at choosing and hiring a photographer. Pick someone who can supply you with great candid photos, photojournalism-style, so that you do not need to pose. Tell them you hate feeling like you are being photographed. But you want photos.

• I hate hair and make-up, too. I found hiring someone to do that, who understood 'minimal', meant that I did not have to worry about it. As with dresses, everyone else does their own. It's not a photoshoot, it's your wedding.

• Focus on the music, if that's a passion for you. Whatever else will create a party that you will enjoy.

-Don't have a top table. No speeches. No cake cutting - unless you want any of that. If your oh wants a particular thing, he sorts it.

I hope you have a fun day, with lots of laughs and good food and music. And that you don't spend a minute worrying about eyeliner.

You ony have to do as much as you want. I'm the same with centre of attention and any of the bits that seem like total faff to me. We had a really traditional wedding, church, about 100 guests, stately home type place for reception. All the formalities.

But at the same time I picked my dress on the first day in the first shop. My mate did my make-up. My mum had booked her mobile hairdresser who had to cancel the night before because she was ill. No big deal. I got an appointment in the village but if I hadn't done I'd just have worn it down probably.

Didn't have anyone getting ready with me or making a big fuss.

It's possible to have a big wedding without it being a fussy one.

No I don’t , my 2 daughters will be my bridesmaid and flower girl

Ah I hate that you're feeling stressed about it. Like everybody else says, just don't do anything that you don't see the point of. The Princess of Wales did her own makeup for her wedding. So did I - I had a hairdresser's appointment I thought, but they didnt have the booking, so I did it myself and I still like the way it looked. Just laugh if people are stressing at you and tell them if they want something like that they should do a vow renewal.