Don't know what to do..

[NavigatingAdulthood]

I got engaged at Christmas 2024. I'm an avid planner and although I haven't set a date (we have an idea and have just looked at a venue) I'm pretty ahead of schedule in an attempt to spend time saving money, making everything perfect (unfortunately I am one of these girls that have planned everything for years).

I wanted to know peoples opinions about the following things that are circulating my head:

• I don't want children at the ceremony apart from my own child (who will be 3) Do you think people will be offended?

• My FH and I have been cruel in terms of drafting a guest list and this includes excluding the spouse of one of my uncles (who I've never met) and also only planning on inviting only one set of Aunt/Uncle (FH's side) and not their children or grandchildren etc. Do you think this was cause tension?

(Now for the biggest of my concerns)

• One of my old best friends is very bad at keeping in contact. She was a different person when we were younger, then met her partner and they eloped. I planned a hen do for her and everything (at her request) only to find out after the hen do that they aren't having anyone at their wedding. She had a reception a few weeks later and we were invited to that. I barely hear from her anymore and even less since I had a baby 8 months ago although since being engaged, she's crept back into my life and is very persistent in knowing all my plans and details for my wedding ideas. She says she's excited for the wedding but I was only going to invite her to the reception. My partner doesn't overly like them and thinks they have been bad friends. I don't know how to feel as part of me feels bad if I don't invite them to the wedding but I don't want to invite them just for the sake of it. Any advice?

I am invited to my niece's wedding which is a no children wedding . I think everyone understand that and as long as it's clear from the outset for child care arrangements etc that's fine . .It probably affects me more than anyone else as my GC won't be there . My DSs and DiLs are quite happy about having a childfree couple of days ! The only children there will be the 2 DC of her MoH - Im assuming they will be bridesmaid and pageboy ? Which has been made clear . As to not inviting certain people that is completely up to you . Weddings are so expensive these days the old conventions no longer apply . It's not like it's a buffet in a church hall these days is it ! So you just invite who you and your partner want to share the day with . End of .

On the no children thing, whether it causes offence depends on who you're inviting. If you're inviting lots of people with small children (or likely to have small babies then) then they won't be able to come, and you have to accept that. If most of the attendees have older children who they can get childcare for and the wedding is local then it's less likely to be an issue.

Honestly no one here can tell you if people will be offended. You know them and the variables. We don't.

not Inviting someone’s spouse is totally shitty.

your friend - if you like her and want to stay friends - even distantly - then invite her. Otherwise don’t bother.

children - up to you but don’t get pissy if some people decline as a result.

I've been to a lot do weddings over the last 6/7 years as we are mid 30's. At least one a year, sometimes multiple. Even a second wedding of the very first in the group to get married 😂

If your uncle is married, invite her.

It's ok to not have kids, most normal people aren't offended. Some may not be able to get childcare, but most people try.

It's ok to invite your shit friend to the evening only.

It's your wedding, you get to decide who you invite. You'll offend someone somehow I'm sure, but they will get over it.

If someone is an old best friend then that's a very clear message to them to only invite to the reception - it's up to you if you care that that's what you're saying. Also are there a lot of guests only coming to the evening? That makes it less offensive.

I would say partners that I haven't met yet would get at least evening invites. I do think it's a bit hypocritical to expect someone to come and celebrate you joining to institution of marriage and not invite the person that guest chose to marry. Or is only your marriage important?

Have who you want, is the first thing - but own it and be prepared to answer to those cheeky enough to question your choices.
FWIW, only having your own child is going to cause annoyance, yes. Why no kids if your own is going to be there, seems mean spirited.
If you invite a person, you invite their spouse - IMO. Anything else is rude. Again your wedding, your rules, but just mean spirited and creates bad feeling imo.
Re the friend, if you are having evening guests only and you want her to be one of those, then do that!

As long as you're accepting that as a result people may decline the invitation, all is well.

Try not to put unnecessary stress on yourself agonising over decisions, go with what your budget, venues and heart dictate. Ensure you're consulting with your partner and in agreement with the guest list, this should be a joint event.

I personally wouldn't invite only half of a couple, especially a relative. A childless wedding is also not for me. But it's not my wedding or money funding it. Only you 2 know the family dynamics, who is likely to take offence and the wider impact. As stated above, don't be offended if people decide not to attend.

No children is fine - but of course you have to accept that there may be those who decline the invitation because of childcare issues

I'm v rare in thinking that it's OK to invite just one of a married couple (on the grounds that of course people can have separate friendships) but I think you're on thin ice when it's family

Your STBH should be making the decisions about his family including any fall out arising from ruffled feelings from any perceived unfairnesses

I'd recast your day so that everyone can be invited to everything. If you don't actually want to do that, then family and friends(regardless of background) to everything, and partial invitations to acquaintances (work, shared clubs/hobbies etc)

Fine to not invite most of the kids.
(Maybe one would be good company for your LO)

Rude to not include the spouse of a guest.

Talk to yout FMIL about whether the Aunts, Uncles and cousins will be offended.

Partial invite to old friend.

I wouldn't be offended by a no child wedding, but I also wouldn't attend.

I dont think it is reasonable to invite one half of a married couple.

The rest seems reasonable.

As long as you don't get arsey if people can't come due to childcare, I think no children is fine.

I'd invite your uncle's wife. When you say you're only inviting one set of aunt/uncle on your FH's side, do you mean he has multiple aunts/uncles and just one couple are getting an invitation? It's not what I'd do but your FH will know the dynamics of his family better.
I think it's fine to not invite any cousins.

You can choose to have no children there, bear in mind some people will pass on coming. Also, if the wedding is a few years off, some people who are not parents now, might be by then.

As to your old friend, is there a reason you don't want her at the wedding, but still be invited to the reception? If you aren't really friendly anymore, just don't invite her, otherwise it seems like you are just after the gifts.

Thanks for all the comments!

My own uncle is not married to this lady, from what I know (they live up north) they've been together a couple of years and I have no problem inviting her and will most likely do so. I'll also extend a plus one to my other uncle too.

My partners family dynamic is.. awful. It is his decision to only invite one set of Aunt & Uncle (His Mum's sister). He is not close to the other one and has seen him three times in the last 10+ years.

A childless wedding isn't the final decision. I'm aware some people may be parents by then and I'll be open to discussing it with my partner (it was his idea). A lot of the children in our families are teenagers anyway and they were invited - it was more if any of my friends had children who would still be young but I never thought about giving someone for my LO to play with so will definitely change my mind!

My friend eloped, after having me plan a hen do (at her request) and then didn't tell anyone any details of her wedding and surprised us all. I attended a party they had a few weeks later. I'm not bitter about them eloping, if anything I'm miffed I forked out for an expensive hen do for her and her friends! She was a good friend but life moves on, she's married and busy at work. My partner doesn't like her or her partner. I've told him I'd like to invite them as it wouldn't feel right to not invite them to the whole day but my partner seems to think they'll let me down (friend has a good way of sliding back into a close friendship when events happen now and again, like the baby whom she's met once, and again with the engagement).

We're not having gifts, by the way, or even funds for a honeymoon! I think we quite like the idea of a donation to a charity of our choice or for people to just keep their money as cost of living is extortionate haha

If your husband is leaving out just one Uncle then I would invite him. To single out one person seems unkind. Consult with his parents.

His parents are currently going through a divorce and are not directly involved with our wedding planning. At the end of the day, he can choose who he wants to invite! I wouldn't ask his parents as it's not their wedding.