If you've been a bridesmaid before - what was great/what was horrible?

[TheLuckyPearlCat]

I've just got engaged and planning my wedding and choosing bridesmaids.
I know being a bridesmaid can be expensive/tiring/stressful and I'm keen to avoid that for my friends and want them to love it.

Do you have any ideas of how I can make my friends feel special (e.g. any specific gifts, moments)? What was the best thing a bride did for you?

Is there anything I should avoid so it doesn't feel like a burden for them? I'll be paying for their dresses/jewellery/wedding pjs on the day etc.

Any advice from brides/bridesmaids/guests appreciated!

I haven't been one and didn't have an BMs myself but I think the main thing to prevent it being horrible from all I've heard is be clear what you expect from them upfront.

A lot of people, I was one of them, assume being BM just means turning up on the day and looking worse than the bride.

And sometimes it is. But sometimes the prospective BMs think that, only to find the bride assumed they knew that being her BM would entail planning the wedding with her, booking a complex hen-do and arranging a bridal shower, going on every wedding shopping trip and dress fitting, and of course fallouts ensue.

So be clear what you want and don't assume prospective BMs will know what's involved, especially if it'll require their time. Don't be offended if some people might not have the time to be very involved if that's what you're hoping for and so on.

I would have literally done anything my friend wanted- it was her day and I just wanted it special for her. Just tell her what’s happening and what you need help with- no matter the planning something will go slightly wrong and they are there to help. Have lots of snacks whilst getting ready as it’s a long day when gettting up early for hair/makeup (my friend has a fruit and croissant platter delivered which was delicious).

I agree with @Echobelly

When I was bridesmaid, that is pretty much all I did - turn up on the day, help the bride if she needed anything, and smile for the photos.
Same as when I got married, that's all I expected my bridesmaids to do.

Having read lots of MN threads over the years, I can see that there are some people who think differently, so yes, be clear what you want them to do / what commitment there is.

I've been a bridesmaid twice and I am now a bride. Once the bride gave me the option of choosing my own dress with a specific colour, the other the dress was chosen for me.

For the wedding where the dress was chosen for me I felt so big and uncomfortable and was self conscious for most of the day. In hindsight, nobody gave a shit about me but I knew I didn't look amazing and I felt so down because of it.

For the wedding where I chose my own dress I found it difficult to get an exact colour match and got a bit stressed going round shops trying to find something that the bride would like too

Now I'm a bride I'm going to give my bridesmaid an option between 7 dresses of very different styles so there is something that the 4 of them will be comfortable in without the stress of finding their own.

Beyond that, I was given a gift by one bride and not by the other, I really didn't care either way if I was given one. I'll be paying for dresses, hair and makeup so I won't spend money on a gift but I think I will give them a thank you card with a hand written message.

Final point- one bride was unorganised and very 'go with the flow' which was actually more stressful. She didn't give us a time to turn up in the morning to get ready so people were flitting in and out which probably stressed the hair stylist and makeup artist out too. She didn't provide us with food or drink, I had to nip out and get something for us all. She didn't give us a position to walk down the aisle etc etc. She didn't even assign an official MOH or ask anyone to organise a hen do for her, but she still wanted something to happen, this led to me and her mum trying to organise something for her without any help or direction.

For my wedding I'm going to book 2 hotel rooms for us all to stay in the night before and ask my MOH to provide food and drink for in the morning and give people a position to walk down the aisle before we actually get there. I've also made a bridesmaid whatsapp group and removed myself so they can help my MOH organise the hen do too

I’ve been a bridesmaid four times and I think the most important thing is being mindful of what you’re asking of your bridesmaids.

For one wedding, there was a huge expectation in terms of money and time. We had to spend hundreds on dress alterations, nails and make up, multiple hen dos and trips, etc. I also hated the dress which was a colour and style that didn’t suit me so spent the day feeling really uncomfortable, especially as it was very thick and the wedding was in the height of summer!

I’m getting married in September and all I’m asking of my bridesmaids is their presence and support. We chose the style and colour of their dresses together and I paid, they can do their hair/make up/nails however they like and my hen do is one day. My wedding is very important to me but they have their own lives and priorities so I don’t want to put pressure on them - I’ve chosen them because they’re the most important people in my life so I want my behaviour to reflect that.

The nicest thing a brides done when I was a bridesmaid is providing food and drink and time to eat it! It’s so hectic the morning of a wedding, and you often start getting ready too early for a hotel breakfast. I’m going to get pastries and fruit platters from Costco for my bridesmaids.

Gift wise, I’m going to give a small personalised jewellery box and earrings. I’ve mainly been given custom coat hangers and dressing gowns which I haven’t kept as they aren’t much use after the day!

Let them choose their own dress style even if you are having a colour theme.

I gave mine silver photo frames as a thank you, they loved them.

I have been a bridesmaid 8 times, some brilliant fun and some godawful. Biggest things for me (and things I applied to my own wedding)

• If you want certain hair and make up, pay for it and leave plenty of time for everyone to be done.
• be very clear about transport to the ceremony and from ceremony to reception. I have had 2 experiences where we had to travel in wedding car but no transport was available from the church for the bridesmaids and no one had bought their vehicle because we had to ride with the bride. Massive pain, especially as none of us had plus ones who were attending
• feed people breakfast if you expect folk to stay over night with you or arrive early doors
• best bridesmaid gift I ever had was those wee fold up shoes that perfectly matched the dresses, bridesmaids stand a lot and by the time dancing starts feet are sore!
• if you are in the height of summer and planning on any outdoor reception/photo then don’t forget sun cream! I had my own bottle (v v pale) but the rest of the bridal party didn’t and mine didn’t go far. after an hour of pictures everyone else was pink and sweaty
• provide names and (crucially)contact info for anyone you want at the hen do and set a budget you think it’s ok to spend based on what you know of everyone’s personal circumstances. No £600 spa days if most of your guests are students (for instance), no matter what your MOH thinks would be fun. And be happy to pay your own way if needed. No bride should expect everything to be free for a whole weekend

The worst thing was having to buy my own dress (which was revolting). The best was being given a lovely gift and being genuinely appreciated. Different weddings.

Good:

Not having to pay for my dress and even being allowed to wear different styles in the same coloilut and fabric to suit each bridesmaid

I love the bride loads - she wasmy bridesmaid too and we are still really close friends. Being part of her day was honestly lovely

Bad:

Having to pay for makeup artist and then not getting much say in how makeup was done.

Organising the fucking hen do! We had one bridesmaid who was hell bent on going abroad for a big holiday type hen. Some of us were already married and had mortgages and small children and none of us were exactly raking in cash at the time (all in our twenties). We ended up doing two hens, one at home and one abroad.

It isn't tradition, but I honestly wish brides would organise their own hens with a few surprises from bridesmaids thrown in. When I got married I said I wanted it to be as easy as possible for guests and hosted it in my mum's house. We ended up going out clubbing as a wonderful surprise for me, but I truly didn't want to. I wanted a little sleepover type vibe at home. So from both the bride's perspective and from being a bridesmaid, I would prefer brides getting to organise it themselves. Obviously you may feel the opposite, but since you asked, that's my view!

I’ve done it twice. Things I loved - being asked to do it for two people I’m very close to and fond of and spending their special day with them.

Things I hated - wearing something that didn’t 100% suit me at one wedding (I could have said something so it’s partly on me) and at one wedding a lack of clarity on my role. They hadn’t told me I was signing the register for example.

The best thing at both weddings was little moments with the bride.

Hmmm.
I guess I could tell you what I hated about being a bridesmaid and then you could use my experience to help give your bridesmaids a nicer experience.

1. I hated the fact that I was 1 of 3 bridesmaids where all 3 of us were asked by the bride to arrange her hen weekend, but 1 of the other bridesmaids lived overseas and the other 1 had no interest whatsoever in helping to plan the hen weekend. She made her lack of interest very clear to me. So that left me on my own to plan an entire weekend for 12 women who all had different needs/wants/interests/budgets/time commitments. I didn't really know any of them particularly well so it was really hard to work out what people would enjoy doing. The bride wouldn't help me when I asked her for ideas, she said "No, I want you to plan a surprise weekend for me". So don't do that. Don't dump the hen planning on to 1 bridesmaid and then refuse to engage with ideas like my bride did. Make sure you divide the planning and organising of the hen weekend up equally between your bridesmaids, make sure you offer your help with the planning of anything if needed, and most importantly, state clearly what you want to do for your hen. My bride saying "I want you to plan a surprise weekend" added horrible pressure on me.
2. I hated having to take an annual leave day from my full time job to travel 55 miles to a bridal shop to watch my bride try on various different dresses, at her request. I loathe clothes shopping. Having to watch my bride try on dress after dress asking my opinion on minute detail about each and every one of them for hours on end was painful for me. So don't put your bridesmaids through that pain.
3. I loathed my bridesmaid outfit. Oh my God it sends shivers down my spine to this day just thinking about it. My bride picked it out and chose it for me. I had no say whatsoever on what I wore. It was a hideously unflattering outfit which to this day makes me cringe. It was everything that could possibly be deeply unflattering on my particular body shape. It was shiny and manmade material and tight and ill fitting and didn't allow me to wear a bra because it was a boob tube style on the top when I have a huuuuge massive bust and need to wear scaffolding type bras so it resulted in me having no suitable bust support whatsoever which made me feel really self conscious and bad about how awful I looked in it and the whole thing just was not designed for a very shapely size 16 pear shaped body. It was designed for a willowy flat chested tall lythe body. I looked and felt hideous. It was all based on the bride choosing bridesmaids outfits in a colour that matched the grooms tie. Not only the colour, but the exact shade of that colour. And this was the only outfit she could find in that specific shade. So don't do that. Ask your bridesmaids what they'd like to wear, and then let them wear it.
4. I hated having to pay for my bridesmaid outfit. I felt really annoyed about it. The hen weekend was already really expensive. I didn't understand why I then had to pay for a bridesmaid outfit. It cost a fortune. I raised this in the company of the other 2 bridesmaids, and asked if we could maybe meet halfway with the cost, as I was struggling financially at the time. This was met by annoyance from the other 2 bridesmaids because the bride started crying about the escalating costs of her wedding and the other 2 bridesmaids, upon seeing her cry about my suggestion of meeting the cost halfway, had a go at me and told me to pay for my own outfit. This caused a really bad atmosphere between us all. They were both loaded. I wasn't. So don't do this. Don't put your bridesmaids in a position of embarrassment about paying for their outfits. Just cover the cost straight up.
5. I hated being forced to go to a hairdressers and beauty place on the morning of the wedding at the bride's insistence to get my hair and makeup professionally done, and then be charged a fortune for it. I had wanted to do my own hair and makeup, but this was banned by the bride. She chose an extremely expensive bridal salon who charged me an eye-wateringly expensive amount of money to do my hair and makeup in a style that I would not have chosen for myself. So don't insist on this. Offer, sure, and if they want to, great. But if they want to do their own hair and makeup because they know how to do it in a way that suits them best, and/or can't afford an expensive overpriced salon, let them.
6. I hated having to suck up the bride's bridezilla behaviour on the morning of the wedding. Apparently it was ok to shout, scream and tantrum all morning long because of 'bride stress' which is apparently allowed. Not in my book. It ruined the day for me. I had to stand in the church in shock after witnessing diabolical behaviour from the bride all morning. I was told to just get on with it and smile for the bride and for the wedding. I did, of course. But inside I was in disbelief at her behaviour. So don't do that. Don't scream at your bridesmaids and everyone around you on the morning of your wedding.
7. I hated the fact that at the evening wedding party, I was instructed to remain wearing my hot, sweaty, uncomfortable, tight outfit. I wanted to change into a really lovely, comfortable, silk, cool (as in temperature) dress that was a million times more flattering and more 'me' for the late evening. I'd even chosen an evening dress that was the same colour as the bridesmaid dress, to ensure the all important colour theme continued. But the suggestion of me changing into this caused the bride to argue at me. So don't do this. Don't dictate what they wear to the late evening party where they'll be dancing all evening. Focus instead on their enjoyment. Let them wear what they want.

I could go on about my experience, but that's enough.
If you avoid doing all of the above, you'll be on to a winner.
Mostly, I'd say, listen to your bridesmaids. Don't dictate to them. And you'll be fine.xx

To be honest, reading some of the above, it sounds like getting it wrong as a bride can seriously damage your friendships with your bridesmaids for the long run. Our wedding (many years ago), I didn’t ask a bridesmaid to organise a hen do, and I paid for the dresses. I did choose them, but they were both happy with the choice (they were silk, quite fitted, ending mid-way on the calf, and a colour that suited both of the adult bridesmaids (I also had two 10 year old girls, who were in dresses with a contrasting colour, and a different style. The adult bridesmaids had a simple detail in this contrasting colour on their dresses which tied it all together.). One of my adult bridesmaids even adjusted the hem of her dress just after the wedding, and wore it as a guest to a friend’s wedding the weekend after, so I think she must have liked it a lot. I also gave them a small gift (a necklace) on the day. I think some people get so worked up with the idea of a ‘perfect’ wedding, that it almost becomes the most important thing (ignoring the fact that it is just the first day of your married life together).

It isn't tradition, but I honestly wish brides would organise their own hens with a few surprises from bridesmaids thrown in

Depends when you think 'tradition' is from.
When my Mum got married (1950s) hen dos weren't really a thing

When I got married (and siblings, close friends, cousins got married), in the late 80s / early 90s, each of us arranged the hen do ourselves as the bride. Makes sense to me. Your 'do' so your choice, and of course you are likely to be the only person to know all the people you want to invite. Mind, it was more likely to be a meal then a dance and nothing like some of the extravagant he dos I see being discussed on here.