I think my Mum doesn’t want to come to my wedding

[ThatTwinklyPearlSloth]

DP recently proposed and I was so incredibly happy 💍 the proposal was beautiful and so much more than I expected. I can’t wait to be married and for our future together.

We’ve agreed that we really want a small wedding. Our initial idea is a small ceremony and reception at our local town hall with around 40 guests. However, we have previously discussed the possibility of going abroad and doing it just the two of us.

I had a phone call with DM earlier and she seemed to be consistently trying to persuade me to go abroad to do it. She said she’d “always assumed” that’s what we’d do and she can really see the appeal of doing that. She said she thought all the planning and hassle of a wedding is stressful, you need time to do it which she says I don’t. She also said that my DSis’ recent promotion at work was “the happiest news we’ve had all year… oh, erm, apart from yours” which really hurt.

The truth is that I was quite excited about the prospect of a town hall wedding with our friends and family. Now feel like my bubble has been completely burst. I know a wedding should be about what you want and not other people but to feel that your own mother doesn’t want to attend… what the point?

Both my DM and DF are very introverted people, as am I. So maybe the prospect of having to socialise is daunting.

I was thinking of just having DSis as my bridesmaid but she really struggles from crippling social anxiety. I hope she’d enjoy it but I worry she’d be internally dreading it and feel obligated to do it. Should I ask? Or just avoid putting her through something she may find stressful?

What would you do? Should we just sod the whole thing off and go abroad or plough ahead with the town hall idea?

Ah, I feel for you, OP. I face a similar utter lack of enthusiasm in my family. Anything that your average person would consider a happy occasion - children’s weddings, grandchildren’s birthdays, family holidays or days out - seems to fill them with dread and worry and a reflexive, largely hostile refusal to participate.

It took a long time, but I eventually found a way not to be hurt by it. I find it sad that they can’t seem to be happy for anyone, or enjoy anything except sitting at home never having to change their routines - but I don’t let them piss on my bonfire anymore.

Congratulations, and have a wonderful wedding - however you decide to do it.

You will only get married once, so have it the way you want it. As has been said, your family don't have to have a 'role', they can be guests. Maybe have a quiet area at the reception which they can retreat to. You are thinking of them,and they need to make a little effort for you - get themselves an outfit and turn up x

We had a small wedding (about 20) although we did have a bigger party on the evening. Our rule was that we didn't care about tradition, we'd do the bits we wanted to do and bit bigger with things we didn't want to or that the people involved didn't want. So I had bridesmaids but DH didn't have a best man. DH didn't make a speech (I did a short one instead) and I made it clear to my dad it was up to him either way, and that I meant that. We didn't bother with cars etc.

I wouldn't change it now (although looking at some Mumsnet threads I do worry occasionally that we may have mortally offended people with the evening only invites, but they all seemed to enjoy the evening!)

So decide what YOU both want from the day, do that, and just allow your family a sau in their bit of it eg do they want to be a bridesmaid, make a speech etc, being clear you'll understand of they don't. Beyond that you can't centre it all round what suits them best. If they dont have the best day, that's a shame but it's your wedding not theirs

Also, Your mum may think going abroad is what you want so is trying to 'give you permission'. My mum does things like that - tries to be helpful or accomodating but guess too far and makes me think she's trying to talk me out if things.

This. Congratulations 🎉

I can so see myself in your mother's shoes in 25 years! I have life altering, crippling anxiety and spent less than 300 pounds total getting married. My first reaction when I think of my (still very young) daughters getting married is that weddings are a waste of money, overwhelming and generally my idea of hell. But they aren’t me (luckily!) and you aren’t her. I don’t think her reaction is personal, but equally it’s not up to her. You could chat to her over a casual cup of tea face to face to let her know you aren’t planning the big white extravaganza :)

Congratulations! Just a thought on your sister, coming from someone who has anxiety (and has been my sisters bridesmaid) I'm sure she would love to be asked and her anxiety would be worse thinking you don't want her to be the bridesmaid, sure it will be hard but she will be brave for her sister. Also you are a nice sister to consider her anxiety! I didn't get this! Good luck.

OP, I could have written your post myself. My DM couldn’t have been less bothered when we told her we were engaged. Felt a bit better when my DS said that she was the same when she announced her engagement 30y ago! Anytime I try to give her some detail about our, immediate family only, registry office wedding and meal she takes no interest so I’ve stopped bothering. My DM is in her 80s and I’m sure simply can’t be arsed with it all - she’s very healthy and independent, but I’ll just be telling her the time to turn up at, at this rate! Thankfully I’ve a DS, DSis in laws and nieces who are interested- and who can give an opinion on a dress for me and my wee girl!

Do whatever you and your fiancé want to do, your mother sounds manulative, had you ever suggested to her that you would prefer a wedding abroad

Im sure if your DSis can hold down a job and manage to get a promotion that she can manage the small task of being bridesmaid

Why on earth would you immediately assume your mum doesn't want to come to your wedding?! I'm sure she does, but it does sound like she's introverted, hates dressing up, and thinks a big wedding is a waste of money. She sounds very like me in fact!

im betting on worried about the pressure on parents to contribute.

maybe it’s because I never heard the end of it from my own parent, who wasn’t even that shy, but really was worried about what I was spending. He even got mad when he accidentally (because he was snooping) found out what I spent on my very reasonably priced wedding dress. I had to be very forceful that I was footing the bill and making the decisions and had everything under control and would not be coming to him for any help.

Thanks so much for this reply. It actually just makes me feel better knowing other families are like mine. It’s hard not to feel sad when all I really want is a tiny bit of enthusiasm “that sounds nice” or “that’s a good idea” would make me so happy.
Seemingly, my wedding has just caused DM and DF complete dread and despair. DF also announced that “it’s not my idea of fun.” I think retiring, not going out and meeting new people and literally consigning themselves to the house has made the thought of any social situations terrifying. I feel sad for them but also for me.

From what you said about your father not a lot would be his idea of fun, even if you got married abroad he probably still wouldn’t enjoy it so pick the type of wedding that you and your fiancé want and stop trying to please everyone as that sounds like it would be an impossible task

I think the get married abroad idea is so that it’s just the two of us and they don’t have to come… so he probably would enjoy that🤣

Oh, ok, 😀
A day at your wedding won’t kill them, have the wedding that you want,
Are they afraid that they might have to contribute to it financially?

Having been both married before with big weddings and ending with divorce after six years for my husband to be and 24 years for myself we wanted as least fuss as possible but wanted to mark the day for US !! So we went on holiday in Scotland and got married at Gretna Green on our own 😃... had a lovely ceremony at the Blacksmiths with the Anvil being struck to mark our marriage with two tourists as witnesses, (who were THRILLED to be asked to be part of a wedding whilst there so making their holiday !) and Japanese tourists chased us for photos and made us feel like film stars !!! We went back to our lovely hotel bar and drank champagne whilst posting on face book with photos taken on our phones by our lovely kind photographer and watched the comments and congratulations flood in !!! I wore a wedding dress and my gorgeous husband a lovely three piece suit. We had the most wonderful day and it shows in our wedding album !!! We would do it again in a heartbeat ! Parents got over the shock but understood we didn't want the stress and fuss and we are now approaching 11 years of being together and 7 years of marriage..... your wedding day only matters to you both at the end of the day X

You really should have your wedding the way you want it and if a small local wedding is what you want then that is what you should have. Ignore negative comments from your mum. Yor wedding is probably more stressful for her than you, believe it or not. Bridesmaids don't have to be siblings they can be best friends, a person you don't see often (a friend or relative from abroad and is offered to them as an honour and to show they are important to you) or even a cousin. Sometimes only very young children in the family are used as flower girls and page boys instead which is rather sweet for photos.

Once the organisation is done, on the actual day, your parents will just be socialising with their own family and a few of your friends. They will be fine and so happy to be with their nearest and dearest. Forty guests sounds lovely.
I would still consider the idea of the town hall.
Keep it as carefree and simple as can be, for your own stress levels and for your budget. Think of your guests' comfort, food and budget.. and of your own location, look, comfort and budget.
Choose more than one bridesmaid so that she can have someone to hang out with and share the chores with..

Your Mum is checking you are doing what you really want.
It sounds like she worries about your sister's social difficulties and thus was excited for her job promotion.
She sounds like a tired Mum not a nasty one.